retrolasered

I was shown a picture of lots of different activities at a seaside. I was asked describe what was happening in the picture. So I described the individual activities. The fact that I did that instead of describing the larger picture as 'vacation' is evidence that im autistic. But those people could have lived at the coast, it might just be a saturday for them .. right?

So the mark of not being autistic, is to draw assumptions based on partial evidence? I joke, but also I dont really joke.

I was at a training course for work and they were talking about the difference between big picture thinking and evidence based thinking - as though those two have no crossover. They show us a picture of stone henge and tell us to say what we notice about it. I get picked first: "it looks like the grass has recently been cut". Everyone laughs, its probably an odd thing to point out. Next person: "its summer solstice", very good, well done. But is it?? Why? "The sky is red". Yeah okay, I saw stonehenge and thought summer too, but nothing in the picture shows that. So I looked for evidence of summer - the grass is yellowed, parched? No its only a patch, the rest is quite dark and the stones appear to be damp, the yellow is probably some dead grass from having been cut - yes, the grass is short around the bottom of the stones and there seems to be some grass blades powdered to them, the grass has been cut, there is no evidence of it being solstice. Red sky and damp, its probably dawn.

Back to the test, the theory is that someone with autism cant assess the outer context, or the big picture, in the first instance of thought (<200ms). But actually maybe that is what is happening to me if im dismissing the context as not proven, its coming later in my processing of what I am looking at 🤔 either way, whether the test works or not, those people could just live at the coast 😤

Was much bigger than I expected.

I was diagnosed 7 years ago as autistic, though I didnt realise at the time it was a diagnosis, I was informed a few years later that what I thought was a specialists opinion was actually a formal diagnosis. But due to family history, my adhd was addressed first. They were supposed to refer me to autism specialist after the adhd stuff but due to mistakes I got discharged and it took a few years and a few phone calls to correct the mistake. So I knew I have adhd, I understood I was a bit autistic. Fast forward to this week, I got a call after my assessment, and I score extremely high for autism. I was a bit surprised by that, as I function mostly quite well in my day to day despite some things maybe being a little harder for me than other people. My specialist explained that an ability to function does not measure someones level of autism. So now I guess im very autistic.

Its bittersweet. Its helpful to know and im being given resources and access to groups for coping and one that helps you stay in work - which is the important one for me as before my current job where my manager has been very patient and understanding, I have always had a lot of problems with employment. Im still not quite processing it fully, but Ive felt some hints inside myself that this does also make me feel a bit sad, but I probably wont be sure of that until later on one night when I cant get to sleep due to delayed processing.

Groups like this and others have been a big help throughout my diagnoses journey, and alongside reading about autism research and speaking with people in these groups, ive learnt a lot about myself and ways to manage my daily life and lessen the impact of everything.

I still feel like a bit of an imposter when seeking help, as I am very high functioning, and can pass as quite intelligent in most settings, and working at a job where I often encounter low functioning and even non verbal poung people, its hard to feel like I deserve to ask for help in the first place.

I'm 35, I do okay. I mumble when I'm shy, and when I'm not into it, i.e. the pleasantries over the counter in a shop. I had the 'you talk like a robot' comments all through school. I know I speak a certain way and I'm mostly okay with it.

I bought a coffee this morning before getting the train into work. I did my usual awkward mumbling, I ordered the flat white with all the elocution I could muster so as to avoid repeating myself - I hate repeating myself - but the rest was mumbled and just audible enough for them to know that I asked to pay by card and that I was thanking them as I left.

There were two clerks, a small independent shop. The male clerk, upon me saying thanks and turning to walk to the door, gave an exaggerated mumble, which made the girl working with him laugh. I ignored it and left, but afterwards it really griped on me.

The only way to communicate with the establishment is by instagram, so I set up an account and messaged the business account (they own 3 shops in my local area). The person followed it up; naturally the pair working there said that it never happened. The owner has invited me back tomorrow, when he will be working with the male clerk, to receive an apology. I don't think I want to go. Should I go? I'm not sure what outcome I wanted, I think I just wanted to speak out about it.

I appreciate that the quiet hours in the shop are boring, and they need to make their own entertainment, but he could have just waited for me to leave the shop before he made his joke - although I do understand that to impress the girl it must done to me brazenly, for the shock factor required to make such a witless joke funny.

I'm not quite sure why this has aggravated me so much today, but it has. I can normally roll my eyes at this kind of stuff or laugh it off, but it really wound me up. Maybe because I am a paying customer and expect that in engaging in this process I am not going to encounter this kind of playground mentality.

What the title says. I have mastodon and pixelfed, while it is nice to see posts from both services in network feed, im not interested as much in the mastodon posts. Its not a dealbreaker, but would be nice if i can switch off the mastodon posts. I dont know if it matters, but im using pixelfed.de instance.

Now im hungover as f**k and i have to ride back 😭

My second tour. Tent is staying at home for this one, i have a cabin on the ferry and a hotel in 'dam. Plenty of space in the pannier for ahem, "souvenirs"