this post was submitted on 03 Nov 2024
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Couple of pointers. One, if she is on any medication, check for any side effects. That includes any birth control pills. Two, you mentioned neither she masturbates nor she has experience, hence I would suggest that she may try masturbating if she is okay to try out. That may uncover more about her body.
Also if she lacks experience, it can take months for her to be completely comfortable and enjoy it, because relaxing is not very easy for everyone.
What if she's been on BC for almost 20 years and never masturbates ever because it doesn't "work" Toys also do not "work". Also eating peach with different methods with genuine enthusiasm doesn't work.
Note: This is not /s I'm being legit.
I think the point here is to give it more time and explore as much as possible. No conclusive statements, like this method will work or will not work, cannot be and should not be made considering the smaller time frame they have been together. There are multiple options the OP and the partner can try out if they want.
TBH I am glad the OP is thinking about the long term. The more they explore, the more they will be certain what they can and cannot.
Not OP case but 2 decades later with no change is demoralizing.
Oh so sorry. I didn't realise you were talking about the situation you are in. I thought the first comment was just a thought experiment. I didn't pay enough attention. My bad.
In your case I guess she can be in the asexual part of the spectrum. One of my friends is facing a similar situation. The partner has no sex drive at all. But the partner is a great person in every other area. That relationship sustained because my friend also has a lower sex drive, but more than what the partner has.
Since this has been so long, I assume you have already tried the couple therapy and individual therapy. If not that is one thing you can try out.
But keep in mind that if your partner is really asexual, there isn't much that you can do. It's not their fault in any way. So either you have to accept the situation and build a life around this fact, or you have to move on. Since you have been in the relationship for a long time, I guess everything else is going well. Means you have already chosen the first option.
Yeah basically what you wrote is accurate. No therapy though. She won't take it. I asked several times.
I think the crux of issue is a blame myself for all this. I get told no " it's not you, it's me" but I still feel like a failure of a partner.
No no.. Don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong here. Very scientifically speaking we still have no clear answer on how the sexuality of a person is determined. So far there is a consensus that there is a biological factor also in play.
It is not your failure as a partner. These are things beyond your control. She also can't do much on this. Therapy won't change the underlying reality. It will just help you to cope up with the hard realities that you are facing.
I highly recommend you take individual therapy if you haven't done so far. You may have to untangle decades of experiences to get in terms with it. It's never late, and the right therapist will definitely improve how you handle this.
What do I even describe this to a therapist as? My partner doesn't want say they are asexual but all the signs are there. Help me be cool with it when I'm the literal opposite end of the spectrum? I feel if I stop trying, then that's me giving up on her.
I would say exactly that is what you have to describe. As I said certain things cannot be changed with therapy. It can only help you to get in terms with it.
Regarding the last point you mentioned. You are not giving up on her. Exerting constant pressure can't change certain realities. It is like thinking you can drain an ocean with a bucket and a lot of time.
You have to accept that there is nothing 'wrong' with your partner. If she is asexual there is nothing to 'cure'. You must build your life around this fact to be happy.
This does not mean that your needs should be discarded. In the same way you accept and respect the fact that she is asexual, she also has to take a mature stand and work on finding common grounds or compromises. That is how relationships work, isn't it?
You start therapy. Remember that you will need to find a suitable therapist. So don't hesitate to change therapists until you find one you are comfortable with. Maybe the therapist can help you on how this topic needs to be discussed with your partner. That may slowly open up new ways to improve the conditions.
I know your right with what you wrote.
It was that level of persistence I got my partner in the first place but if there is no "cure" then i should apply it to fix myself to match? I lack the imagination to do something that isn't cheating or internet since I'm too scared to try mind altering medication. I'm real curious what pro has to say. I have nothing to lose...probably.
I just want to say that it's not frivolous or silly to need sex with your partner, you are not wrong to be distressed. It's a natural and normal thing to need in a romantic relationship.