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Maybe Immich might be a fit fit
https://github.com/immich-app/immich
I'm giving this a try now - it's true it still saves the files on disk somewhere right? AFAIK at least so, this fits my requirements.
Yes it does, you can back up the files externally and everything if needed. You can also import external directories of existing photos.
The installation instructions talk about the yaml amd env file to dowmload and edit, in one of those you specify explicit path of where your files go