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The best term you can use is just "the queer community". It's a broad and vague word that asks no questions and offers no answers beyond "these people have sexual orientations and/or gender identities that are not exclusively heterosexual and/or cisgender". It's gender-neutral unlike the previous catch-all term "gay". It includes people who were originally excluded and unrepresented by the original LGBT acronym, such as intersex and third-gendered people. It also includes people who find it culturally difficult to put a label on what they do, such as same-gender-loving Black people who don't call themselves "gay".
That being said, it is not always the perfect, use-it-all-the-time panacea that you're looking for. "Queer" was originally a pejorative term, and although it has been reclaimed as positive terminology since the Stonewall Riot days (think of the chant, "We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!"), some older members of the queer community remember it as hurtful.
In addition, sometimes it's important to be specific. Exclusively using the word "queer" to refer to the queer community flattens the queer experience to one single uniform word, when reality is anything but uniform. For example, when trans people are targeted by executive orders and bathroom bills, it's important to be specific about who those actions harm: trans people, intersex people, and so on.
For these reasons, while it is safe to use "queer" as a blanket term, some individual people don't like the term and some individual circumstances call for a more specific word.
As far as your flag question goes, if you're looking for a visible signal to signpost that you're a queer ally, you're probably looking for the Progress Flag. It's the original rainbow pride flag, but with added representation for trans people, intersex people, people of color, and those who died during the AIDS crisis.
Exposing my own ignorance here, but is "gay" necessarily gendered? I had thought that lesbian women sometimes identified as "gay", is that not the case? No offence meant, genuinely interested.
I don't think there's a contradiction there, a term being gendered isn't all-or-nothing. Certainly, some men attracted to men identify as gay, as well as some lesbian women, and even some bisexual folks of any gender. In that way it isn't exclusively gendered.
But if I say "the gay community", I'm guessing the image that evokes in your mind leans heavily towards gay men, compared to a phrase like "the LGBTQ+ community". Even if the speaker means the same thing by those phrases, the listener likely interprets them differently.
Fair point, I agree a lot of people probably would think that way, although on a personal level, I would say that if I heard "the gay community" my reaction would be to consider it to mean both gay men and lesbian women. Not sure if it's different in different places though (UK here), maybe there are geographic differences too?
Anyway, thanks for the good answer :-)
"Gay" is either gendered or not the same way that "guy" and "dude" are either gendered or not.
The difficulty of answering that question, and the fact that both "yes" and "no" are both valid answers that individual people of every gender could sincerely give, are two of the reasons why "queer" has become more popular than "gay" as an umbrella term. The people who do think "gay" as an umbrella term is gendered prefer the word "queer", while the people who don't think "gay" as an umbrella term is gendered are not upset by the word "queer".
Another reason that "gay" isn't used as an umbrella term is because it's also a specific term. Imagine being a man and saying "I'm gay" and having someone ask you, "ok but are you gay or are you gay gay?". Sexuality and gender are already sensitive and difficult things to explore, so removing ambiguity from the language surrounding those topics will make things clearer and easier for everyone involved.
That being said, you should always respect the way that people want to be identified. If you know a lesbian woman that identifies as "gay", then just accept it and use it while understanding that not every lesbian woman will feel the same way.
All really good points - thank you :-)
Noticed that flag on several occasions but never knew what it was called - thanks for sharing!