Canada

It's complex, and subjective, and maybe a bit sad, but here's my best shot at describing my decision.

Cannabis enhances most forms of passive entertainment and makes menial tasks less dull, which is great, but that also makes it habit forming. It tends to affect you in one of two ways, depending on your body chemistry and the strain you're using. You're either going to be comfortably immobile, or pleasantly flighty, in either case it becomes difficult to focus on complex tasks or plan ahead and makes your problems feel distant.

This combination of effects, in my experience, creates a feedback loop. The habit of smoking to enjoy tasks you wouldn't otherwise combined with a decrease in drive to perform complex tasks that are both harder to do and less likely to be thought of when stoned and a distance from your troubles, results in more time spent blissfully drifting through life.

That's not necessarily a bad thing. I had clearly enjoyed it for years. But it became difficult to do much of anything. I was stuck in this loop that I didn't even see. I lost friends during COVID (not to the disease, they're still alive just not my friends) and I allowed my life to shrink so much... My circle of friends, my chosen activities and the locations I physically inhabited all became limited and static during and after. It was a slow process, and I can't blame it all on cannabis, but smoking weed dulled the pain as I slowly became less and less of myself. When I smoke weed I am less apt to focus on my ills and if I can't focus on them, I can't change them.

Being stoned left me more apt to just chill out and let my life continue rolling along the same dissatisfying course. Imagine a snowball rolling downhill, but instead of picking up snow as it goes, it leaves it behind. Shrinking and shrinking, until it stops. Momentum no longer able to carry it along.

This diminishing of myself was leaving me more and more depressed. Months would pass where I only left my apartment to walk my dog or buy groceries. I lost interest in the activities I enjoyed. I lost interest in my partner. I lost interest in my self, because why would I be interested in someone who was nothing and did nothing. I was on the edge of losing myself, to myself. I spent more time imagining my own death than imagining a life I wanted to live.

I took a hard look at how I spent my days, and saw that one thing took the place of all of those others that I used to love. I was spending my days stoned and alone and unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I don't think an addiction to weed pushed anything out of my life - I wasn't seeking weed at anything's expense and I never started until after working hours so I kept a semblance of a life - it just filled the holes all those people, places, activities and things I lost left behind and made it much harder to recognize the decline of my well-being.

So I cut down, and started calling my family more. Then I did some research. I looked at the physiological effects of cannabis - the way THC interacts with your endogenous cannabinoid receptors, which are in every part of your body from your brain and your eyes to your gut and your gonads, and it floods them with a molecule thousands of times more potent than they would otherwise have. It disrupts the neurological feedback system that your brain uses to reinforce synaptic routes. It overrides your guidance system, not through dopamine release causing seeking behavior like most drugs, but by effectively telling you to just relax by making everything you do feel equally as rewarding as anything else.

I was starting to feel better after just cutting down and reaching out, so I looked at what I got from THC and what I wanted from my life, and I decided to leave it behind entirely.