this post was submitted on 30 Apr 2024
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Interacting is hard and people can be awful, especially online. (As you well know). Try to find the positive attributes you can focus more on - cool names, clever comments, good play, indeed even them showing a good attitude.
Cop to tending to sound negative - honestly might help a lot. “You may think this sounds critical but I’m trying to help” - set some context since it’s easy to misunderstand without interacting in person.
As trite as this may sound don’t give up on the things that bring you a measure of joy.
Good luck, I hope you know folks DO give a crap.
I'd talked with the leadership about how I've been considered negative in the past. Even pointing out that I'm not necessarily being negative but usually hard on myself or commenting how a change felt bad or good. But it always goes the same way.
Also I really doubt anyone gives a crap. I'm 39 and alone with one friend online, but she's got kids and a life. When I talk about the stuff I like people think I'm being negative even if I say nice things.
Your post touched me enough to respond, so yeah man even this total stranger gives a crap. It's hard to see that maybe, but I think most people would react positively if they thought others were receptive.
Basically if you put up a wall because you expect things to go poorly they put up theirs and it's hard to connect so it's a spiral. It took me a long time to realize that a simple gesture like “hey man cool T-shirt” to a stranger at work has helped me make connections. You share the game interest with them, bounce off that with a compliment or recognition and you'll find they may reciprocate.
You're guarding yourself, I get it…but the wall you build to shield yourself keeps others away as much as it keeps you in.
I hope this rambling makes some sense.
Putting up a wall isn't something I do typically. Basically when I go into a group or whatever I am myself because I can't really hide behind a fake persona or whatever anymore (for a number of reasons, not important here). When I've tried to be the person others expect they walk all over me or use me then toss me away. When I'm myself they reject me. So if I have a wall up it's not very high and definitely doesn't stay up. So I guess I don't get it. I try so hard and it always ends the same either way.
I don’t have any lightning bolt insights to share. Honestly it sounds like you’re doing a lot of what I might suggest - sharing something you enjoy with like minded others and being engaged in that community to try to make connections. Maybe you’re sensing more isolation than is really there?
Have you tired things like hiking or other sorts of outdoor activities offline where you might meet people? Local library events? Stuff like that?
Dunno. If something is going, say an event is coming up, I'd say 'hey anyone want to group up and do this? We can schedule a day/time even!' and literally no one would engage with it. So it was a lot of just talking to myself.
I mean go anyway, if your online people won't or can't. At the least you do something or see something you like or might like (like an art museum, or cool park or event) and while there you'll be around like minded people and maybe click.
Worst case you saw that new place, discovered that thing or enjoyed a familiar event.
You have to keep putting yourself out there, hard as it is and frustrating and disappointing as it may be. Why? Because that's where what you want is.
When you do find it it will have been worth it.
I wish it was easier and that you were not struggling. Takes a tough soul to do so and admitting its hard takes guts. Give yourself credit for trying like hell.