Autism

Im just a terrible person. I walk wrong. I talk wrong. I breathe wrong. I exist wrong and everyone around me makes sure I know it. I don't think suicide is a choice that is worth making but I do eagerly await the sweet release of death sometimes. I just needed to vent and you all get my sadness right now.

Oh, I didn't know this had a name. "pebbling". I do this all the time.

Source https://www.instagram.com/reel/DATrXNjscHU/

I was shown a picture of lots of different activities at a seaside. I was asked describe what was happening in the picture. So I described the individual activities. The fact that I did that instead of describing the larger picture as 'vacation' is evidence that im autistic. But those people could have lived at the coast, it might just be a saturday for them .. right?

So the mark of not being autistic, is to draw assumptions based on partial evidence? I joke, but also I dont really joke.

I was at a training course for work and they were talking about the difference between big picture thinking and evidence based thinking - as though those two have no crossover. They show us a picture of stone henge and tell us to say what we notice about it. I get picked first: "it looks like the grass has recently been cut". Everyone laughs, its probably an odd thing to point out. Next person: "its summer solstice", very good, well done. But is it?? Why? "The sky is red". Yeah okay, I saw stonehenge and thought summer too, but nothing in the picture shows that. So I looked for evidence of summer - the grass is yellowed, parched? No its only a patch, the rest is quite dark and the stones appear to be damp, the yellow is probably some dead grass from having been cut - yes, the grass is short around the bottom of the stones and there seems to be some grass blades powdered to them, the grass has been cut, there is no evidence of it being solstice. Red sky and damp, its probably dawn.

Back to the test, the theory is that someone with autism cant assess the outer context, or the big picture, in the first instance of thought (<200ms). But actually maybe that is what is happening to me if im dismissing the context as not proven, its coming later in my processing of what I am looking at 🤔 either way, whether the test works or not, those people could just live at the coast 😤

I haven't been diagnosed with autism. If this question comes across as entitled or ableist, I offer my sincere apology in advance.

My wife thinks I'm autistic. Occasionally I wonder myself.

What is involved in getting a diagnosis?

If a diagnosis is acquired, what is the benefit? AFAIK there is no treatment, right? In fact, based on my reading on Lemmy, there may be downsides to being officially recognized (not due to the individual but due to the responses, especially by bureaucracy).

If I am, the only downside in my life has been being shunned and referred to as weird. Maybe being unsure of how to respond to the loss of those close to me. My career has been excellent because of things related to my apparently unusual personality.

Should I pursue this?

cross-posted from: https://lemm.ee/post/44621407

Now I want one

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.autism.place/post/476283

I'm trying to see what we look like in NT settings from a 3rd person view. Most of the examples I know are shows about autism specifically, but I'm looking for a more natural NT setting type of thing.

Edit: Looking for a normal show in which one of the main characters are autistic, but autism is not the central focus. My brain feels like it's gunked up lately, so having trouble explaining things. Like trying to run in a nightmare. iassgdgdsflsfd

I have been diagnosed with depression and ADD. I feel like a lot of their symptoms partially bleed over into autism. I am also incredibly anxious when it comes to social interactions.

I feel like I have a decent amount of behavioural symptoms like getting upset when plans change, not liking when things are moved from where I put them, some sensory things (ex. the sound of velcro tearing, gloves rubbing against the skin at the base of my fingers, I hate making sound when I walk in public, and so on), self-stimming, getting really invested in certain niche topics, and avoiding eye contact.

There are some parts where I don't feel like I match at all. I would say I'm better than most people at reading people's emotions. I am good with social cues and nonverbal communication. I just over think everything afterwards.

Getting help for my depression and ADD was a lot of work and I felt like I essentially had to coach them into giving it to me so I'm just not sure if it would be worth the effort. The only benefit I could see is a better sense of self-identity but I already have a major case of imposter syndrome when it comes to what I've been diagnosed with and I feel like that would be even worse with autism due to the stigma that surrounds it. People saying "You don't have autism because we chitchat all the time at work" would feel like a real kick in the nuts. I have been able to force myself to mask or get over some of the issues I've mentioned above so far.

Sorry if any of this seems improper. I really don't want to sound like someone who took a "What mental illness are you?" Buzzfeed-style quiz as a medical diagnosis or someone making unfair stereotypes.

A contact of mine suggested me to join a support group to find people with similar difficulties and talk to them.

I found a group nearby, but I'm a bit reluctant to go. I can feel myself making up excuses as to why it would not be a good idea.

• I don't feel like it would be helpful.
• I will feel like they have even more severe issues than me and I can't relate.
• It's a group with 10 people, so I feel like it's a bit too much for me. I feel like I will just let everybody else talk and be silent like usual.
• I was a bit sick in the past weekend and I'm worried about making other people sick (even though it's kinda over)

Anybody already went to a support group before, what was your experience?

I thought I ate something wrong, but I've been sick for more than 3 days now. Sneezing, nose completely blocked, coughing, vomiting, terrible sleep, muscle pain, stomachache and sharp headaches.

It seems like my partner also got infected, because they started sneezing a day later.

But I don't even really mind all this physical pain and discomfort. The thing that bothers me the most is that I'm completely useless. Unable to think properly apart from a few moments during the day. Sometimes even unable to talk or properly understand my partner.

I can't even read or play a game or something because it quickly gives me a painful headache, and I don't enjoy anything at the moment anyway.

Anyone have some strategies to cope with this? Seems to happen frequently when I get sick and I don't really know how to deal with it. And it seems like it also drags on quite long because I forget to eat enough, I don't seem to have enough energy to take care of myself (brushing, showering)

A howdy hello to everyone,

Getting older has made me realize the deficits in my cooking skills. I was a very picky eater growing up, and started to widen my palate so that I wouldn’t be condemned to eating some form of bread with cheese for my entire life. I love fruits and vegetables, so there’s no problem here. Grains are a bit difficult because of their texture.

I am completely dogshit at cooking. Whenever I try a new recipe, I either burn or undercook the food, resulting in about an hour wasted of poor planning.

This may involve walking back and forth around the kitchen getting ingredients as needed, forgetting to do a step, or forgetting an ingredient that is sitting on the counter away from me.

My motor skills are sometimes clumsy with cutting, so oftentimes the vegetables and fruit are cut too thick, or not to the point where the recipe expects them. When I made aloo gobi, my cauliflower was too large, the potatoes were undercooked, and the other veggies were just a pile of slop. Sometimes other dishes will not be entirely cooked and other parts will be burnt.

Oftentimes I might hate the taste of what I’ve made, so ultimately I will act to not eat anything because I don’t want to waste money cooking then going out. I have been working out and live a much more active lifestyle compared to how sedentary I was in university. Walking around 10 hours a day has made me truly realize the feeling of hunger. An emotion I normally never felt due to stomach problems and perpetual nausea.

I am very good at cooking breakfast foods, but do not want to eat French toast or Pancakes every single day. I’d like to add a broader spectrum to my breakfasts as well, as it is a quite small subset. I tried learning the cookiebookie latex package to write a cookbook as I went, but I gave up on trying to get it working. Formatting documents is an entirely different post.

This is turning into a rant, but for those of you whose special interests are cooking and who have found a spectrum of foods that are nutritious and filling, what advice would you have for me? What cookware do you recommend? Is there a set of recipes you think would be good to introduce cooking techniques? My end goal would be to cook with mostly anything I have on hand to turn it into something delicious and nutritious. Protein rich meals, vitamins, minerals, calories, etc.

I'm looking into getting a therapy animal, a dog. This dog will be trained by a licensed companion animal training breeder near me. When I spoke to my landlord they said no pets including therapy animals.
Is this legal at all?

I'm in the United States.

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Hello again everyone,

I’m very happy with the comments from the last post I made. Many of you had positive and constructive feedback about socializing. Made me realize that I’m generally overthinking the whole thing.

I mentioned that I was a chatterbox with a tendency to delve too deep into things and talk about whatever spontaneously comes to mind. Usually I can hold a conversation for the first couple of meetings, but then I’ll be at a loss of words for relatability.

When I thought more about why I can’t relate to others, it’s not because of any distaste towards people or their personal likes/dislikes… In fact, I would prefer to be viewed well in someone else’s perception. Generally treating others with kindness, complimenting specific items of clothing, jewelry, hairstyles, and inquiring about basic things like music, weather, architecture, outdoors etc.

But when I look into myself… I went through life having mostly no preferences…

For example, when asked where I’d like to eat, I have been trying to expand my preferences. However, most of the time when I eat outside of my selective food items (mostly bread-based with some cheese), food can be difficult to chew and swallow. My music tastes are broad, but I don’t usually seek out new songs, and have difficulty discovering new songs.

Let’s continue this conversation about socialization, and extend it to preferences, likes, and dislikes. The problem with having an identity that doesn’t revolve around external activities outside of the usual hyper-specific autie hobbies, I’d like to become more relatable, learn to discover new likes and dislikes, and overall gain the ability to do this. I’d imagine it would make life quite a sum easier to change my perspective, but sometimes my mind is blank and unable to seek things out.

How do you get other people to speak with you? Usually I never know what to say in response.

Being a chatterbox hasn’t worked out too well throughout my life. Even in my second language, German, it’s evident im sort of a “parrot” when it comes to learned social phrases.

Socially exhausted right now and feeling like an alien.

• Saturday: Event in town, with small kids, socializing
• Sunday: Teambuilding event
• Monday: Work strategy meeting
• Tuesday: Held a presentation and socialized
• Wednesday: Work strategy meeting
• Thursday: Course w/group sessions, parents over for dinner
• Friday: Work event, work event
• Saturday: Museum trip, family visit

Throughout the week, slow buildup of joint pain, feverish feeling, lack of appetite, swollen throat, buzzing head, torpor, lack of focus. Today I am just broken.

These are all (for me) normal physical reactions to overextending myself socially or spending time in sensory intense environments for any amount of time. They are also symptons I would get if I caught the head cold that is going around.

It feels extremely silly that I have literally zero idea if I have a cold or not.

Anyway, treatment is same either way: Take it easy for a while. Mostly wanted to share my frustrating confusion and maybe hear if others have similar experiences and how they manage. :)

This is part strong recommendation and part wanting to know thoughts of others who have read it. :)

Fern Brady is a scottish comedian who grew up with undiagnosed autism in a very catholic small town.

It's a brutally honest and personal story, and she manages to write everything in a way that I found captivating. She can describe situations of absolute torture in a way that makes them seem both heartbreaking, and almost funny in their absurdity. Like a scene where she got recommended an app to help her with meltdowns and describes how she is crying and punching her fist bloody against her living room wall, while with her other hand opening an app and seeing suggestions like "think of a puppy!", "count to ten and think of the last nice thing you ate!"

For me, the description of a years long struggle to push through a medical system with little and outdated understanding of autism resonnated deeply.

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this, but I still wanted to get "my feelings out", so to speak. I'm a psychology student from Germany who's in a Erasmus+ year (basically an exchange year during university) in France. I think the topic of loneliness has accompanied me my whole life in one form of another, but right now I think it strikes extra hard. Generally speaking, I think I'm pretty socially competent - I have friends, a girlfriend, I'm member of a Nightline back in Germany. I know a good amount of people from uni, in Germany and France, and can have a nice smalltalk with them.

However, I don't feel included in any specific group, here or back in Germany. I am not outright rejected, people are still nice when I e.g. sit down with them for a meal. I went to a bar with some fellow exchange students, or talked with them during lunch. But these activities drain a lot of energy from me, and I can't go to the nice places where people bond as a group. I can't go to parties or concerts, having lunch with other people already drains my social battery for the day. I hear them telling how they will go on a trip or a party, how they went to the city and had a nice time. Last time I was in the city I nearly had a meltdown when I got home.

It just feels really lonely, as if all the people around me have fun as a group and I stand at the edge of the party, watching them as they enjoy themselves. I could walk up to them and have a drink, but I still wouldn't be part of the party, no matter what I really do or try, because I wouldn't be able to get in the same "fun mood" as them. This feeling of not belonging holds on the entire day right now.

However, that doesn't mean I'm not happy or I can't do fun things; I absolutely can. I love it when I can sleep out and watch a nice movie, when I have a walk next to the river and listen to my podcast. I love exploring the city (with headphones!), or watching a dog play with a ball, playing PC or writing in my diary. There are nice things in my life, which I appreciate and value. However, all these things are things I do on my own or with another person. And whenever I'm in a group, I very strongly feel that I don't really fit to the group, that they are different than me.

I already thought about joining up a group here, but my language barrier makes it extremely difficult, if not impossible, to do so. And with my fellow exchange students I don't really fit in, for the reasons outlined above.

Overall, I just feel very lonely here. Like a little alien watching the others have fun, while I'm on my own somewhere different. Of course I still have fun, I do great things, but I do them on my own. I feel that I'm broken or wrong for not able to enjoy group things as much as others do, that some part of me which is supposed to function correctly doesn't work.

I'm sorry if this is the wrong community for this, my problem is prob more from BPD or some other mental illness I have than directly autism, though depression and anxiety are common in autistic people. I posted in a BPD community but it's pretty dead, I hope this isn't too off topic for here, I just really need some advice on this and Idk who to ask besides my therapist.

My intrusive thoughts and mental state in general are a lot better now that I've had therapy and antidepressants for a few years, but one issue I still really struggle with is revisiting times when someone hurt me, intentionally or not, even if it's a resolved situation I'm not still mad about, and getting mad about it again.

Below are two examples, you don't need to read them but it might help explain my problem.

I did this a few months ago and drove away my fiance over a small mess she made in my place. She made it as a trauma response, we had a wonderful conversation about it after and I wasn't upset at her at all. But I managed to make it a huge deal in my head later, and since she'd said before she wants me to clean my space better or let her help clean, I thought she was a hypocritical asshole. I verbally abused her over text and made an ultimatum, saying she had to apologize for it or I wouldn't talk to her anymore. She left, blocked me on everything, and the engagement is off. We exchanged letters recently, and at least maybe we can still be friends again some day.

A more recent example is with my dad. I was trying to quit cigarettes and take a break from weed, so I asked him to hold onto my ID so I wouldn't be tempted to get any since I'm kinda addicted and can't control myself when I can get a fix. We went out and about for a doctor's appointment next to a dispensary, and I was gonna be super proud of myself for not having gotten anything there. But my dad thought I might wanna get some weed, so he brought my ID. While he was getting weed, I spent 15 minutes wailing and trying to resist getting stuff, but I caved and got weed and cigs. I still feel really ashamed about my lack of self control, and I think that event really fucked with my mindset about quitting and made it a lot harder to try again. I don't want to be mad at him, and I've already talked to him about it, but I'm trying to quit again, and I already struggle a lot more with intrusive thoughts like that while sober, but I'm having a really hard time not protecting my shame onto him. I don't want to talk to him about it again, i think he already feels really guilty for sabotaging my quit and I don't want to drag that back up.

Talking to the people I'm mad at about it can make me less upset, but I can't just bring up old shit like that every time my brain makes me upset about it. With my fiance I should've just talked to her about how I felt and we could've worked through it together, but that isn't the solution to most things like this, esp when they're already resolved issues.

Tl;Dr I sometimes dredge up old memories of others hurting me and make myself upset about them again, and I really need a healthy way to deal with them other than just bottling it up or talking to them about it every time

Hi, I'm flying home for my birthday (moved out of state for work, then lost my job, and been unemployed for 4 months). My mom asked what I would like her to make me for my birthday dinner, and I have no clue what to ask for. I'm just at a loss because I don't know what I like. I'm not picky, but if left to my own devices would eat mueslix for months at a time. I hate feeling attention, and worst of all pity... But that is the primary feeling when I return to my mothers home. I feel lost and trapped, as more if my life falls through my fingers like a hand desperately grasping into dry sand. Everything feels wrong and I hate that I agreed to come home at all.

Like the title says, recovery from alcoholism has been pretty rough. I fucking love drinking, but the amount of times it's gotten me in bad spot is crazy. I haven't been formally diagnosed, but my last therapist was going to refer me because I have several traits of ASD ("high-functioning").

I just can't stand being around people. Like I just can't think around them because the sounds they make and the things they talk about drive me up the wall. Also the fact that "isolation" is a no no in these places, it's all about "community", so having time to myself to gather my sanity is hard to come by.

Not to mention the anxiety of having to talk about myself.

It's forced me to leave programs time after time and now it's all starting to make sense. I know that I can't blame all my problems on ASD (especially if I haven't even been given the diagnosis by someone qualified, and I'm sorry if this offends anyone) and I know that this 100% is on me and not everyone else.

I'm running out of options and I'm starting to think that just living on the street is my only option.

Edit: Also lately, I've been dabbling with methamphetamine. It's like everything I don't want to do is now possible.

Hi everyone.

I was diagnosed with high-functioning autism at age 3. I am smart, shy, kind, and nice. Many times, people take advantage of me. I think this caused me to be bullied in high school. As the autistic brain is wired differently, it is impossible for me to fit into the mostly neurotypical (NT) world. I cannot make any NT friends as they all think I am 'weird' or 'odd'. All the NT social skills are very hard for me to learn. However, when I come on autism forums such as this one, I feel like I am welcomed, accepted, and understood. I feel that with time, I might make friends on this forum.

I have some special interests such as electricity (plugs, voltages, electrical sockets/outlets), the battery health of electronic devices, and time (clocks, time zones). They are so intense that they are the only thing I think and talk about.

Hopefully I will make some friends on this forum.

Nice to meet you all!

Yours Truly,

SRSAutistic

I need headphones that only an audiophile would love. I practically LIVE in my headphones and almost never take em off. I also dont wanna spend heaping tons of money on em tho ;w; maybe a budget of like- 100-200 I guess... I dunno what do yall recommend?

I know I can over share. I know I say things way too "deep" for neutrotypicals. I know how I take small talk into big talk with just one sentence. What are ways that you keep yourself aware in conversation to just be casual. I imagine something small to fidget with that isn't obvious and I can use to keep me centered on being not so outright. Obviously I don't like wearing anything but maybe something like a normal but moving or spinning finger ring would help, I can always take it off.

Is this something you guys experience, maybe recognize now, or have realized this behavior and have some mechanism to stay "normal"?