(TL;DR): I love being terrified, and this has led me to a fascination with imagining being a witness to / a victim of various tragedies. Is that weird?
The earliest example I can remember of wanting to know what it was like to be a victim of a tragedy was when I first learned what happened on 9/11. We were visiting my grandma, and she was watching a documentary about it. That's the first time I had seen the footage and heard an explanation of it all, and I was still a child (like way too young to be processing what I was seeing), but I was fascinated by it. Even after everyone had left the room to hang out on the porch, I stayed in the living room to watch more. I wanted to know everything, but most of all I wanted to know what it was like to be there. Both as a witness and a victim.
To this day, I would pay good money to get hooked up to something like Roy from Rick and Morty so I could safely experience it without knowing I was safe. And I'd like to choose as many perspectives as I want. From the hijackers, to the people on the directly impacted floors, the people on floors adjacent to the impact, the people who jumped, the people who were outside and witnessed the crashes and collapses, the people who were trapped on the upper floors and remained inside during the collapse...
Besides 9/11, others at the top of the list are things like mass shootings, earthquakes and other natural disasters, catastrophic workplace accidents (mostly explosions), the sinking of the Titanic, Hiroshima/nuclear testing sites, other war related events, various atrocities committed by/against mankind (like the torture committed by the CIA against people suspected of being involved in the 9/11 attacks), the Heaven's Gate mass suicide, a significant portion of Charles Manson's life... It's a mix of wanting the experience and curiosity about the stories/information that never made it into public knowledge.
I don't have a death wish or anything, it's just for some reason I have a fascination with terror. I love getting sleep paralysis and having nightmares, and I feel a weird sense of catharsis when I wake up and realize I'm safe. My favorite ones are when I'm utterly convinced I'm going to die. Even as a kid I loved terrifying shows (like Courage the Cowardly Dog and Mr.Meaty), and as a teenager it evolved into broader consumption of surrealist art, and then I started watching Live Leak videos where I got a more realistic sense of terror. I watched all of the Bjork stalker's tapes, which, if you aren't familiar, they end with him shooting himself after mailing a letter bomb to her. Knowing he filmed his suicide was what piqued my interest, but I also wanted to get into his head so I started from tape #1.
How weird is all of this? Any psychological explanations/speculations about why I'm like this? (And are there any other subs I should ask this in?)
I am a sufferer of PTSD from various horrific traumas.
In short: yes. It's weird. You should talk to a professional about it.
If I could take away these debilitating, paralyzing memories and responses my body has formed due to trauma, I would. It prevents me from living a normal life and I suffer from it every day. Even have a note in my charts that lets medical professionals know that my massively elevated heart rate & blood pressure are a trauma/anxiety-response, not an underlying condition.
I guess maybe I'd view your desire as those kids on Tiktok that were mimicking/cosplaying mental illness, autism, & Tourettes syndrome, because they didn't really understand the implications of suffering that a lot of folks who have those things go through.
Again: I'd strongly suggest seeing a professional about this.
I don't use TikTok but when I was in grade school I'd see other kids do this, and yeah it's pretty cringe worthy. I think we're on the same page there.
And I definitely don't want PTSD. Sorry if it came across that way. But I think I see what you're saying, and maybe I'm overestimating my mental fortitude. I guess I figured I'd be able to adequately process it if I realized afterwards that none of it was real.
It really stems from curiosity about the facts. But when that curiosity turns to morbid curiosity, a lot of my questions can't be answered, so it seems to me that the only way to satiate that curiosity is to artificially experience the event first hand through something akin to Rick and Morty's Roy game. But obviously that's impossible, so all I have is my imagination.
To be fair, I'm not at all offended by your desires! I understand that some folks have desires that are not necessarily rooted to reality. A fantasy, and that's perfectly fine. Of course no one wants PTSD.
I think my concerns lie in that disconnect, though. Someone fantasizing about a threesome, meeting a historical figure, or a positive experience is something I'd understand. A desire to experience a tragedy? It's a bit alarming. Even knowing that you're just curious about the factual experience, the disassociation from the reality of human suffering paired with the events may cause a pause.
If you're questioning yourself about your desires or people close to you have expressed concern over these thoughts, I'd say go to a professional and talk to someone. Otherwise, research into it. Explore these events, read,watch documentaries, interviews, and things like that.
The human mind is a weird thing. Not inherently bad– just weird. And it's okay to explore that and think about things sometimes.