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Thanks for the response. What you're describing - feeling a bodily urge to masturbate when viewing porn, even if you'd prefer not to - is very common. We're kinda designed so that our bodies respond to sexual stimuli. Many people can relate to that internal tug-of-war between an impulse and a conflicting desire.
From a psychological flexibility perspective, the key is to approach those urges with mindful acceptance rather than struggle against them. Fighting with or trying to suppress an urge often just makes it grow stronger, like a beach ball you keep trying to push underwater - it keeps popping back up with greater force (1). Instead, psychological flexibility invites us to open up and make room for the urge, observing it with curiosity and letting it be fully present in our awareness.
This doesn't mean you have to act on the urge. In fact, by giving it space to exist without resistance, you gain the ability to unhook from it and consciously choose how to respond in line with your values (2). You might say to yourself "I'm having the thought that I need to masturbate right now" and feel the sensations of that urge in your body, while still maintaining the freedom to decide if acting on it is truly what you want.
Imagine for a moment that a dear friend or loved one came to you struggling with this same dilemma. How would you respond to them? Most likely with compassion, understanding, and encouragement to be kind to themselves as they navigate this very human challenge. We could all benefit from extending that same caring response to ourselves.
At the end of the day, you're the expert on your own life and what matters most to you. By practicing acceptance of your inner experiences, unhooking from unhelpful thoughts and urges, and clarifying what you truly value, you can develop psychological flexibility to pursue a rich and meaningful life - whatever that looks like for you. That means that there's no one "right" way to relate to masturbation and porn. The invitation is to approach it mindfully and make choices that align with the kind of person you want to be.
(1) You can check out the "rebound effect" or "ironic process theory." It's been studied extensively in the context of thought suppression. The seminal paper on the topic is Wegner, D. M., Schneider, D. J., Carter, S. R., & White, T. L. (1987). Paradoxical effects of thought suppression. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 53(1), 5–13. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.53.1.5
(2) This meta-analysis reviewed laboratory-based studies testing the components of the psychological flexibility model, and how psychological flexibility techniques increase behavioral flexibility. Levin, M. E., Hildebrandt, M. J., Lillis, J., & Hayes, S. C. (2012). The impact of treatment components suggested by the psychological flexibility model: A meta-analysis of laboratory-based component studies. Behavior Therapy, 43(4), 741-756. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.beth.2012.05.003
Mindfulness sounds like a lot of work when I'm already planning to get genital nullification surgery
EDIT: Lemmy users love to downvote trans people's lived experiences because they're transphobic
Yes, but I feel mindfulness can solve many problems. I'm not sure how many of your problems will be solved with surgery, but you might need to mix in a bit of mindfulness for good measure.
I'm mindful about lots of things, but I'm not mindful about my genitals, because they give me dysphoria. I'll be mindful about my lack of genitals when I don't have genitals.
You can't mindfulness your way out of being trans. It doesn't work, I tried.
Very well. I know it's not a fix for everything. I just found it helped me growing up and when I remember to be mindful as an adult. When I forget and get too caught up in my own head is when I need it the most.
I wish you luck on your process and hope the best for you.
Being present with yourself and learning to sit with your thoughts (mere transient, ephemeral nothingness) is probably not going to be more work than undergoing literal surgery.
And it's pretty insulting to gender diversity for you to attribute to transphobia our revulsion at seeing your level of emotional intolerance.
I'm mindful as shit about plenty of other stuff, just not my genitals. Being mindful about my genitals is bad because I have dysphoria. But I don't expect a transphobe like you to understand my medical needs when you've already made a reductive judgement about my entire psychology based on a single statement in a specific context. You're eager to judge, not to understand.
and you are eager to bemoan and cry persecution and not very eager to be understood. i cant believe you never mentioned being ace but only being trans. and yet it is our fault for not knowing this about you?
Asks question about psychology and masturbation. Gets well thought out response with source material and excellent advice. Responds to said comment in a rude way.
EveRYoNe is sO tRanSpHobiC!!
Lol. No. Your response was shitty and had nothing to do with the topic or the incredibly well thought out and empathetic response that you received. That's why you're being downvoted. Your gender does not give you permission to treat others poorly and you're acting no better than actual transphobes.
I wasn't being rude, I just gently informed the other person that they were giving bad advice, without getting angry or aggressive or belittling them in any way. You're only reading my normal, pleasant interactions with other people as rude because you want an excuse to hate a trans person.
Do you really think they were giving bad advice? They presented something really well thought-out and with flippin citations! And I can say that Hayes is absolutely a credible expert in the field who has done amazing work in mental health and addiction.
You just don't like the answer. Because you believe the answer is too hard for you.
And it's an easy excuse to say you're being persecuted for your identity, but really it is your attitude being criticized. Honestly it's frustratingly transphobic of you to try and lump in maladaptive sexual responses with transness too. Do you see what kind of damage it can potentially do to portray a hypersexual trait as something essentially trans???
It's good advice in general, but it's bad advice for me, as I already explained multiple times. And I'm asexual, not hypersexual. I tell you I'm getting genital nullification surgery and you still go and erase my very obvious queerness.
you never mentioned that you are ace and being ace has nothing to do with being trans!!!!
This is what is called gaslighting and it's deplorable.
No, gaslighting is when someone tries to make you question your sanity. Someone disagreeing with you isn't called gaslighting, it's called a disagreement. Obviously I'm going to disagree with you when you make up nonsense about my own actions. And if I had been as obnoxious and incorrect as you are, then I would have accused you of gaslighting when you told me my own actions were different than they really are.
K. I'm done feeding the troll. Try being more accepting of people and you may find that your imagined persecution happens a lot less. Have a good day.
i just realized that discussing mindfulness with people suffering from persecutory delusions is literally my day job and i dunno why im reading work stuff on my day off wtf
but uhh yeah you made the right call here, delusions dont tend to respond well to logical confrontation
Wow, your job is mental healthcare? And yet your go-to move is accusing strangers who disagree with you of mental illness to win internet points? You must be ruining your patients' lives. I hope someone gets you barred from practice so you can't hurt anyone anymore.
yep im hitler. although i never accused you of mental illness, i dont believe in mental "illness". i accused you of being delusional. that's a very human condition, just a symptom not a diagnosis. as far as courtesy goes, you arent my pt and i dont owe you shit - and sometimes people need it gently, sometimes they need it bluntly. you are free to bring this up with the ethics board /j