I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
Hey, I hear your frustration, you know what you want and ought to do, but the brain just won't let you do it. It's a shitty place to be in.
I don't know your entire background, but part of what I pick up on from your story is cabin fever and stress. Those are by themselves things that make stuff like this harder, and also harder to break out of.
For me, it's often more helpful to take a step back and assume a role of a gentle caretaker, some find it more helpful to think zoo keeper or pet parent, but the point is to assume a tolerant but separated stance towards the non-functioning parts. It's trying, but it isn't quite adapted to it's situation and might need a little help to overcome some of the challenges. Like a dog who can't figure stairs, or a child with a stick wider than a doorway. A little support and encouragement will go further than most other approaches.
For the cabin fever (and you might want to read/check up a little on this), it's weird but isolating like this leads to bodily symptoms like fevers, sleepiness and difficulty in getting started with things, among other symptoms. Which of course also makes it harder to break out of, as it makes it that much harder to leave. But at least it's simple to break the cabin fever: you need to ( at your own pace) find novelty, get outside, have some social interaction, possibly also share touch. Don't push yourself too hard, and if possible consider enlisting help. Maybe you can start off by sitting outside in the sun for fifteen minutes, maybe you can take a walk and take a new route, maybe you can visit a museum. Maybe you have a person you can enlist to help you do any of these, maybe there's someone you can message and ask if they can help you get on a couple walks this week, or to go to the library and work on part of your application for a bit, or even hang out for a bit (if you're up for that). Take baby steps, not any one of these will be the cure, but together they stop the self-enforcing spiral of the cabin fever, and let's you build resistance and resilience over time.
This seems to in general be a helpful approach to combat mental unhealth: find ways to do strengthening activities. Just doing them disrupts the negative spiral, and even slight positive effects build over time to make you better equipped and less affected.
My checklist is basically: Sleep, hygiene, nourishment Get outside, exercise, breaking up the day Social interaction, touch, self care Something new, something I want, rest
And I try to do something, anything, in each of these categories every day, but I started out just trying to do one at a time.
It can be as simple as sitting at an open window for fifteen minutes, take a walk around the block, taking a massage or petting the local cat, make some cozy time with hot tea and a snuggly blanket. It's OK to adapt to your energy, comfort and executive levels, any effort into any of these will help break the spiral. If you feel stronger in one area than others, feel free to ramp it up. Just saying: if you're up to organising an orgy it will also tick many of the boxes at once (j/k).
As for the stress and feeling of loss of identity, you still have the capacity to do all of that, you might just not be in a situation that supports you enough right now. I'm sure you've heard that a little stress helps you get going, but too much will hinder you, this is one of the ways how. Which means you should probably stop pushing, and let yourself recover a little bit.
Exercise, green nature, and daylight all seem to get rid of the cortisol build ups. Also sleep, but that might not be your main concern currently. Minds also need help to let go for a bit so they can recover. Find an activity that distracts from the stress for a bit, can be a hobby, going for a hike, mindfulness meditation, gaming, or whatever. You'll probably need a lot of it for several days to recover fully, but usually looming stressors like an application don't allow for that, as they keep nagging at you in the back of the mind.
That's where stress/work management comes in, and you need to practice some methods to achieve clarity, confidence and progress on the actual task. The issue is seldom that you don't know of any good tools, but that they're too hard to implement currently, consider exploring other tools while you build back your strength. Perhaps a friend can help you tackle a part of the application, or help you sit down to work at it for an hour, maybe they can go through the process with you and plan out the steps, or you might need to just start from a new angle by yourself?
Tl;dr: Accept that you're not at your best right now, work lovingly to strengthen and support yourself, enlist help and tools to circumvent your obstacles, and you have every chance of getting better.
Had to check what cabin fever is (I only know of the film, but can’t quite remember the plot). I see what you mean. The thing I feel frustrated about it, and with myself is that it’s a self-feeding cycle. I lock myself up because I can’t deal, I don’t want to meet or see people because I get too anxious, so I stay indoors for weeks. Yet this isolation, no matter how much I enjoy it, and can acknowledge it’s a really dangerous regimen, I still stick to it. I see how it slows down everything I have to do, my hygiene is the worst it’s been. Everything just feels sucky. And the worst thing is how comfortable this isolation feels. It’s a habit now for me. And I know I should break it, but honestly, I don’t want to.
Yup, that's exactly how it goes. And that's exactly the part you have to coax, a little at a time.
Maybe start with doing one thing differently a day, it could be brushing your teeth, or just going outside for a bit. You might not like it, but you can stand it for a little while. Over time, you'll feel the difference it makes, and you'll be able to stand slightly more.
Take it in small steps. You don't have to go from shut-in to orgy in one go, it might be enough to watch people at a start, then maybe smile or wave at someone, or move where you have to move out of the way of people. Going to the cinema could be an excellent goal, it combines novelty with safe interactions and getting out, while also letting you recover from each.