108beads

Been there, done that. I probably had Covid twice, but one seemed asymptomatic. (Fully vaxxed each time.) The first time, had only a household member with Covid and some low blood-oxygen readings. The second time, felt like a bad case of flu, tested positive.

Covid seemed to linger for a longer time than most other viral infections I've had. Low energy, draggy, for a good month or two after I was physically "recovered." That I needed to self-quarantine, and my inability to get basic ADLs (activities of daily living) done efficiently contributed to feelings of depression. There was probably also a physiological Covid-related component to my feeling overall "down" as well.

It will pass, eventually (fingers crossed). It just seemed to take longer than run-of-the-mill illnesses. Be gentle with yourself.

That you're posting here suggests you really don't want to take action. That's a good start.

I urge you to seek professional counseling to work on processing this horrible experience. It won't go away if you follow through with violent plans. While you may feel like it would release your from the "prison of your mind," I can assure you it will not. And you're more likely to find yourself if literal prison.

I was raped when I was 17. I've never said thst anywhere in print, and rarely speak about it in person. I'm 68 now. I recall the details vividly.

I'm saying it now to you so you know I am speaking from hard experience, not just blathering. Revenge will not release you. And: you will be shaped by the experience. You cannot change that. But far more importantly, you do not need to be defined by it.

I refuse to have my life defined by one stupid person's thoughtless, egregiously cruel act (or even several people, several acts). You are better than that, stronger than that. I refuse to give anyone that power. It's not about forgetting anything. It's about forging it through your own will into one event, among many, that make you who you are, and who you can be.

Can't do tech very well, but give me needle, thread, and I can mend! Nobody does that anymore, either.

It sounds like you may be feeling very self-conscious about interactions. It took me a long time to learn, but much of the time (I've come to realize), "they ain't studying on me." Like—other people aren't scrutinizing me or judging me as much as I think they are.

Plenty of people are so wrapped up up in their own heads that they aren't paying you any attention, perhaps not realizing how you are reading their responses to you.

Maybe it's just me getting older, but "when I am an old woman, I shall wear purple." If others think I'm dressed weird or acting oddly—what of it? I don't need (and can't have) everyone's approval. Sure—there are limits; I don't want to endanger myself or others, or provoke hostility. I don't want to be mean to anyone.

If you make overtures of friendship and kindness and are turned away, that says a lot more about others than it does about you.

There are a number of resources pinned on this community for those in need of extra help.

I'm so glad you took the time to update! It sounds like, although it was an unpleasant experience, you made good use of it by figuring out what was behind the feelings, what was motivating your downward spiral, and what you can do to help yourself get back on track.

I know it's easier said than done, and something I struggle with too—but don't let the perfect become the enemy of the good. As in, maybe you'll try and not get it absolutely perfect. But doing a "good enough" job is sometimes (often?) better than doing nothing at all. We all make mistakes, even with the best of intentions and effort. But the only real "failure" is screwing up, and not learning anything from it. I think it was Einstein who said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results."

Thank you for asking how I'm doing! Well—muddling through. Sitting in a nursing home with my partner who has Alzheimer's, where I visit her every day. Not what I wanted for my retirement. I try to look for good things, small things. She still knows who I am, and we still love each other. I'm comfortable financially. I'm going to see my friends in church tomorrow; hopefully, the meditation class I'll be teaching will go over well. Trying to get motivated to mow the yard!

Be well, my friend, and take good care of yourself. We all have ups and downs; give yourself what you need to pick yourself up again.

I read your post a couple of hours ago, and thought about it--and I'm so glad you've been able to make some moves toward resolution.

One thing I keep thinking about, which you may not have had a chance to address: what is so troubling about the application?

Does it lead you to activities you don't want to perform? That is, if your application is accepted, and you complete the tasks that you've applied for, will you be happy, satisfied, fulfilled during and after those activities? Perhaps you have some deep sense that you don't want to go where this application takes you. Or perhaps your stumbling block is fear of failing at the tasks once you are admitted. Perhaps even your subconscious resistance is symbolic--it's a next step in growing up, moving on to the next phase of your life, and that brings all sorts of uncertainties, worries, opportunities to experience problems.

In any event, I think you've found one key to getting through the mental block: you broke the cycle by doing something (anything!) that breaks the pattern--getting out for a walk and a tram ride. Hooray!

Another key, I think, is that you mention missing doses of medication. Psych meds can do strange things to the mind, and sometimes (as you point out) the body/mind needs to adjust and ride out the change. Skipping doses can make you "think things you're not really thinking"--can shift brain chemistry in ways that make you believe the mental states are arising internally, when in fact they are chemically induced. Skipping doses can play havoc with your mental state. If the meds aren't working, or seem to be creating more problems than they solve, by all means ask your psych for a change--but it's not helpful to change the schedule of dosing just because you feel (or don't feel) like doing so.

Paying someone a simple, spur of the moment compliment, when they seem pretty happy already—and then realizing from the expression on the recipient's face that it really meant a whole lot more to them than you thought it would.

And to hear those children laughing, and a bunch of other stuff to cheer you up: https://www.peptoc.net/hotline. (Free "warm line" with pre-recorded messages—from kids!)

First—wow. You’re living an incredibly full life. You’re meeting the situation you’re in by working two jobs; looking toward the future with the university degree. You have an admirably balanced portfolio of purposeful avocational activities to meet spiritual, physical and social needs. You’ve thought out and researched how mind and body work.

But I find myself wondering: “But when do you dream?” I’m not referring to sleep-dreaming. Rather, I’m thinking of something more like meditation—where the mind is either not engaged in purposeful activitiy, or is engaged in activity that is so rote, so engrained as automatic, that the subconscious is free to make its own associations that (for lack of a better descriptor) allow it to connect the dots from what seem to be disparate experiences.

I’m a (retired) academic. You mention you’re progressing further in university studies. You don’t describe it as onerous in terms of literal time commitments: absorbing material, completing tasks that assess subject mastery.

My experience has been that intensive intellectual processing seems to drain some sort of subconscious reservoir, which then demands to be replenished. If I do not give this process its due, eventually I become a gibbering idiot; for lack of a better term, I think of it as “brain-lock.” If I try to push through, I make stupid mistakes. Like the day I woke up, cleaned my contact lenses like I had done for some 20 years, and tried to pop them in my eyes using the soap solution instead of the wetting solution. I burned my eyes so badly I had to take the day off. (No long-term harm—just serious ouch.)

Another consideration: You don’t say how old you are; some details you mention suggest you’re beyond early 20s. Specifics aren’t particularly important. I’m old enough to be retired. So here’s the point: as we age, the balance of body-mind-spirit components we need will change. I find that I need more “free-range” mental/emotional time to recover from stressful situations. Perhaps that is also so for you.

I don’t know what components you may want or need to shift in your schedule. But since you’ve asked what’s going on, I’ve offered my best guess on what you might need to assemble your own answer.

Woo-hoo! And just to note, you've gotta click the three-bars (hamburger) menu doo-hickey, bottom left corner, either mobile or desktop, to get to the resources. Resources open in a navigation menu on the left. (The phrase "Trans-Resources.Info" appears to be a link, but just takes you back to the home page. Had me puzzled at first. Weird web design, great resources.)

Yes; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) has much in common with mindfulness meditation. My partner was in a CBT program a few years ago, and a number of the "take home and read for homework" handouts were from Buddhist sources.

For those who don't find instructions on meditation very helpful, perhaps a CBT workbook might offer the same strategies, phrased in different ways.

"Cis lesbian" here. I guess. It sounds weird to say, even though "cis" has been around for some 20 years. I came out 40+ years ago. It wasn't a thing when I came out, let alone trans, enbie, etc.

I get SO mad when I hear about any people hating on anyone for their sexuality or gender identity. Have we learned nothing from closets, AIDs, the Stonewall Rebellion, conversion therapy, witch hunts, mass shootings? WE were the Martians, the aliens, to be exterminated or at best hidden 40 years ago. I hear that feeling loud and clear, and I do not forget. Apparently, the haters have repressed our history.

I love you. Just as you are. And I will be first in line to point out the utter hypocrisy of any group with a history like ours that so much as raises an eyebrow at you.

None of us is free unless all of us are free. Anyone who says otherwise is deluded into thinking that they are safe, now that the line has shifted and "gay" is tolerated, if not completely accepted. We all need each other. Now, more than ever.

Hold your head up, brother. I got your back.