World is an absolute shit show with no signs of improving, personal life just keeps turning upside down, everything makes me terminally tired. I am trying to remain positive and be a positive force for others. I do stuff to make me feel better, like art, take walks, talk to a therapist, grow plants, community work - and I do manage to squeeze a tiny happiness out of my activities but it doesn't seem to be worth the effort. I try to connect with people and quite a few people actually seem to like me but socializing makes me feel exhausted. I catch myself thinking "Let the fucking war arrive and burn it all down" and that's terrifying stuff to carry in one's own head. I just feel I'm part of the overpopulation and that there's no point of existing.
I have a kid and don't want them to be sad because their crazy parent offed themselves and that's all that keeps me going.
Those of you feeling like this: what keeps you going?
EDIT: Wow, this has been quite a day. Thanks for your answers and advice, it was so far the darkest day I found on my path and you really helped me through it! I'd like to send a virtual hug to all, especially those who seem to be struggling as much as I do and who stay around for the sake of their loved ones, or simply out of spite and anger. The heavy tension-inducing weather that was been brewing here all morning finally unloaded into an impressive thunderstorm with bucket loads of rain, and then a friend arrived telling me she was feeling quite the same way (the weather clearly didn't help today!), and she inspired me to host a meeting I wanted to do since a long time, so I finally set up a date for it and announced it. So here we go again, despite or with the rage, the spite, the heavy heart. See you tomorrow, hopefully with some sun to try that 'baking cookies in my car' thing I just found in the shitposting community. At least there will be cookies to go with the doom tomorrow!
I recently watched an interview with Bernie Sanders, on a German podcast from about a year ago. He said that when he was born, african-americans didn't have suffrage. He was 24 when they got voting rights. Had somebody asked him back then "Do you think that a black man will be president in the US in your lifetime?" he had said "No, absolutely not". Now he tells young people about that and they're like "what the heck are you talking about?" because to them that concept is so foreign and long ago, they can't actually imagine what that must've been like anymore. I'm one of those young people, and I'm pretty thankful that people like him fought for a future they never thought to be able to see.
I think that the future will not be what we expect it to be. Could be better. Could be worse. Probably though it's gonna be something completely wild with some good and some bad in it. I mean even today, despite all the shittiness in the world, there are some small good things happening every now and then. And I realized that I even may have influenced some of them ever so slightly. How crazy is that! So what keeps me going is trying to make that dent and make those pockets of good in the world just a tiny bit bigger. Someone will be grateful for it.