Quite frankly I'm just at a loss at this point. Been on the therapy and meds journey for almost a year now, and did the whole exercise shebang consistently for like 2 years. I was doing cardio for an hour every 1-2 days.
I am getting quite disillusioned and don't understand what I'm even doing anymore. I'm getting so caught up in various things that I'm just confused as all hell. Every time I think I figure something out, I end up so wrong it's almost like it's not even funny.
I have intense reactions to rejection. I have extreme and intense negative emotions that persist for many hours and days after a trigger and they are very painful and difficult to deal with and can impair functioning. I have a lot of social anxiety, which I did not think contributed much to this. But now I'm wondering if I have a pattern of social anxiety --> extreme rejection sensitivity --> extreme emotional dysregulation.
I have been on escitalopram (Lexapro), then lamotrigine (Lamictal), and now quetiapine (Seroquel). I do not have ADHD. I do not have bipolar disorder. I don't even have persistent depression. I have periodic extreme episodes that cause a lot of distress and can cause functional impairment like how my work threatened to fire me. I also have intense shame and self-hatred, often babbling to my online friends nonsense about how I'm a "demon" when I get this way. I am also totally normal 90% of the time. It's only the remaining 10% that causes the struggle.
People always tell me to "go to therapy". I am. I have seen multiple therapists and have been consistent with this one since the fall. People tell me I don't put enough work. I am. People tell me I am not honest enough to my providers. I am. People tell me try a different therapist. I have tried many (I stick with my main one for continuity and so that I don't have to keep rehashing my backstory).
At this point I feel like I don't know what is down and what is up. I no longer understand what my problem is anymore. Every time I think I figure out what my issue is, every time I think I figure out a technique to help me, I'm wrong.
I'm starting to think that this is who I am. It is unchangeable. I experience a lot of pain and sensitivity where others don't. I wish that wasn't the case, but I think it can't be changed.
Idk where do I go from here, friends? Thank you to those who have read my entire rant lmao.
My providers seem to be more keen on treating symptoms (ex: rn quetiapine for dramatic mood shifts, Lexapro was for depressive spells and anxiety, etc.). I was also briefly on Luvox and didn't mention it because it was really short and a low dose. She was titrating me up on it recently but then abruptly switched me to Seroquel after I told her about my most recent extreme reaction.
I am not being treated for ADHD because I don't have ADHD. They one and only "symptom" I have of ADHD is sensitivity to rejection. I know it's popular nowadays for people to claim that you must have ADHD if you have that. But in reality, there are a lot of conditions that involve rejection sensitivity. It's not only ADHD. For me, the rejection sensitivity stems from social anxiety and possibly borderline personality disorder on top of it.
I also do not have bipolar disorder. I have been screened for it numerous times. I need to clarify that my "episodes" have a significantly shorter duration than what is required for bipolar disorder. My episodes are also generally trigger based and do NOT involve sleep disturbances. These things point a lot more towards borderline personality disorder.
I do know borderline personality disorder is refractory to most meds, but I feel like I really really need something in order to help to better use the skills.
Yeah, I've been told by others in life that I need to seek other providers, but it just gets so exhausting and expensive doing that. There is a new person I was going to call today I guess.
I'll definitely keep trying, keeping all of your guys' thoughts in mind. But it's definitely not as simple as people like to make it sound. I am trying.