Selfhosted
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I can only speak on behalf of Matrix Synapse, but enabling Federation and joining the matrix.org destroyed my server with a i5 6600k- it is very expensive to federate and the resource cost per user is very high if you're not sharing your instance with anyone.
Have you tried conduit? I am joined to rooms with several thousand users each, and I'm not really suffering any slowdowns except during initial sync. Conduit seems to be running happily at half a gig of RAM, and CPU usage is minimal
I haven't bothered because nobody I wanna talk to is on Matrix, anyway :P