this post was submitted on 18 Nov 2023
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Smart move, Gen Z. Those apps are all scams designed to maximize engagement and extract your money from you. They give you a bad mix of early false hope and eventual despair.
Love, Gen X.
Just an anecdote, but I never paid for anything, and most of my exes were from tinder, as well as my current partner. Some were from jodel or instagram, but I’ve had the best luck by far with the dating apps.
I don’t really feel scammed, though they did probably extract a goodly amount of my personal data. But monetarily it was free, and I had a bunch of nice encounters as well as some really good relationships.
But I am a millennial, nearing 30s, so maybe it’s a generational gap
Have you used any recently? It could be that we're both right, as software just keeps getting worse for over the past few years.
Late summer I remade an account after getting over a relationship that previously ended, and found my current partner (though I did have to go through a few not so great dates to finally really click with someone, but that’s also true for what we used to go through back in the day, and probably for anything that has humans involved).
But I agree that the experience in the app itself was significantly worse, with the constant adverts and pop-ups and whatnot. I just endured them to connect with people, but definitely worse experience as an app than the last time I used it some years ago. But humans are humans in and out of the app, doesn’t really matter what the app is, as long as one can connect and move to other apps from there. Or, you know, real life 🙈
I met my wife through PoF, but this is exactly how Id describe dating apps. They are so designed to keep you checking the app constantly, pay for premium features and feel awful about yourself. In my situation it really was the only way I could meet anyone (was in my rotations of grad school, working 12 hour days), but the apps were like measurably depressing me
Glad it worked out for you guys in the end. There has to be a better way. I usually tell folks to get involved with mixed groups that are activity-based. There's all kinds of volunteer groups, athletics clubs, and hobby groups out there. Go where the people are, the group activity is a great ice breaker, and then hope to find someone in the group (or network with it to find someone). It's much better than praying to the app gods through the phone, IMO.
The biggest thing to ne is it can be misguided to join those types of groups when your in a position to be looking for a partner. In general, its great to be involved in activity/hobby groups, and if you find your partner there thats wonderful. But if you are joining just to find a partner, thats where things can get really disappointing and youre not exactly there for the right reason. At the time I was involved in more than enough hobby and activity groups, and didnt need to join more only for to be 'just there to meet women'. That is the element (in theory) thats good about dating apps. Im there to meet potential partners. Im not pretending to be interested in pottery just to meet a cute girl. Im on the app with a goal of meeting a partner, and want to talk to people who also want to meet a partner. Obviously people and app devs use dating apps for other purposes. But when you are busy with work, school, and have enough hobbies and activities, having something thats very straightforward about wanting to find a partner was a lot more direct way to find someone.
I understand what you're saying, and I agree. However, most people should be able to find at least one group activity where they are truly interested in the activity; be it volunteering, sports, or hobbies. If not, they may have deeper problems than being single that need to be addressed first. Communal activities and socializing are at the very core of human nature.
Yep I agree. But i wish there was a better approach to how people give that advice. Like there is a point where you.have maintained good social circles, and its time to find people who are actively looking for partners in places where thats appropriate.
Ive got friends who because they are already involved in many social groups and hobbies (but no potential dating options in those groups) are almost of the opinion that the only way they can meet someone is asking out their cute waitress or their cashier, which seems to oftentimes just kinda make someone whose just trying to work have to deal with an awkward social interaction. But to them theres something really tabboo or bad about pursuing dating apps or the like where they will be (in theory) talking to people who are there trying to find dates. Its just odd to me to go about it that way. Maybe just based off my own dating past, but I just cant imagine things evolving from just asking a random person out. And i know prople do that and it goes well. But also theres gotta be a better way to frame going to dating specific spaces that doesnt come off as cheesy and lame as I feel like it does tmost the time
I think churches and formal dances used to help serve this purpose. Still do for some groups. I can't think of any modern equivalent for the majority. Folks then have to find less than ideal alternatives.
I feel like the loss of "third spaces" has impacted this, too. There's a whole rabbit hole on that subject.
Yea those are good points. Ive heard some of the arguments about third space stuff. At this point in my life, many examples of third space places are completely uninteresting to me. But i have a full time job, a family, ect, so whether they were or were not available I dont think id utilize a third space. But i see their value