this post was submitted on 24 Jul 2024
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No Stupid Questions

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32
Moms, if you were struggling with your child in public and a man offered to help, would you let him and why? (lemm.ee)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by EABOD25@lemm.ee to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world
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[–] dhork@lemmy.world 61 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Dad here. I simply don't offer if it involves their kids, it is far too likely to be misconstrued. Plus, that mom is probably doing all she can to keep it together, and knowing that someone noticed could put her in a worse place mentally. If I'm out with my wife, she has offered out help before, and that is much less likely to be judged. It's just a fact.

(I will offer to do things like take the shopping cart back, but I would do that regardless of whether they have kids with them or not.)

I have sometimes seen little kids wander off while their mom wasn't looking. I do pay attention to where they go, and try to keep them in sight. Sometimes it might have only looked like they were wandering, only to find they were going toward another trusted adult. But other times you can see that moment of panic on the mom's face when they realize what happened. It's enough to be able to point and say "they went that way" and they can go get the kid themselves.

I won't interfere unless the kid is going into a dangerous situation, like a street or into water. Even then, I won't touch the kid unless it's the last possible thing to do to keep them safe, I am more likely to get in their way and ask them where their parents are.

[–] infinitevalence@discuss.online 28 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

Dad here, I have both been the guy, and been the parent and in a safe area where you have some control basic human trust can be enough. I always ask/offer, try not to be creepy.

I often start off, with something like "I can sympathize, I have two myself, would you like some help? I would say 50% of the time they say yes, and the rest its a combo of fear or embarrassment because they think needing help is shameful, which it is not, your community exists to help and thats how humans did it for 100k's years until the 1950's ruined everything.

[–] EABOD25@lemm.ee 8 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (4 children)

Thanks for the comment. My wife and I have agreed to start having kids in a few months, and I've just had a lot of things swirling around in my head. I'm excited and anxious at the same time and what I would do in certain situations. But I love random moments where you can be helpful and not threatening. Due to the time period I grew up in, that post 1950s belief that you have was not trained into me.

For example, I'm a 36-year-old white guy. I got my wife (who is awesome) and my 3 dogs. There's this one little girl that my dogs absolutely love, and she loves them too. There were small interactions with other kids around (I had to yell at the older kid because they threw shit at my door. If you need clarification on my logic, I'm happy to explain it), but she immediately locked on trying to figure my dogs out. I don't her I had no problem during the summer if she came and helped me with the dogs in the morning and evening, I was going to pay her $10 each time she helped, but I needed to meet her parents and talk to them about it first

I didn't hear from the kid for a while, and eventually, I unintenially bumped into her dad. Long story short, he told me to stay away from his daughter.

I was disappointed but also understood where he was coming from. However, I also believe it takes a village to raise a child, and I'm trying to consider which direction I feel I would go...

[–] infinitevalence@discuss.online 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It could have been the delivery of the conversation, something like:

Hey , and i noticed your daughter loves our Dogs, since we work most days would you be comfortable with her helping out <your partner, and I> in the mornings or evenings? We are getting started on our family but our little helper will take a few years before we can put them to work.

Women are generally seen as less threatening, so having conversations where you drop your partners name and status in front of yours helps. Identifying yourself as a parent, or working to be a parent also can "soften" your male appearance. Finally, dont push, drop it and take no for an answer because some people are never going to be comfortable.

Also dont expect your words or message to be translated to adult, there have been times where our kids have said things that "they were told by an adult" and when we have called the school/daycare/friends parent, its often a misunderstanding where the kid has no idea what the context or specifics meant so they tried to convey their own version. So next time keep it short and sweet, and if possible immediate. "Are your parents around... Could I talk to your <DAD/MOM>.... we need to get <DAD/MOM>s permission first"

A few things that have helped me in the past are being prepared. While my kids were in diapers or potty training I rolled everywhere with spare gear and I was quick to offer to other parents, especially at parks and public areas where people can be caught unprepared.

I had a situation in an airport where a Mom was overwhelmed trying to hold 1 kid, keep another in the stroller, and sign the doc's to check her strollers and car seats. I was already in line, so I said "Im not going anywhere, can I help you with something or hold one of your kids?" She did an up and down check, realized I was in fact in line, and its an airport, so she handed me her baby and I stood where she could see me and rocked them while she finished what she had to do.

I would also suggest taking some child safety classes, I coach sports, and am a Den leader in our local Cub Scout Pack. Both programs required me to take classes regarding identifying child predators, unsafe situations, and child abuse and how to report them. Classes like these can help you see interactions from an outside risk perspective.

[–] EABOD25@lemm.ee -5 points 3 months ago

I wasn't asking for advertisement, but thanks haha

[–] person420@lemmynsfw.com 3 points 3 months ago

A lot of what you hear is overblown. I'm usually the one to take my kids to activities (karate, gymnastics, birthday parties, etc). I'm very much an extrovert so I'm usually the type to talk to the other parents, play with the kids, etc.

It's all about the situation and your demeanor. I'm usually the first to stop a kid from walking out of a place, running into the street, etc. I've never had a response other than thank you. Most parents appreciate the help.

Sometimes you might find parents that are a bit colder, but that's the exception, not the norm. As long as it doesn't seem like you're trying to lore the kids into your van with candy, you're probably fine.

[–] lovely_reader@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago

It's imperative to get to know a kid's parents and check with them before ever inviting a minor to interact with you in their absence, especially alone. Huge red flags.

A mother struggling in public might well accept your help—as long as you offer it to her. If you instead address the kid, that's gonna be a no from most parents.

[–] sodalite@slrpnk.net 16 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (2 children)

damn im sorry that you're only getting dads

[–] MelonYellow@lemmy.ca 7 points 3 months ago

Can't imagine there are too many moms on Lemmy lol

[–] EABOD25@lemm.ee 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's all good. I figure it's an uncomfortable question

[–] Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago

Also, I suspect there is less female representation here than other social media.

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 12 points 3 months ago (1 children)

What sort of help? Get something for me while I wrangle the kid? Sure. Also blocking if they are running off and turning them in the right direction, sure.

No I wouldn't have handed off a baby to a random dude, even though I'm sure that 95% of the time it would be safe to.

[–] 11111one11111@lemmy.world -1 points 3 months ago (2 children)

How about to a woman? Also just oit of curiosity what type of neighborhood do you live in: rural, suburb or metro?

[–] Shou@lemmy.world 4 points 3 months ago

Not the person you replied to... but I agree with them, and I wouldn't give it to a random woman either.

[–] RBWells@lemmy.world 2 points 3 months ago

No, probably not, and I live in a mid-sized city, so between metro and suburban I guess. Again, I do think it would be safe and overwhelming percentage of the time just wouldn't FEEL safe.

[–] Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (1 children)

So, I'm not a mom, but I am a dad, and I won't say absolutely not because I think there are simple ways that someone could help without potentially endangering my family, but for the most part, probably not.

Like, are we talking about holding a door open for someone pushing a stroller, or "Can I watch your kid while you go inside and shop for groceries in peace"?

There's a big difference there.

[–] EABOD25@lemm.ee 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I was thinking more that the kid is a spider monkey while at least one hand is full with other issues. Such as another child, a grocery kart, etc...

[–] lovely_reader@lemmy.world 1 points 3 months ago

What type of help would you be offering in that example?

[–] Fleppensteijn@feddit.nl 7 points 3 months ago (1 children)

What a strange and sexist question. I've been asked by random mothers to carry their buggy with kid up the stairs, off the train etc. before. If I would speak the local language where I live, I probably would've offered. Judging by the comments here, I'm glad I didn't make that mistake.

[–] dhork@lemmy.world 10 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Oh, if I'm asked, it's a different story. It means the mom needs the help and does not mind it. But it's a sad fact that too many people (particularly in the US) are paranoid and their mind immediately goes to the worst possible scenario in a new situation. So if I offer without any context whatsoever, they will think I'm some sort of weirdo.

I've been given the stink eye before while at a playground -- while watching my kids. Hey, Karen, sometimes dads help out with the kids, too!

[–] Fleppensteijn@feddit.nl 1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Well Americans are kind of known for not keeping to themselves and being chatty with strangers, when abroad at least. Even personal questions etc. So it's strange to draw the line at helping others.

[–] Dark_Arc@social.packetloss.gg 2 points 3 months ago

You're probably meeting our weirdos in those cases... Trust me we get other countries weirdos (mostly in our touristy spots) too.

We can be chatty with strangers but it's typically very surface level stuff "what's a nice place to eat around here", "that's a really cute dog", "any recommendations for things to do while we're here", etc

[–] sunbrrnslapper@lemmy.world 7 points 3 months ago

Mom here. Depends on the situation. My dog once got off leash while I was pushing my kid in a stroller. She wouldn't come near the stroller. A man watched the stroller while I got the dog. But I wasn't far from my kid (10 feet, maybe) and the park was full of people. I likely wouldn't accept help if my kid was just misbehaving.

[–] Mango@lemmy.world 6 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Heya. I noticed your kid is being a shit. Want me to pretend to kidnap them and act like you're mad enough to be okay with it?

[–] CaptainBlagbird@lemmy.world 4 points 3 months ago

"Also I already have the van with "free candy" sprayed on, everything would look authentic"

[–] Nemo@midwest.social 5 points 3 months ago

FUCK NO

[–] bjoern_tantau@swg-empire.de 5 points 3 months ago

Dad here: I wouldn't let any stranger "help" with my child unless I need help in a life threatening situation. And I'm pretty certain the same is true for my wife. No stranger could know what the real underlying issue is.

[–] Crackhappy@lemmy.world 4 points 3 months ago

I'm not a mom, but I'm a dad and also I would say fuck no.

[–] HubertManne@moist.catsweat.com 3 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Its wierd being a guy nowadays. Even years ago I remember going to the zoo with my wife and she is a picture taking type with a nice camera and there is this merry go round. Well she wants to go around and get pictures from every point but there are these benches and im like. ok well im tired im going to sit here and when you are ready to move on get me. Well when she was about half way around so just opposite me I suddenly realized im this guy sitting alone on a bench watching a merry go round filled with kids. Man was I glad when she was done and we were moving again.

[–] Pika@sh.itjust.works 6 points 3 months ago

I mean you could have had a kid on the merry go round, it seems normal to me!