thank you, sincerely, this is very helpful comment and something that I don't feel like maybe I deserve omggg I need to work on that lol
Why not someone making a nice comment, take it and appreciate it
I will pick some therapist tomorrow and we will see what kind of shit will come up, I bet it will feel fucking terrible
I think people will hate me tbh, that’s why I don’t join clubs or stuff like that
Not even discord servers. Not even talking to similar people or within the group that should like me cause if they hate me that would be crushing if you know what I mean
Hence I often get to know people who already hate me like alt right or some bullies, toxic ppl, because that is… less risky? Somehow. I don’t truly care about them so if they hate me this feels like nothing. but if someone who I really look up to would hate me… well, that would be rather extremely painful
Actually that would probably make me hate them psychotically as a some kind of subjective defense of identity. And what is understood by me as ‘hate’ is very sensitive. Merely sideways stare that I would interpret too much will make me go off to some deep end (but only if it is from someone in some group that I should belong to)
If it is some aggressive looking, young male with bald head and ugly stare then I will just feel like on a safari and see the dangerous wildlife that should be avoided. Scary of course, adrenaline going but not something that lasts in my mind
I am not afraid of wolves or tigers. But what I am afraid of is a woman that will thrust a knife in my heart and kill it
I don’t have any friends whatsoever since like 10 years tbh and honestly never had one. Just acquaintances and frenemies but right now I haven’t talked to anyone except family since years I think
So I guess my ways of communicating may be a bit strange and look like trolling when they are honest and there is no ill intent or malice
I like to talk online sometimes and have responses I can interact with. All cool I hope my bro take care 🥰 and chill
No I just want to talk, there is no malice nor ill intent
No I don’t want fear. I don’t want to feel fear ever again. Whatever it takes to do that I will do
Fear is a prison
I need to somehow crush that fearful part of me and kill it because it is broken
Okay I am afraid to come there to therapist actually first so maybe let’s start with that part
I want money and want to have a mindset that will allow for a swift and easy accumulation of it so then I don’t need it anymore and can focus on higher luxuries such as some kind of abstract ethics or whatever
If that means being an asshole for some time then it’s okay as long as it is helping me achieve this minimum monetary security
That’s what I have been thinking. Therapy could be a way to make the masses more productive and obey the senseless laws of society
So what I would just go there and talk about what for 150 dollars? They would sniff it out what I need or…? Or do I need to know what I need? How many 150 dollar meetings for figuring it out?
I need money and fearlessness, now give me that or at least ways to achieve it
Then there is also power I have been eyeing if I have these things but that can wait and will come with the first two
Fearlessness -> Money -> Power that’s how it looks like in the long run
However on my path I am brought down by some stupid things like daily commute problems or mental overload or anxiety. I just want to surgically cut them out
I don’t know I am afraid though I am not very resistant to hostility
I am trans, nonbinary, xenogendrr, they gonna crucify me or something lmao
But a solid advice otherwise
why do I really need one tho, I am curious what is that you spotted that made you feel like it
its just such a non telling comment - go to therapy. why, what's wrong, what made you uneasy?