Kyrgizion

Guess I'll die 😬

I'm 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I've tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I'm a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don't see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I'm so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be "edgy". It's emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don't enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I've just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I'm tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn't wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

EDIT; I can't reply to everyone individually but thanks for all the suggestions! Opiates are out of the question, doctors here will only prescribe those in terms of absolutely extreme suffering or end of life care. I also don't particularly feel interested in developing a hard drug habit. Diclofenac and such are available but also only on separate prescriptions, I'd have to visit another doctor for that. I'm well stocked on paracetamol & ibuprofen, and apart from that, lots of ice cream, pudding & soup :)

Also, since a fair few people seem to doubt the veracity of my story, here's the 22 extracted teeth (the other 10 were already gone in previous extractions).

I'm a 40-year old dude with... let's say, plenty of issues. Most of them stemming from childhood but adulthood has been equally painful so far.

I've been looking into self-help a lot lately and notice that many techniques tell you to focus on a person whom you consider an example, a role model you want to emulate.

The problem is, I don't have any. None. My own father was an abusive alcoholic who offed himself when I was 15. My mother did her best but was a neurotic wreck with many untreated mental health issues of her own. She eventually found a new partner whom I looked up to for many years since he was finally that role model I thought I needed.

But a few years ago he tried to seduce my own partner (which luckily didn't succeed), resulting in my esteem for him immediately imploding completely.

In the greater world, outside of my own little atmosphere, there aren't really any actors or business people or coworkers, bosses, teachers... that I've looked up to or ever had any kind of relationship with. Sure, there are many people I admire for whatever they may have contributed to humanity, but that doesn't mean they're some kind of shining example in every area of their lives.

I guess I'm just trying to communicate that I'm a 40-year old dude with daddy issues and I have no idea how to healthily cope with it or even fix it.

Before anyone asks, I'm on a waiting list for professional treatment. Been a month, 5 more to go (in a best case scenario).

How did others cope with this specifically? Did you have any insights in what ideas to emulate or how to handle certain difficulties in life through the lens of a mentor? Is it even desirable or is it just another crutch for the weak-minded to cope with, well, being weak-minded?