Lost_Soul

I'm 21/male and already lived on my own but I was forced to move back to my toxic parents 2 years ago because I wasn't able to live on my own because of my depression that was caused by the trauma from my parents (the only alternative I had was being homeless).

I was taken away from my parents when I was 12 and the fact that I now live with the people again who are the cause of my misery makes me feel like I'm paralyzed and I don't know how to escape this situation.

I'm a very sensitive person and always seek positivity and thoughtful interactions. Especially my dad is the exact opposite of that and is the most direct and rude person I ever met in my life. Every time my dad see's me he lectures and devalues me in the most direct and aggressive tone imaginable to the point where I'm too afraid to leave my room when he's in the house. He even criticizes me when I don't touch the door properly and leave fingerprints or when I left a few water drops at the sink as if I murdered someone and he leaves threatening messages on paper across the house. And everywhere he goes he spreads negative energy. (I'm obviously not doing anything wrong and he's just dissatisfied with himself and he makes way bigger/actual mistakes.)

As a highly sensitive and reactive person this makes me deeply depressed and makes me feel I'm incapable of escaping it on my own. I know that I have potential but I can't use it because the circumstances are paralyzing me. It's like being trapped in hell and the fact that this hell is so damaging/hurtful to me makes me unable to escape. I feel like it's destroying me!

Being born in 2003 I experienced a glimpse of the world when everything wasn't hyper connected and everyone didn't yet have a phone with all these addictive social media apps and I really miss those times.

Having a very addictive personality and suffering from depression, ADHD and OCD it seems impossible for me handling the freedom of being an independent adult in this modern world. I recently posted something that it feels like everything nowadays is designed to maximize capital at the cost of harming people.

Basically early on in my childhood I developed an addiction to technology getting my first Nintendo and basically having no restrictive parenting which made me watch TV everyday all day long since I was a kid (also to escape the trauma I experienced).

Now I'm in this dark hole where all I do day by day is waking up, consuming media, watching porn and listening to very depressing music for years. And it is eating me up. It doesn't give me any joy anymore and it feels so uncomfortable.

But the fact that I become more and more miserable and insecure strengthens this urge to escape reality and makes it impossible to stop. And I guess I'm just too weak to change it. I lost my hope in life years ago when I gathered all my inner life that was left in me and shared my feelings with a girl I fell in love with but she didn't share those feelings (even though she showed strong affection towards me before) which created the ultimate insecurity and destruction of my self worth/believe in me and took away the last little bit of light in me.

I always had this inner craving of getting rid of all the external tech and artificial stimuly and just living in nature almost like an animal. That might sound strange but biologically we're not much different from our "caveman" ancestors and living the "new-way" in this modern society feels so wrong and unnatural to me. Even if it was just for a few times a week I would love if I could just be outside in nature with similar minded people and somehow just live "primal" like hunting animals, climbing/jumping things and just having fun together like playing in a lake etc. That's the deep urge inside me but I can't fulfill that because I don't see a way for that in this society.

And it is only getting worse with all these upcoming technologies like VR and AI that give me nightmares. I don't want any of this since it feels so uncomfortable to me but I feel like it's being forced on us and being so miserable and hopeless makes me addicted to it. And it's this easy way of passively experiencing and being part of something that made me search for answers at the wrong place since I thought the tech might make me happy and used it to feed my misery. And I think I'm nothing without the tech.

I feel like I basically sold my soul to the pleasure and live in pure misery waiting for my life to finally end, but it doesn't. This slow death is so painful.

The fact that I had all these potentials like being somewhat smart, athletic etc. makes it even worse that I'm wasting all these opportunities with this content consumption. I used to go to the gym and had somewhat of a life but that faded away with said disappointments and the misery I'm feeling.

I don't take any drugs and I don't even eat unhealthy food like candy but I just can't get rid of the tech. There also is this strong fear of missing out and not being "ahead"/"smart" by knowing about the latest tech but the strongest thing is the fear of facing the world/reality with all my insecurities and being disappointed and embarrassing myself cause I'm not likable/capable enough and getting rejected/not fitting in.

But no matter what I tried I can't escape the pleasure since I don't have any restrictive guardian and I'm incapable of doing that for myself.

I wonder if anyone else here has similar experiences like this or has any thoughts on it.

Hi, I 21/male have depression, ADHD and most likely also OCD.

No matter what happens I constantly think about the smallest things that they ruined my life and that I can't progress/let go of them without being perfect.

I destroy my whole life that way cause this always prohibits me from enjoying life because I always will find a thought and reason why I can't commit to life and enjoy it.

It could be the silliest thing like I can't follow my passion because someone criticized me or something.

Like if my brain constantly searches a reason for why something might ruin me.

I have this feeling of being unable to do stuff when something didn't work/turned out the way I wanted it to, like as if there is this barrier that paralysis me. I think that something I did (or someone else did) ruined my life and that I can never undo it anymore. And I have so much shame and regret over my actions.

I obsessively always see the worst of every little thing and it doesn't make any sense and mostly is completely unreasonable.

I'm wasting my whole life time and miss all the great life opportunities which I deeply regret.

Is there any way I can escape this toxic negative cycle that keeps me stuck in this overthinking?

Because it's like my brain constantly finds a reason to not do the stuff that would actually help me and take me forward.

I'm a 21 year old guy and struggle with depression for my whole life because of traumatic things I experienced from my parents.

About 2 years ago I completely lost all my spirit and willingness in life. I fell into this dark hole where I'm not able to do anything on my own anymore and had to move back to my parents since I wasn't able to live on my own anymore.

Since then I spent the full 2 years completely alone in my room every single day and haven't been outside or met anyone since. I only get outside maybe once a month to buy groceries but except from that I don't see the world anymore, have no activities to do and live with pure hopelessness, no money and very little food.

Even though my family knows all that and I'm crying out for help, no one is helping me. I've lived in many facilities before, went to therapy and have a psychiatrist but all they do is talk but that's it. I tried my very best but realized that I'm just not capable to live on my own.

And then all my parents do (especially my father) is treating me the same way like when I was a kid that caused my depression in the first place by letting out their dissatisfaction/frustration with themselves on me and baselessly blaming/criticizing me for every little thing. And all that is just making it so much worse and harder for me to get out of the situation.

They let me suffer in hell until I go insane or die.

I don't understand why this world is so cruel. It feels like no one cares about people who suffer.

I don't get that. If I was better off and knew someone in such a situation I would do everything to help them and give them what they need. Why is no one helping and just let you suffer like that?