Monster96

It's crazy what's been happening lately. I have a relatively big family and, honestly I don't know a whole of them, but in the past two weeks two extended family members passed. Then, this morning, I just got the news that my aunty whom I've known all my life passed.

Whats going on? Why are so many people dying? In the past year I've lost 4 family members. All to sickness or to some sort of external factor.

I wish I was like John Coffey. I'm not religious, in fact God can fuck off, but I wish I could get healing powers. Imagine what life would be like if instead of dying, grieving, crying, people can celebrate, smile, laugh. Parents can see their sick children grow to be adults. People can see the world instead of seeing it through the windows from a bed. People can walk with their families instead of wheeling by their side. If I had supernatural healing powers, like the people in the movies I watch and video games I play, that could all be possible.

I often think that life is a punishment. Being able to live isn't a gift. It feels more like a curse.

As in the dream you had while sleeping.

Mine had me seeing the sky distort and turn into some sort of dimensional rift. I remember seeing black goo falling from the sky and seeing a large, sandstone ceiling cover everything. Just beyond the reach of clouds I saw a rocky ceiling with square holes in them that lead into the darkness of space. Then, after getting lost in an ancient pyramid, the sky then turned into planets phasing into one another. Like textures in a video game overlapping one another. I saw lights in the sky flying around like fireflies and hearing a voice saying "You're quarantined on this planet. You may not leave but we can."

I've heard that a phone lock screen can tell you a lot about the person. So, I'm curious.

We always hear about people's bad habits but what's your good habit? Mine is whenever I have a meal that has vegetables in it I always eat that first. That way I get it out if the way then I can enjoy the rest of meal without having to worry about eating it.

What's the point of everything? What are we heading towards? There's got to be a reason why we were put here. Why was I put here? To sit at a computer all day and work for another person making spreadsheets and drawing a bird over and over again? Surely that can't be the reason.

I often hear that "life is a gift", but this is shittiest gift I've ever received. A life full of 9 to 5, too tired to do anything, alone all the time, bills, no money. In post apocalyptic movies there's the risk of death but at least they're alive. Have something to do and appreciating every moment they have breath in their lungs. But, not me. No reason to wake up early other than to be tired at a computer desk. Nothing to look forward to other than the morning coffee. Life is monotonous. Even with stuff to do it's a fleeting feeling. Disappearing the next day knowing that such an event is an anomaly. No fun is to be had.

Movies, video games, and YouTube provide the illusion of being alive. Of breathing for the first time. Of smelling the fresh air of a mountain top. Feeling the touch of a lover. Hearing the laugh of a friend. The feeling of being wanted.

But it's only an illusion that makes my eyes water and my back stiff. Instead of warmth, I get wrist pain. Instead of happiness, I get eye strain. Instead of a living, I get existing.

I read that our lives were born of star dust. Our world is perfectly situated to harbour the gift of life brought down from the void above us by asteroids and comets. The gift of life is unusual it seems. If that's the case...

Why was I put here and cursed to live this life of loneliness?

Here's what happened in the span of two months. My aunts mom died due to a sickness. My uncle died due to sickness and basically giving up. My other aunt got diagnosed with the worst disease you can get so she's starting treatment. This morning, we just got the news that my grandma might be bedridden for the rest of her life due to a medical condition.

The one good thing, be it a tiny piece of good news, is that my dads existing condition is improving but that doesn't mean he's completely cured.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know why this is happening. Why is this happening all at once and close to Christmas no less? I tried to run away and go on vacation, which I am currently on right now, but even here we're getting all this bad news. Work is calling me. Doctors are calling my family members. It feels like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and no matter what I do, I can't get a rest.

Life blows. If this is what life is meant to be, I wouldn't have made an effort to make it this far. I should've just stayed in bed.

I recently rewatched the video of the woman on the plane screaming that the passenger beside her wasn't human and it got me thinking about something I've seen.

I remember seeing a teenage girl in a small food store I go to address the guy behind the counter as 'human'. "Thanks, human." Stuff like that. I think she was just doing a bit or something but I thought it was strange.

For me, it was a long talk I had with a random person on Omegle when that was a thing. I was bored one night so I decided to give it a try and I was matched with someone who I had nearly a 2 hour conversation with. We told jokes, told each other about ourselves, and talked like we were lifelong friends. But, we never did tell each other our names. I could've talked to this person all night but the interaction turned for the worst near the end. The person was depressed from what I gathered and the depression arose and the conversation fizzled out. I still think about them nearly 6 years later and hope that they are doing good whoever they were.

For example, I once saw a man throw his hat down in anger. He didn't stomp on it which was kind of a let down.

It's been almost 8 months since I graduated Uni. No one wants to hire a student with no experience. Been living in my parents basement for all that time. Been working nearly every single day trying to better myself for a job to no avail. Been drowning in debt for nearly 10 years. Mom hasn't been able to work due to health problems. Dad just diagnosed with the worst possible disease you can think about so he can't work. It all falls to me to work. Family had to resort to a social assistance to pay the basics requirement for bills. Owe Sister and aunts money. All my friends have moved away or too busy to talk or do anything. Last meaningful relationship, which entails just talking and doing nothing more, was about 5 years ago. And no matter what I do, who I turn to for help, how much I kill myself trying to get a job, how much I try to better this situation, it all ends up with another rejection email, another message left on read, another email with no response, and more debt that I can never repay back.

Yeah, I get why villains want to destroy the world in movies. The world sucks, everyone sucks, there's no good people in this world. Miracles don't exist, dreams are just imaginary, everyone doesn't care about you or what you're going through.

And like everything else I've tried doing to help, this won't get any attention. It seems like the universe forgot I existed or just made me to torment me. Because it just seems that I'm just a shadow in a dark place.

Forgotten and alone.