I feel that you are a confused person. We all are when we are younger, you’ll look back one day and grimace at some of the things you said when younger and less experienced.
You should be fazed by death, I wasn’t when I was killing Muj in Afghanistan, and the act still doesn’t bother me, but the knowledge of life and how fleeting it is makes me empathetic to the ones who maybe were in my way through difficult circumstances.
I’m glad I’m alive, glad I won, but understanding of loss and that I was there willingly and wanting, while many were there without a choice.
Hehe in any form sounds like Michael Jackson in my head.