cw self-harm, child abuse
::: spoiler spoiler
I have been out of my abusive household for like 1.5 months. I ran away with nothing but a small backpack across the whole big country to save myself.
I thought getting out of this situation would fix me but I was wrong. I get stuck in old patterns, sometimes I act like i'm still with my family. I feel guilty for everything even thought my best friend i've been living with tells me I haven't done anything wrong. she's sick and tired of me saying "i'm sorry"
sometimes (often) I can't help but cry and beat myself.
beating myself helps me stop crying and hating myself so much. especially when I feel i'm guilty and should punish myself like I was punished for every little thing as a child
today I had a flashback into my childhood and then had a vision of the escape day but I didn't succeed in stealth escape like it was in reality, I saw myself being caught and dragged back and punished by my grandmother, I saw myself screaming and fighting her but losing
I freaked out and got all hysterical and then uncontrollably beat myself until my friend stopped me
she gets very worried about me when I beat myself or cut myself with a knife (although I have done it only once since I started living with her unlike family times when I used to do it every week to cope with fear and abuse)
so, my question is: how do I make myself feel better if I mustn't hurt myself? sometimes it is things I don't want her to know so I can't always tell it out