Dal: "I try to stay out of sickbay, because that shit's boring π"
exocrinous
joined 9 months ago
This is false, Phlox spoils Porthos. The only reason Porthos is sad to be in the care of Phlox is that it means daddy's gone
You should acknowledge covid as a concern more often. It'll give you brain damage if you get it.
I don't know your story and I don't know if your parent has a diagnosis. But those "victims of NPD" support groups? 90% of the people in them do not have a parent with a diagnosis. 90% of those people heard that narc*****st is a synonym for abuser, have judged correctly that their parents are abusive, and have concluded incorrectly that their parents have NPD. American pop psychology has a decades long tradition of publishing self help books that say we are all surrounded by narc*****sts, every abusive person in our lives is a narc*****st, and that the root of all evil is people with a mental disorder.
You know why that is? Because telling people their problems are caused by a vulnerable minority that can't defend itself is a great way to get money and influence. That's how Hitler took over Germany. He said "I know you're all upset by our nation's poverty, and you know whose fault it is? The Jews!" That's the playbook modern politicians are using with the idea of abusive trans people. There is such a thing as abusive trans people, I've met plenty of them. But there's no link between those two traits, there's just abusers in every demographic. Same with NPD. The fact that Zuckerberg is evil and Jewish doesn't mean Jews are evil. Same with NPD.
The issue here is propaganda. People have been propagandized, and those 90% who are clinging onto a myth because it makes their trauma make sense, are dangerous. We need to use the same tactics to defend pwNPD that we use to defend trans people and Jewish people.
Lack of empathy isn't abuse. Empathy is a private, personal feeling. Other people's feelings are not abuse. Neurotypical society encourages a toxic dynamic where you must feel certain ways about other people in your own head, or you are a so-called abuser. A person who is not feeling affective empathy is perfectly capable of cognitive empathy and of practicing ethics and morality. Affective empathy is a feeling. Cognitive empathy is knowledge. Ethics and morality are theories and behaviours. And I can report from my own experiences and those of other people living with NPD, that the reason we have lower empathy on average is that we can choose whether to have empathy. We are perfectly capable of feeling the feelings of others, but we can also block that feeling when it's irrelevant. We can feel and understand others' feelings in order to develop our sense of ethics, but we can turn it off when it's a hindrance. If a man is drunk and shouting at me for being trans, I don't want to feel empathy for his hatred of me. I turn my empathy off. If I'm talking to a woman who had a miscarriage, I can turn my empathy off while still showing sympathy. I know miscarriages are bad, I know how horrible they feel, I just don't want to also feel that way. The neurotypical demand that everyone feel empathy at all is unreasonable. Neurotypicals say "People with NPD don't choose to suffer when I feel bad. That's abuse". I disagree. And I don't believe neurotypicals feel empathy at all times either. Their empathy shuts off when it's important. pwNPD just have more control, do it more often. There's nothing wrong with that. Hyperempathy is a symptom associated with disorders like BPD and sometimes even NPD, and it's a lot worse than selective empathy. People with hyperempathy can't function when someone is upset. They sometimes end up covering over and ignoring conflicts and being unable to resolve them because it hurts too much to think about a problem. That's toxic. Yes, selective empathy can be used to inflict harm with fewer consequences, but so can a kitchen knife, and people who cook are not evil abusers. Nor are people living with NPD. And if lack of empathy made us abusers, then people with autism would be as well. They are not, and we are not.
That's my response to the first link you showed. As you can see, I've thought a whole lot about this topic and have very strong feelings. From my point of view, this is someone saying "Your private thoughts are different from other people's. That's abuse!" You can see why this triggers me. I think it's best now if I calm down, rather than discussing all the links you posted. You are free to discuss what I've said, and if I'm calm enough I'll try to answer. I'd like to convince you of my point of view, at least with empathy. I am not sure I have the wherewithal to discuss everything you've linked.
My parents were abusive, and I never developed the part of my brain that feels inherent self love and worth. I got a personality disorder. And I had the right genetics and environment to get NPD out of that abuse instead of another personality disorder like BPD or ASPD. That means my fake self-esteem comes from grandiose self ideas instead of defining myself by another person or by rejecting society utterly like those other disorders.
This wasn't a problem until I entered young adulthood. Over a period of about a year, I came to terms with my NPD. And then I proceeded to suffer many years of abuse for my disorder. It started before I ever knew the disorder, when society told me narc****sts were evil abusers. My exploration of my disorder started as a fear. I thought it was paranoia at first. But no, my worst fears were true, I had childhood trauma and genetic bad luck, and that combination made me what society considers the worst thing a person can be. According to someone in this thread, we're basically the same as pedophiles.
I never abused anyone. Never manipulated anyone. I know it says exploitative behaviour is a criterion in the DSM, but first off the DSM is full of bad information on personality disorders, and second you don't have to have any of the "bad" criteria to quality for the disorder. I'm haughty, pompous. I dream of greatness. I'm easily hurt when I fail or when I'm threatened. Quick to anger, but only in self defence. I can turn my empathy off at will. According to hundreds of people I have met, that makes me a born abuser. A monster.
Someone doesn't even have to know I have NPD to sense it. For some reason, a lot of people take someone else's big ego, even if it's a private affair, as a personal attack. I'm not even allowed to think highly of myself, because according to some people that's inequality and fascism. And yet if I don't, then I don't fundamentally feel that I'm worthy of love. I don't think I deserve to live. It's trauma. It's a disorder.
I'm the only person I've ever hurt with my NPD. But the vilification by others has done far worse to me. They demand humility. If I'm not humble, they say I deserve to die. If I am humble, I think I deserve to die.
And here comes OP, saying my pain is right. That I do deserve to feel upset by how many people don't believe in support for "monsters" like me. And yet with such an inoffensive, kind post, everyone has to change the subject to supposed abuses I am responsible for, just for having my brain the way it is.
I respond with the anger borne of the trauma of a lifetime of abuse from society. And that anger is justified. I do not speak with violence, I do not attack, but I am, privately, angry.
If I'm an experienced D&D player, will I need to worry about knowing how to build a class? I didn't have any problems understanding KOTOR's character creation, and I actually prefer Mass Effect 1's combat and levelling over 2. I love crpgs.
One of my parents is a woman. And she was an abusive woman. But do I hate women? No. That's because I understand that my personal experiences aren't always indicative of the state of the larger world. Now, you probably think the idea of hating women because of an abusive woman parent is ridiculous, and you're right. It's ridiculous because you and I have met many women, and we know that most women aren't abusive. I have also met many people living with NPD, and that's why I know thinking people who suffer from NPD are abusive is ridiculous. But if you've never been to an NPD support group, you probably haven't met a lot of pwNPD, and you probably don't have the directly experienced perspective to instinctively understand what I do. Which is why it's important for everyone to understand the limits of our own experience.
Just the idea of being called narcissistic is offensive.
Yes, I've been called a nar*******t and it was deeply offensive. It reminds me of the times I got called a re***d, or a sp**g, or a fa***t, or a tr***y. Half of those other slurs are also spins on the name of a mental disorder.
getting defensive instead of attempting to communicate your thoughts through arguments while attempting to understand otherβs perspectives.
Marginalised, oppressed people are not responsible for empathising with our oppressors. While doing so can often be helpful to our causes, it should never be considered a requirement, and it should certainly never be called out by majorities demanding that we do it in order to earn respect. It's impossible to dehumanise, attack, and villify someone for how they were born, and then reasonably expect them to be civil, polite, and empathetic. Some of us, like myself, are polite and empathetic, and we do take the time to understand how our oppressors feel. But we are the exception, and there's a very compelling reason why that is.
Assassin's Creed 1 and 2. I've also heard good things about Morrowind but haven't played it.
OP you are awesome and you've gotta be fuming over all the people in this thread saying a mental disorder causes abuse and doing exactly the mean behaviour you complained about. I say let's get them to say what they mean in direct terms and report them for it. The terrible behaviour in this thread doesn't belong on Beehaw or anywhere else.
That was to save his life, wasn't it?