Mental Health

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Standing up for myself, inside my mind, getting back at those that previously hurt me (piefed.blahaj.zone)

submitted 2 days ago by akunohana@piefed.blahaj.zone to c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world

6 comments fedilink hide all child comments

CW: fictional revenge violence and homicide, real bullying and violence

I've been keeping a cognitive journal for about two years, which has been great. Immensely helpful, but how and why, is another story. Today, I would like to share, that I have decided to try to write down the names of those that have hurt me during my childhood and whose aggressions and violations have left permanent scars on my psyche.

Not during their very acts of aggression, not during the aftermath, not ever have I allowed myself to talk back to them or to be angry with them. I have only ever given up, letting them physically and verbally abuse me in the hopes that they get tired of doing it, or I have run away. No more.

Pathetic, maybe, but I'm going to try this. I have established and written down two categories: "kill" and "hurt". In the kill category, I am going to write down the names of those whom I want to - or would have wanted to (can somebody please untangle the time aspect of this, psychologically?) - kill. In the hurt category, I am going to write down the names of those that I merely want to suffer. I am going to be descriptive, verbose and follow my feelings all the way.

At least until it makes me sick, or the likes, because I'm a kind, naive, weak person who couldn't hurt a f*cking fly under normal circumstances.

Has anybody here done anything similar? Share your thoughts if you feel like it! 💝

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[–] strawberry_enjoyer42@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Yeah, you're not to blame for the abuse you've suffered. I'm bot sure how to phrase this... I'm glad you liked my comment? I'm glad that it provided at least some emotional comfort of some sort, and perhaps some delight <3

Also you live in such an awesome place if they're gonna pay for hormones, wigs, voice training, etc. I lowkey want to move there now lol. Where I live, the government basically won't pay for any of it :/

Yeah, not doxing oneself while also participating socially online is very difficult. Hence, I have no proper name on here. Hmm... folks could call me Strawby, Berry, Joy, 42, or maybe other things. I'll have to think about this.

Oh, and don't worry; I think Fëanor is a total jerk. I cannot forgive the kinslaying.