Autism

Eye contact is particularly interesting to me because it was one of the first things I was ever self-conscious about. My parents never told me I was autistic, though in retrospect, they definitely knew. Anyway, I remember thinking something was wrong with me around late elementary school/early middle school because I couldn't keep eye contact. I would try but would feel too weird at the time. It was like I would get dizzy, take off to another dimension, and completely miss anything that happened while I was maintaining eye contact. Sometimes, it was so apparent that I was having difficulty in the moment, that other people would notice something was going on with me. I didn't know what it was and was confused as to how others forced themselves to maintain eye contact so intensely and easily.

I asked a trusted teacher about it one time. She looked pretty concerned and suggested that I look at people's eyebrows when I talked to them. I tried it, but that didn't feel right either. What I ended up doing is socializing with people that were okay with me looking off to the side during conversations. Later on when in college and taking classes on communication, I remember they would say that eye contact was an essential listening skill. During these classes, we would have role plays in front of the class to practice conversational skills. I would get stressed whenever these role plays would come up because I knew that it was either (a) I maintain eye contact and not hear the message while I feel intimately violated or (b) I hear the message with impressive recollection but then get criticized for looking disinterested.

• What do you think is the underlying difference that causes autistic people to use less eye contact than others?

The best I can come up with is that I'm hyper sensitive to some sensory inputs, and eye contact it one of them. Eye contact to me is like establishing a direct line from my mind to someone else's. I feel too much empathy, that it overrides how I am feeling. Vice versa, I feel that the person can feel too much of me, and that is too vulnerable.

• What does it feel like for you?

For me, it depends. If it's someone I trust very well or am romantically involved with, then I engage in eye contact because it's super awesome being connected at such an intimate level.

If it's someone I know and am friendly with, then I use purposeful short glances to see how they're feeling, especially in moments when they are sharing something that I find their feelings to be important information. If they are sharing something intimate or emotionally difficult, for example a difficult moment that they are experiencing, then I may maintain eye contact a little more until I feel I have a sufficient understanding. It's like the eyes are the confirmation of or filling in the missing information of what they are saying.

If it's someone I don't know, I will barely make any eye contact if at all. Instead, I will look at their mouth. This is especially helpful if there is too much noise because it allows me to lipread. It also gives more information on their emotional disposition than looking at their eyebrows. If I'm too close to them that looking at their mouth would make them uncomfortable, I look off to the sides. I probably come off as completely disinterested, which I am not, but that's better than eye contact with a stranger.

• How do you interpret other people’s eye contact?

Again, it depends on our relationship. With strangers and acquaintances, it feels completely invasive like they can see the inside of my mind. As a thought exercise, if the options were either to be completely naked or maintain eye contact, I would choose to be completely naked. In some cases, I will turn around enough so that they can't make proper eye contact, or become so uninteresting or disinterested that they stop. With closer friends, I have no problem if they keep it limited and they don't expect it from me. With intimate relationships, I expect it. If they don't engage in it, then I think something is up with them or the relationship.

Does anyone else relate to this?