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what would be the best way to tell your supervisor to stop inquiring about your personal life and mobbing you into opening up? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by sarah2653@lemmy.ml to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

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my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I'm an introvert. She feels insulted if I don't share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.

I wrote mobbing because that's what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don't want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she'll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.

She doesn't understand I need time alone to unwind.

She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.

I simply cannot win. It's tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.

It makes me want to quit.

I don't know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who's not a teamplayer and use it against me.

Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I've been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don't seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn't mean disrespect, but simply that I don't care about it.

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[–] magnetosphere@fedia.io 39 points 2 months ago (2 children)

When I saw the title, my first reaction was to talk it out and explain your feelings to her. Once I read the rest, though, I changed my mind.

This is shaming and bullying. Sex is also a huge no-no. A supervisor should know better. HR is probably your best option.

I know that for years it’s been popular to say things like “HR exists to protect the company, not you.” In many cases, that’s still true. However, companies (and society in general) have become more sympathetic to issues like yours. They’d rather discipline people like her than deal with the multimillion dollar settlements that people like her cause.

[–] owenfromcanada@lemmy.world 25 points 2 months ago (1 children)

HR does exist to protect the company, but sometimes that aligns with your needs. In this case, HR is likely more interested in avoiding a sexual harassment case (which would cost the company), so they're probably going to hear you out.

[–] Bongles@lemm.ee 2 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Right, HR is there to protect the company. Your manager is (almost always) not the company. So if the manager is doing something fucky, that's what HR is for.

[–] lunarul@lemmy.world 1 points 2 months ago

Exactly. As the mandatory sexual harassment and money laundering trainings have taught me repeatedly, if the company knows about it and doesn't do anything, they're equally liable (and in many cases even if they don't know about it). So stopping inappropriate behavior is in their interest.

[–] SeaJ@lemm.ee 16 points 2 months ago

One note: document everything brought up to HR. If it is a small HR department, they could very well be friends with the supervisor and take their side. HR does indeed exist to protect the company but it is also made up of people (often extroverted ones). Documenting everything can help you out if there is any sort of retaliation. A threat of a lawsuit is absolutely something that can make a company be very apologetic and much more generous. I have had several friends that made sure they documented everything and were given six months severance when there was a possibility of a lawsuit.