this post was submitted on 13 May 2024
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Unpopular Opinion

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(Content warning, discussions of SA and misogyny, mods I might mention politics a bit but I hope this can be taken outside the context of politics and understood as a discussion of basic human decency)

We all know how awful Reddit was when a user mentioned their gender. Immediate harassment, DMs, etc. It's probably improved over the years? But still awful.

Until recently, Lemmy was the most progressive and supportive of basic human dignity of communities I had ever followed. I have always known this was a majority male platform, but I have been relatively pleased to see that positive expressions of masculinity have won out.

All of that changed with the recent "bear vs man" debacle. I saw women get shouted down just for expressing their stories of being sexually abused, repeatedly harassed, dogpiled, and brigaded with downvotes. Some of them held their ground, for which I am proud of them, but others I saw driven to delete their entire accounts, presumably not to return.

And I get it. The bear thing is controversial; we can all agree on this. But that should never have resulted in this level of toxicity!

I am hoping by making this post I can kind of bring awareness to this weakness, so that we can learn and grow as a community. We need to hold one another accountable for this, or the gender gap on this site is just going to get worse.

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[–] DreamlandLividity@lemmy.world 0 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (3 children)

Here's my take: the bear thing is causing such a visceral reaction that it is very hard to take a step back, not take it personally and have a rational discussion about it.

Imo the bear thing was phrased in a way to cause that visceral reaction. It was intended to be antagonistic. If the same point was phrased the way you phrased it above, I want to believe we would have much more civil discussion about it. But instead, the posts put many male readers on the defensive and those that tried to explain were seen as defending this antagonistic stance.

That is no excuse for DM harassment or harassment on other posts, just my take on the reason the discussion turned so uncivil.

[–] ZeroGravitas@lemm.ee 2 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Yeah, it was ragebait alright. Then again, if it were phrased in a reasonable manner, would we be talking this much about it? If the objective was to kick-start a conversation, it did the job 110%

[–] DreamlandLividity@lemmy.world 1 points 6 months ago

A conversation yes, just not a productive one. It may have done more damage than good, since many people now associate this issue with the ragebait and don't take it seriously.

[–] JayDee@lemmy.ml 1 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

I don't think it's the phrasing. You would need an entirely different question to not elicit the response we saw. It wasn't that the question that was asked that angered people, it was that women consistently chose the bear. this question would have been a nothing burger otherwise. At the same time, though, the question was pitched because the author already knew what the answer would be. They understood how frequently unknown men pose a threat to women.

What this response from many men the shows is that most dudes are still not ready to talk about just how much more dangerous the world is for women at a baseline measurement - quite explicitly because of predatory dudes.

[–] DreamlandLividity@lemmy.world 0 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

Look at the comment from ZeroGravitas. Even if you insist on asking the question which I don't see why, just prefacing it with what he wrote would completely transform what it was. The issue may not even be the question but the lack of context/explanation before sharing it.

[–] JayDee@lemmy.ml 2 points 6 months ago

I read his comment, and I disagree that it was explicitly ragebait. It was making a point attempting to bring women's safety to the forefront of discussion (it succeeded but enflamed too much to be useful).

[–] NightAuthor@lemmy.world 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

So what is the bear thing? I’ve seen reference to it a couple of times… I get the gist, but like what’s the source?

[–] starelfsc2@sh.itjust.works 0 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Just a post of someone saying they'd rather be stuck in the middle of the woods with a bear rather than with an unknown man, been posted lots of places not just lemmy.

[–] okamiueru@lemmy.world 0 points 6 months ago (2 children)

I'm confused. How is that controversial, and how are people taking it personally?

The first one is just an expression of biases that their experiences have resulted in. As for the second one, I'm clueless. Maybe if you feel like the main character in every situation, they'd be offended because the man in reference is then, and as such not unknown?

[–] beardown@lemm.ee 1 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

How would you feel if the hypothetical was asking if you'd rather encounter a bear or a Muslim?

What about a bear or a person who is black?

Or a bear vs an immigrant?

See the issue?

Also, when we dehumanize or other an entire sex (which is what we're doing here) who do you think suffers the most irl from that dehumanization?

Because it isn't rich white men in gated suburban communities. It's the black and brown men who are already viewed as inherently harmful and are disproportionately violently victimized by police and the state.

If we want more George Floyds then we should keep spreading memes like this. Because this contributes to the mindset that allows us to view men of color as inherently dangerous superpredators

[–] okamiueru@lemmy.world 1 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

I'm going to take all your questions at face value, and assume it's all good faith.

How would you feel if the hypothetical was asking if you'd rather encounter a bear or a Muslim?

My emotions are not that fickle. I also don't see an inherent problem with questions, nor this one in particular. It would be stupid of me to assume you mean something more specific than what you've stated. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, and ask to clarify constraints.

What about a bear or a person who is black?

Same thing here. You realise that what we'd be exploring is the concept of, and awareness of, potential biases and prejudices? And, more importantly, the prevalence of experiences that lead to such biases?

Or a bear vs an immigrant?

Oh, this one is clear cut. Immigrants are the fucking worst.

(jk)

See the issue?

Nope. I don't. You should re-evaluate the purpose of having conversations and discussing hypotheticals.

Also, when we dehumanize or other an entire sex (which is what we're doing here) who do you think suffers the most irl from that dehumanization?

Is that what you think we're doing here? If so, then we arrived at what the misunderstanding is. Which is a good thing. Or, it is if you give a shit about understanding the argument, and less about making your own. The latter is of course fine, but, on its own.

Because it isn't rich white men in gated suburban communities. It's the black and brown men who are already viewed as inherently harmful and are disproportionately violently victimized by police and the state.

If we want more George Floyds then we should keep spreading memes like this. Because this contributes to the mindset that allows us to view men of color as inherently dangerous superpredators

Not related or relevant here. Not saying it isn't important, but, as mentioned. If you want to make your own arguments or discuss other things, that's fine. Probably effective to start your own thread for that.

[–] Celnert@discuss.tchncs.de 1 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

If I had to guess I'd say because "an unknown man" can be intepreted as "an average man" which obviously is going to hit a lot of people.

The actual statistics of man vs bear is not really the point through, and a large number people did not get that. It's just that the question was phrased (intentionally or unintentionally) in a way that lends itself to this comparison.

[–] okamiueru@lemmy.world 1 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Thanks. In other words just not understanding basic words and statistics?

In this case, unknown/random sample != average of samples. Being alone in the woods, and encountering a bear, is arguably more dangerous than the average male human. Most bears that aren't grizzlies will happily leave you alone, which I hope is also the case with the average man. If you are unlucky with which person you encounter, the dangers can be much worse.

Probably Bayesian elements here too, where the end result is "what is riskier", with an implicit assumption of "meeting a bear" = unlikely, "meeting a man" = likely (relatively). In any case, not listening to the emotional takeaway from shitty experiences, is, ironically, a very male stereotype.