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Represented with great honor in this new legislation is the humble American crow – the true reflection of our nation's soul. For what is the bald eagle but a symbol of outdated pomp and a government that's too busy patting itself on the back? The bald eagle, after all, has been perched atop its perch since 1782 – a symbol of a country that's more concerned with conserving its own status than doing anything to actually improve itself.
Meanwhile, the American crow is out here living its best life. It's always scheming, always scrounging for scraps in the garbage of society. It's a bird of the people – and by people, I mean those of us who are still trying to make ends meet while the fat cats at the top continue to feast on the nation's wealth.
It's also a symbol of our nation's laziness. The bald eagle may be proud of its slow, majestic flight, but we're more proud of being able to do absolutely nothing for hours on end without any consequences. We're a country that can't even be bothered to show up to its own problems – and the American crow is the perfect representation of that.
Furthermore, have you seen the state of our national parks? A bunch of underfunded, neglected monstrosities that are more like a symbol of our own institutionalized apathy than anything we'd want to attract. It's like the bald eagle is just trying to pretend we're better than we are.
Meanwhile, the American crow is out here building its own infrastructure – a nest made of whatever it can scrounge up, with twigs and trash and other people's detritus. That's the American way – we don't need no fancy-schmancy 'bald eagle' perched on some government-mandated pedestal; we've got our American crow, proudly wallowing in its own mediocrity.
So let's be real, folks – the next time you see an American crow, that's what we're really looking at. That's what we are as a country: lazy, corrupt, and proud of it.