Linux

I've got one friend who uses mint, but I've also seen memes dunking on it so who knows. I actually really only know what I've seen from you all shitposting in other communities

Every distro gets shit on in memes, because each distro does things its own way that some don't agree with. As a new user, most of that doesn't matter much, the biggest changes between distros are how stuff works in the background. What matters more is your choice of Desktop Environment (DE). Essentially "the coat of paint on top". Most distros offer a couple different options when downloading the ISO, or when installing it.

I'd reccomend starting out by trying GNOME and KDE Plasma (if they're easily available for your distro), with GNOME being slightly more macOS-like, and KDE being somewhat similar in feel to Windows. Those are "the big two" DEs, but there's plenty of other options available if you don't like them.

As for distros, whatever works for you is the option you should go with. There's only two distros I recommend against using, Ubuntu (/ close derivatives) and Manjaro. Ubuntu is becoming extremely corporate, going against the "spirit" of a Linux distro. There's "Ubuntu Pro", a subscription for security updates, and "snap", an "alternative to" flatpak that forces you on Ubuntu managed repositories, along with many other issues. Manjaro is often marketed as "an easy Arch-based distro", but is in fact only very loosely derived from Arch. This combined with Manjaro team's inability to maintain the distro properly, causes nothing but issues.

As for every other distro, if it's being updated, and it works for you, then it's a great option. Because that second one is very personal, there is no "single best Linux distro". I would personally suggest to check out Mint and Fedora, those are often great options.

As someone else mentioned, with a "new laptop", hardware compatibility may be an issue. Most distros allow you to try them off the USB before installing, that's probably a good idea.