Greentext

Look, I'm an autistic fuck who can barely speak to people, but even I've never considered coughing up blood as a conversation starter.

This guy who was a *lot bigger than me

10/10 game

The Nickelodeon show makes so much more sense now

I was out with my friends once in my early twenties, drunk at the limit between "flying high on wings of booze" and "incoherent mass of sick and confusion."

There was this girl who kept catching my eye every time I saw her out and about, and this time she happened to be at the same dive as us. I finally decided to try talking to her, so I kinda' awkwardly accosted her at the bar and I think I started pulling my "over-the-top intellectual" bit for a laugh.

Somehow, it worked! We kept chatting (she was buzzed but significantly more sober than I was), we kept laughing, then she asked me to accompany her on an ATM trip after a while. Now, I'd completely lost my capacity for reading between the lines at this point, so I just took it as a generic action. About midway through the trip, she started pulling in very close to me, my current guess being that she had intended to try smooching. My drunk brain thought "oh, she must be feeling the drag, we need to keep her blood pumping." So I called a race, last one to the ATM is a rotten egg.

Again, surprisingly, she was into it! I could hear her giggling as I was pulling away. I was running like a madman, I could feel my legs moving by themselves. I was a beast, a high-performance machine, a force of nature! Almost started congratulating myself for being such an irresistible hunk, when suddenly I could feel the curb grabbing my left foot. I plunged forward, but luckily my stage fighting reflexes kicked in and I completely unexpectedly started doing landing rolls. I literally rolled the rest of the way to the ATM - about 4-5 meters, not kidding, I'd picked up some serious speed while galloping like a horse on coke. She won and was laughing her ass off, the alcohol inside me had been angered and my brain was oatmeal.

I don't remember many details after that. What I will say, though, is that it worked! Also, that I never again tried wooing or racing anyone while drunk.

Putting on big muscles is for the boys, real girls don't actually like it.

When I was like 10 I remember reading advice in a body building magazine that has stuck with me ever since:

"Don't try to pick up girls, literally or figuratively, at the gym. Women don't feel sexy when they're sweating unless they're already naked."

I never tried to impress women at the gym when I was single. I go to the gym to focus on self improvement. I do not like talking to other people when I’m there. I do not like looking at other people when I’m there. I also know that women at the gym mostly loathe men trying to pick them up there. So basically if you’re at the gym you’re a dude to me. And if you’re a dude don’t talk to me.

Gets noticed in the gym and complaining still sheeeshhh

In high school I had a crush on this girl who had something on her Facebook about really liking gummy worms. I read that, thought "this is my in" so I bought a bag of gummy worms. Honestly, not a bad plan. Next time I saw her, I pulled out my bag of gummy worms and ate a couple.

Did I offer her a gummy worm? No. I was under the impression that she'd see me eating them and say "hey, you like gummy worms too?" And then we'd start chatting and [something] and then we'd start going out.

Charlie's got a touch of the consumption.

The correct assumption when you see frank red blood on exertion is either lung injury/infection/cancer or terminal alcoholism. It's usually the later.

We really are a unique animal aren’t we?

Wow, it took until their second sentence before they demonstrated how completely unhinged they are.