Selfhosted

I despise Docker Desktop. Before I knew anything about docker or containers, all I knew was that it was in the required software list for my work for building our software. All I knew was that if it wasn't open, my build would fail and if it was open, my laptop would slow down to a crawl.

Eventually I took classes on Docker for work and learned quite a bit about it. I learned that I could use docker from command line with no UI, and I wouldn't take anywhere near the performance hit. I eventually linked my IDE docker runtime to podman running on WSL2. Now I take pretty much no noticable performance hit.

TL;DR: you can replace Docker Desktop with WSL2 command line commands and have no UI.

Wsl2 and podman.

Far from a nice overall experience compared to using docker on a real OS, but the best I could get on windows

First, it's not possible to use "pure docker" on Windows. Docker is for running additional user mode environments under the same kernel. You can't run Linux applications under the Windows kernel without WSL1, and WSL1's Linux implementation does not support the features required for Docker. This is also possible in limited cases with Windows Server, but because of differences in the way Windows works you almost always end up running a second kernel.

WSL2 can be used to run Docker, and in fact that's how Docker Desktop works since years ago. When you start Docker Desktop it starts a WSL2 distribution under which the containers run. Running Docker from the command line only will not positively change the performance of your containers.

Running other virtualization software, especially VirtualBox, to start a separate Linux VM and running your containers in there is going to be more complicated and give worse performance unless you disable all virtualization-based features of Windows, such as WSL2 and security isolation.

The solution to your memory problem is most likely one of the following:

1. Don't disable the pagefile. Windows uses a weird memory model where all virtual memory must be backed by physical memory. Certain software will allocate virtual memory without using it, and Windows will require that the sum of the physical memory size and the page file size be adequate to use all of that virtual memory. Disabling the pagefile or limiting it to small sizes because you "have enough RAM" will cause out of memory errors while you still have plenty of RAM available.
2. Reduce the amount of memory that Docker is allowed to use to a level that your Windows software can tolerate. You may need to switch Docker Desktop to Hyper-V mode for this option to be available, which isn't an option if you're on Windows Home, and this may reduce compatibility.
3. After stopping your containers, run echo 1 > /proc/sys/vm/compact_memory at a WSL2 prompt or wsl -u root -- bash -c 'echo 1 > /proc/sys/vm/compact_memory' from a Windows prompt. See Memory Reclaim in the Windows Subsystem for Linux 2 for details about what this does.

If you don't need UI, I prefer Podman. Rancher Desktop is good though.

When I had Windows I ran WSL2 + standard Linux docker, worked flawlessly. If you have all your files in the WSL volume, it's also really fast compared to Docker Desktop on Windows or Mac. I found it almost as fast as a native Linux version.