Fetus

Which is the non ethically terrible company in that list?

I understood maybe half of that paragraph, but LibreELEC exists if you have a Pi already.

No Pi? OSMC Vero is a Pi-like device in that regard. It doesn't have a middle finger thumbnail, but I'm sure something could be figured out.

Or just get a second-hand mini PC that's a few years old for like a hundred bucks and set it up to do whatever you want.

All of these devices would be standalone, so I'm not sure what you mean by putting the client on every TV. If you want to do a server / client type thing, I'd go for Jellyfin. The client for Jellyfin is already available on most smart TVs, but I don't condone the use of "smart" features built into TVs. All of the abovementioned devices will have a Jellyfin client available as well. For the server, you can use your existing laptop or PC, or cobble something together / pick up another mini PC to act as the server.

I'll make you feel it.

I'm envious.

Green is not a creative colour.

Ground water.

Roof flashings could be made of lead as well.

This reminds me of the cover of All Hope is Gone by Slipknot.

I know USB drives work well enough for most people, but I had never-ending issues when I was first trying to set up my media server. All of my problems went away once I connected my drives internally. Well, not all of my problems, just my hard drive related ones. :)

What is the brand / model of the mini PC you're using?

If you aren't using both of the NVME slots, you can get an adapter to clip into those slots that has SATA ports on it. I'm using a SilverStone ECS07, I've also used a smaller one from IO Crest to give me two SATA ports on an SBC based media server that I was running for eight or so years before outgrowing it.

If you have 2x SATA SSD connections available, you should be able to connect 2.5 inch SATA HDDs to them without problems. 3.5 inch drives need 12 volt and 5 volt, whereas 2.5 inch drives get away with only needing 5V. It's likely that your mini PC hasn't ever thought about powering extra drives, so you may need to sort out a power supply for the extra drives. I have a tiny little power supply that I harvested out of an mITX case many years ago that I use to power the drives, and the power supply for the mini PC just powers the mini PC.

Can't help in regards to using Amazon, but some of the Lenovo Minis have an m.2 slot on the underside, as well as the 2.5 drive in the top. I think the M920q and some others have two m.2 slots.

If you want maximum jank, you can split the m.2 into 5 SATA ports, then leave the bottom panel off and to connect to drives in your drive bay. That's what I've done. You'll need a separate power supply for the drives, though.