NoStressyJessie

It’s the night before I take my next E shot and all day it’s been hard for me to regulate my emotions, but is such a wide gamut of emotions.

There was a lot today, but what broke me was my kid decided to clean the bathroom with my new exfoliating sponge. I was frustrated. I threw it away and went outside to come to grips. When I came back in I took them out of the shower and we had a nice little talk about it, respecting other people’s things, respecting other people’s feelings, talking about your feelings so other people can understand how you’re feeling and help you.

My SO said I handled it perfect, and I’m glad I did, but it was a struggle.

I’m hoping I can even out a bit more in the future, but if these are the prices I pay, I’m fine with it.

My SO and I had a talk, they’re seeing good things, they see I’m happy, coming out of my shell, unsaid to feel and be, made me feel good.

They don’t know I started HRT yet, but I’m sure they know something is up.

We’ve talked about me on HRT so it won’t be a big deal breaker or anything, there’s just been so much going on and so much external stress, I’m worried to add to it.

Anyone else have any inputs or experience in this? How did y’all handle the emotional aspect of things?

Edit: I told them

Since my last post I got my HRT 4 days earlier than I expected. Based on my last post you probably might've expected me to hem and haw about it. Myself I was gonna wait until the middle of the week for my first dose, but I couldn't contain myself. I took my first dose as soon as I could, like literally. I felt great the next day, and that carried over every day since then. I feel like I'm finally running at the speed and intensity I was supposed to. I have no idea if it's placebo at this point, or if my body is finally coming into tune with my mind, but it's been a crazy experience!

Today I had my partner pat me on the butt and call me a princess, and for the first time I felt a little bit of jiggle. I was washed over with a sense of euphoria, it was amazing, and I feel incredibly lucky.

Before I started hormones, I started working on this excercise routine and it's been great. I never wanted to exercise before because the jocky muscle boys would only tell me how to be like them, or how to build it all up to Goliath proportions that made me recoil, but finally seeing a routine and body that I wanted to achieve really changed the game for me. I cut out almost all of my empty drink calories and it was EFFORTLESS, I want to clean myself, I want to shave down, I want to sculpt my body. I thought I was just lazy. I never realized it wasn't the effort that was the problem, it was the goal.

Who knew it would be almost impossible to motivate yourself to become something you never wanted or resonated with in the first place(?) because it seriously never occurred to me what my problem was!

I wish so bad for a childhood I didn't have to hide in, I wish someone would've been able to tell me, I wish I wouldn't have felt forced to run away at 16, I wish I wouldn't have had to hide from myself.

To get to the root of it, I wish I had been born a woman, so I didn't have to live in denial and self repression for almost 26 years of my adult life just to end up back here again facing problems that could've been non existent.

We do not get that luxury...

I spent so much of my adult life trying to reclaim a fucked childhood with nostalgia that I reached the end of that road and found myself still empty. There was still some inner child that never got it's catharsis. I dove into alcohol and drugs, and at the end of that road I had killed all my dopamine from cocaine and couldn't be happy with anything anymore.

I was literally a husk of a person at Disney World trying to feel alive by being the first person in line for the Guardians of the Galaxy roller coaster, the epitome of a burnt out consumer looking for any escape that could be granted to me from the loving corporate overlords.

I was still empty.

Well, I don't feel empty anymore.

I feel a lot of things, but an empty soul-less husk isn't one of them.

If you made it here, I love you, you are worth it, and it's all going to eventually be okay, even if okay isn't where you are right now, or where you see yourself any time soon.

It's not just a platitude, your heart is a muscle the size of your fist, keep on loving, keep on fighting, and hold on, just hold on for dear life!

First, sorry if this breaks the rules. I just needed to vent, feel free to delete.

I’m laying here at night worrying. I’ve had some euphoric moments today, and some dysphoric moments, and I’m worried I’m making a big mistake.

I’ve painted my toes and Shaved my legs, and they look great, I love my legs, but then I look back up and see this gross fat bald dude.

I never thought I had gender dysphoria, just the regular “Haha, I hate myself” because of my gut, face hair, body hair, hips, butt.

I have spent months seriously thinking about My gender identity in the lens of self acceptance, and flood gates just open. Shaving my legs and arms in middle school, never being comfortable without a shirt on, little things I guess. I could always excuse those away, because I used to excuse my dream state persona as “lol brains weird”.

I’m thinking back on some of my experiences, and it just seems like I was willfully ignorant, or just didn’t have the words to describe the feelings let alone the emotional intelligence to name them and understand them.

There was a time I was looking for any acceptance from anyone, and I fell into hooking up with older men. I was feeling sexy and made a comment about it and this guy straight up slapped me down. It hurt, I was angry, I didn’t know why. I didn’t know that my mental image was so far off, and it hurt when someone told me. I buried that of course.

Lots of buried emotions, buried memories.

All of that is enough.

The other sense of joy and euphoria I got today was a confirmation that I will be able to start HRT in about a week if I want to, I got that email today and was ECSTATIC, but then comes in more doubt. Am I just rushing things along? What if I’m just lying to myself. Let’s say I start HRT and after three months I call it quits? No harm trying, right? Better than sitting here in another ten years wondering why I kept kicking the can down the road. What if I’m not really trans, what if it’s Just….. I dunno, I don’t even have any diversions or excuses.

Would a cis person have even gotten to this point?

So many questions, so many anxieties, so many red flags in hindsight.

I’m trying to go back to sleep, I used to think it was just depression, but I love my dreams. I’ve exercised my lucid dreaming enough over the years that I can do anything, go anywhere, but the thing I love most about my dreams is how free I am. I just am me, a switch of a bisexual woman. Sometimes I’m more passive and sometimes I’m more aggressive, but I’m always me.

Waking up is torture, I’d rather go back to sleep. There were times that I had so thoroughly disassociated from my life that the serialized dreams I had about being locked in an asylum seemed more real, more comforting. Real life just felt like a bad dream, and even though I still had a grasp on reality in my waking life, the trauma of having to live in an institution because of my delusions I was a man living a miserable life in a dead end ‘unskilled’ job in bum Fuck Midwestern land was a lot, still is a lot.

Sometimes I’m not sure if that was more traumatic, or trying to be the husband I was always told I was supposed to be was more traumatic.

At that time I was drinking 18 12 oz cans of the cheapest strongest beer they sold a day within a six hour span, listening to old records and crying every night about something I couldn’t even tell what it was and was intentionally never going to remember in the morning.

Then I’d go to sleep…

I hope that girl is doing okay today.

TL;DR I have HRT available to me in the next weeks, and I’m excited and nervous, I can’t shut off my mind, and while I know that if I were to offer estrogen to any of my male friends they wouldn’t even think twice about turning it down, I’m sitting here excited and giddy but trying to talk myself down that maybe I’m not really trans enough, but logically I understand cisgendered males don’t agonize over This and never would’ve gotten to this point of the discussion.

Thanks for coming to my TED stream-of-consciousness infodump ❤️