Transfem

TW: (perceived?) Transphobia

So. I had a shit day yesterday. Doomscrolling my home page on YouTube and found a short. I commented on the author, cuz he seems like he thinks hes some kind of parasocial psychology expert or something, cuz I thought I could give my perspective on my recent transition journey and be met with intelligent discourse.

All I was met with is some variation of "poor wife" or "you aren't telling the whole story." Then the invasion of the shitheels that have been spouting transphobic nonsense here.

Tried to take a bath today to reset my brain. (I get baths now. It's kinda like meditation for me.) I didn't have any tops I felt comfortable wearing, so I went to the thrift store and found.... Nothing.

"How does this relate to the title?" you find yourself asking. Well, if you remember, I made a post the other day about seeing my mom. About thinking it went well.

I asked today if at some point in the future, she would help me learn makeup and nails and whatever.

I think you're confusing with me loving you and accepting this. I'm not supporting this decision

What The Fuck.

The one other person I thought I could go to for help, other than my ex, and I get rejected, again?

I just feel so isolated. I have no female role models to try to help me be myself, no trusted women in my life. Tried going on nextdoor and introducing myself in a gay group, cuz I wanted to try to be involved with my local LGBT group, and was met with "okay, but are you gay?" Even tho I laid out I was trans in my intro post. I guess it was gay in the guys looking for guys sense, not a homosexual support/ friend network like I thought.

I've got an appointment with my social worker (mental health) on the seventh, but this week has got me so fucked up.

I don't want my kids to help me, and I don't know why. I guess it's just my parental mental block, that I'm supposed to take care of them, not the other way around? I just wanted a woman I love and support to love and support me. To learn from the masters haha. I guess I gotta watch YouTube tutorials and ask strangers for fashion advice I guess? Instead of getting personal care from people I thought cared?

Come help me make our flag and show that we're here 💖

Who got a new analog polyphonic synth?! This bish! 😁 🤘

Yes I'm using a really bad photo cause this is what I see 80% of the time I look I'm the mirror, alsp boymoding cause I need more clothes. Keep in mind ive been on hrt for a year and 6 months

I feel like I need to get this off my chest...

I started transitioning 5 years ago and at this point, I 100% pass, except for voice and a very slight beard shadow (that for some reason no one but me notices).

I feel completely scared about Lesbian spaces, and Cis women in particular. The few times I went out there (which was in the first 2 years of my transition), I've had horrible experiences.

It ranges from a few agonizing glances you get occasionally, up to outright comments about "this is a women only space btw".

I've also often noticed how cis lesbians seem to treat me differently when it comes to romantical and sexual interest. The moment it's revealed that I'm trans, things seem to shift. "Oh, I've never tried this", "oh, that's interesting, kinda", quite often there's the question about bottom surgery ("this might be a bit intimate to ask, but..."), and sometimes even outright ghosting or immediate disinterest.

I feel like this is the last, and yet hardest mountain to climb, to the point where I just feel too frustrated to even try, accepting the fact that, well... I will probably always remain a trans woman, and won't fit in to those societies that I so heavily relate to when I can keep my pseudonimity.

And yeah, T4T is a thing, it's pretty much the only thing I got going at this point...

Can anyone relate? Has anyone managed to overcome this hurdle?

Hi I'm Elise. I like nature and gardening, art and drawing, mathematics and programming, and most of all I love nice people and encounters.

A minor detail about me: I've come out of the closet half a year ago and am still transitioning socially and hunting for that gender dysphoria stamp. You'll know the drill.

I have a 16 yo daughter/friend/sis from a previous relationship and she's helped me to understand so much more about lgbtqia over the years. And two years ago exciting things started happening. Her generation is amazing.

A good friend of mine has been supporting me on my journey. For example we went to a club together where I wore female clothing. She mentioned she hadn't seen me so relaxed before. There are moments where I get slingshotted into my body, you know what I am saying?

It's all just a scientific experiment isn't it? With hypothesis and measurements. A discovery and not a choice.

There have been people supporting me, people forming obstacles, insults, compliments, misunderstandings and confusion, inspiration and lots of makeup, doubt and occasional returns to the silent death, panty hoses and immorally short dresses, trust and disgust, eyes of love and of hate. Life and all that fuss.

So now I'm playing roots of pacha and waiting for bees in my new garden.

Sister - cook something healthy for yourself today. On this small dot what have you got?

When I talk to myself, sometimes I call myself my dead name, or my gender I don't associate myself with. I am self-aware enough to know I've associated myself as male and [name] for thirty-seven years, but it annoys me I haven't made that connection in my brain somewhere that yes, I'm a girl, my name is Eshe. I feel it in my soul, so why is my brain being such an ass?

It’s the night before I take my next E shot and all day it’s been hard for me to regulate my emotions, but is such a wide gamut of emotions.

There was a lot today, but what broke me was my kid decided to clean the bathroom with my new exfoliating sponge. I was frustrated. I threw it away and went outside to come to grips. When I came back in I took them out of the shower and we had a nice little talk about it, respecting other people’s things, respecting other people’s feelings, talking about your feelings so other people can understand how you’re feeling and help you.

My SO said I handled it perfect, and I’m glad I did, but it was a struggle.

I’m hoping I can even out a bit more in the future, but if these are the prices I pay, I’m fine with it.

My SO and I had a talk, they’re seeing good things, they see I’m happy, coming out of my shell, unsaid to feel and be, made me feel good.

They don’t know I started HRT yet, but I’m sure they know something is up.

We’ve talked about me on HRT so it won’t be a big deal breaker or anything, there’s just been so much going on and so much external stress, I’m worried to add to it.

Anyone else have any inputs or experience in this? How did y’all handle the emotional aspect of things?

Edit: I told them

She wanted to see me on her lunch break. I was nervous. I warned her I would be in girlmode, and, to be honest, ladies, I don't think I have a boymode any more.

I feel like it went really well. The first thing she did was cry and hug me, telling me I've been through so much. We talked about the subsect of Christians that only have hate. We talked about how I came to this decision. About the kids. About what the next steps forward is. She wanted to really impress on me that she loves me, through and through.

Sometimes, it really is all in your head. Sometimes, I know it isn't. Regardless, you are loved. I wish to formally extend my support and love to whoever needs it. Don't forget, this community, it's for us. We can try to be the support network you need, if you feel like you have no one else to turn to. You all have been so wonderful to me, helping with my questions as I come to terms with myself. Don't be like I used to be, just lurking, afraid to ask. This is our safe space. There are no stupid questions. I love y'all.

Since my last post I got my HRT 4 days earlier than I expected. Based on my last post you probably might've expected me to hem and haw about it. Myself I was gonna wait until the middle of the week for my first dose, but I couldn't contain myself. I took my first dose as soon as I could, like literally. I felt great the next day, and that carried over every day since then. I feel like I'm finally running at the speed and intensity I was supposed to. I have no idea if it's placebo at this point, or if my body is finally coming into tune with my mind, but it's been a crazy experience!

Today I had my partner pat me on the butt and call me a princess, and for the first time I felt a little bit of jiggle. I was washed over with a sense of euphoria, it was amazing, and I feel incredibly lucky.

Before I started hormones, I started working on this excercise routine and it's been great. I never wanted to exercise before because the jocky muscle boys would only tell me how to be like them, or how to build it all up to Goliath proportions that made me recoil, but finally seeing a routine and body that I wanted to achieve really changed the game for me. I cut out almost all of my empty drink calories and it was EFFORTLESS, I want to clean myself, I want to shave down, I want to sculpt my body. I thought I was just lazy. I never realized it wasn't the effort that was the problem, it was the goal.

Who knew it would be almost impossible to motivate yourself to become something you never wanted or resonated with in the first place(?) because it seriously never occurred to me what my problem was!

I wish so bad for a childhood I didn't have to hide in, I wish someone would've been able to tell me, I wish I wouldn't have felt forced to run away at 16, I wish I wouldn't have had to hide from myself.

To get to the root of it, I wish I had been born a woman, so I didn't have to live in denial and self repression for almost 26 years of my adult life just to end up back here again facing problems that could've been non existent.

We do not get that luxury...

I spent so much of my adult life trying to reclaim a fucked childhood with nostalgia that I reached the end of that road and found myself still empty. There was still some inner child that never got it's catharsis. I dove into alcohol and drugs, and at the end of that road I had killed all my dopamine from cocaine and couldn't be happy with anything anymore.

I was literally a husk of a person at Disney World trying to feel alive by being the first person in line for the Guardians of the Galaxy roller coaster, the epitome of a burnt out consumer looking for any escape that could be granted to me from the loving corporate overlords.

I was still empty.

Well, I don't feel empty anymore.

I feel a lot of things, but an empty soul-less husk isn't one of them.

If you made it here, I love you, you are worth it, and it's all going to eventually be okay, even if okay isn't where you are right now, or where you see yourself any time soon.

It's not just a platitude, your heart is a muscle the size of your fist, keep on loving, keep on fighting, and hold on, just hold on for dear life!

Hi, I'm gonna reintroduce myself, first. I went by VirulentAura, and have been kinda active this past week posting, if anyone actually cares. I decided to change it up, cuz I was tired of lemmy.world being down, and, I dunno, I wanted to use my name. Preface aside, please be advised that the content may be troubling to some. It's kinda a vent, but I need to talk to someone. I need to get it off my chest.

She hates me. She says I'm trying to turn her into a lesbian, and she wants to leave me. Honestly, if she isn't into boobs and vagina, and I want boobs and a vagina, that kinda makes a bit of an impasse, ya? But why does she hate me for it? I get she feels like I lied to her, but I've been lying to myself too! I'm throwing seventeen years away because of the "choices" I've made, but she is choosing to leave me?

My son, 16, asked me yesterday why she accepts them, and not me. I told her today, she needs to talk to them, that she can't let her hatred for me stand in the way of our parenting, that they need to be the most important thing on her mind. I was met with an emphatic "leave me the fuck alone," ad verbatim. I want her to succeed. She wants to take the truck and leave, and ask my conservative Christian mother to borrow a vehicle until I get one of my own.

She has been talking about wanting a camper, her own space, to pick up and go wherever she wants. I've offered to try to help, we bunk in different rooms until we get into a position where she can leave and live her best life, and am met with hearty "go fuck yourself."

I feel like I need to open back up Facebook, to do damage control. I haven't had a FB account in years, but I don't know what hate she is spewing to her family, and I don't want them to make my life miserable.

Part of me wishes I never ate from the tree of knowledge. You can't unlearn this mindfuck. It was easier on my psyche to think I was an ugly guy, than a woman who looked like I was an ugly guy.

She said she would never find me attractive, even if I didn't have bottom surgery, even before she decided to leave. I described a hypothetical situation in five years where I would try to initiate, would she be into that? She would consummate the marriage, but no. That's not attractive.

The other day, before all this shit went down, I went to go get me some clothes, and the clothes I want to wear and my body are so mismatched, I couldn't get anything 😭. I tried dying my hair blonde, but my genetics are so fucked up I can't do anything with this super dark hair. I wanted to feel pretty after a shitty day of feeling like I was uninvited to my nephews party on the grounds I'm trans, and arguing with her about weather a penis makes a good spouse. I just wanted her to tell me I'm pretty. I have a pretty soul, apparently, but, no, she can't find me physically attractive.

I'm not gonna be her hag.

I'm not gonna be in a relationship where I'm gonna dress down and try to be as pretty as possible for her, and can't even get a "nice ass." I've always tried to lift her up, through all her own body issues, after three kids, after her becoming so sedentary and gaining sixty pounds, after me being genuinely worried about talking about her health, because I didn't want to hurt her, she can't even lie to me and tell me I'm pretty. I can't live in that.

I want her to be happy. I want us both to be happy. Why doesn't she want me to be happy?

Ever since I came out to my wife and kids, and started being myself, my personality has changed, a lot. I'm more extroverted, weirdly enough. I've been a bit sharper with the kids, not in a mean way, but, more of a no-nonsense kinda way. I used to walk around the house naked all the time, but now I feel compelled to cover up. I blame a disconnect with my body on that one.

I feel more confident to just, go up and talk to people, ask if I can take their picture. I can make posts without second-guessing myself and deleting them.

I know it's all just me finally getting in touch with myself, but it feels weird, even to me. I used to be this demure, quiet, self conscious girl, but now that I'm letting her out, she refuses to go back into the box. It's like a seal was broken. I'm having anxiety about going to my nephews birthday party, cuz I'm not out to that part of my family, and most of them are fundamental Christians.

I did manage to talk to one of my brothers today, and he accepts me, though he has some bias. Basically told me if it was anyone else, he wouldn't be so willing. So I have some work to do there. Or not, if I can't help him see people as people.

Remember, everyone, not just the trans community: You are loved. You are valid. It's okay for you to be you.

I'm fairly new to all of this. I started questioning 3-4 weeks ago and feel like I'm kind of figuring some things out in my mind, but also like I'm at a roadblock or a fork in the road. I feel like to see where I need/want to go next, I need to explore, but I don't know how. I've heard about playing a game or whatever online and use a different identity, but it'd be hard to cram another game in enough for that to feel useful. I could try on some clothes, but that feels so limited in what it tells me. I'm sure it could be related to the fact that over time I have been convincing myself there's not boy/girl clothes, they're just fabric anyone can buy. (I think some of this came to be when my first child was conceived and we specifically avoided gendering kids things) Maybe I'm just looking for a way to get confirmation about what I think I'm feeling?

When you were discovering yourself, what did your journey look like? What do I do? Do you have any advice?

I'm open (and less panicked) about the ideas of some identity possibilities, but still when I think deeply, "how do I really feel about myself?" I just feel kind of empty, or a void. Any advice or guidance at all would be super helpful and much appreciated!

🩵🩷🤍🩷🩵

Left is my 31st birthday, -22 months HRT, flew a Cessna around and then doublefisted some margaritas. Ask me what happened to my fingers, I dare you! (I have pictures...)

Right is when we saw Orville Peck, 5 days before my 2 year HRT anniversary.

First, sorry if this breaks the rules. I just needed to vent, feel free to delete.

I’m laying here at night worrying. I’ve had some euphoric moments today, and some dysphoric moments, and I’m worried I’m making a big mistake.

I’ve painted my toes and Shaved my legs, and they look great, I love my legs, but then I look back up and see this gross fat bald dude.

I never thought I had gender dysphoria, just the regular “Haha, I hate myself” because of my gut, face hair, body hair, hips, butt.

I have spent months seriously thinking about My gender identity in the lens of self acceptance, and flood gates just open. Shaving my legs and arms in middle school, never being comfortable without a shirt on, little things I guess. I could always excuse those away, because I used to excuse my dream state persona as “lol brains weird”.

I’m thinking back on some of my experiences, and it just seems like I was willfully ignorant, or just didn’t have the words to describe the feelings let alone the emotional intelligence to name them and understand them.

There was a time I was looking for any acceptance from anyone, and I fell into hooking up with older men. I was feeling sexy and made a comment about it and this guy straight up slapped me down. It hurt, I was angry, I didn’t know why. I didn’t know that my mental image was so far off, and it hurt when someone told me. I buried that of course.

Lots of buried emotions, buried memories.

All of that is enough.

The other sense of joy and euphoria I got today was a confirmation that I will be able to start HRT in about a week if I want to, I got that email today and was ECSTATIC, but then comes in more doubt. Am I just rushing things along? What if I’m just lying to myself. Let’s say I start HRT and after three months I call it quits? No harm trying, right? Better than sitting here in another ten years wondering why I kept kicking the can down the road. What if I’m not really trans, what if it’s Just….. I dunno, I don’t even have any diversions or excuses.

Would a cis person have even gotten to this point?

So many questions, so many anxieties, so many red flags in hindsight.

I’m trying to go back to sleep, I used to think it was just depression, but I love my dreams. I’ve exercised my lucid dreaming enough over the years that I can do anything, go anywhere, but the thing I love most about my dreams is how free I am. I just am me, a switch of a bisexual woman. Sometimes I’m more passive and sometimes I’m more aggressive, but I’m always me.

Waking up is torture, I’d rather go back to sleep. There were times that I had so thoroughly disassociated from my life that the serialized dreams I had about being locked in an asylum seemed more real, more comforting. Real life just felt like a bad dream, and even though I still had a grasp on reality in my waking life, the trauma of having to live in an institution because of my delusions I was a man living a miserable life in a dead end ‘unskilled’ job in bum Fuck Midwestern land was a lot, still is a lot.

Sometimes I’m not sure if that was more traumatic, or trying to be the husband I was always told I was supposed to be was more traumatic.

At that time I was drinking 18 12 oz cans of the cheapest strongest beer they sold a day within a six hour span, listening to old records and crying every night about something I couldn’t even tell what it was and was intentionally never going to remember in the morning.

Then I’d go to sleep…

I hope that girl is doing okay today.

TL;DR I have HRT available to me in the next weeks, and I’m excited and nervous, I can’t shut off my mind, and while I know that if I were to offer estrogen to any of my male friends they wouldn’t even think twice about turning it down, I’m sitting here excited and giddy but trying to talk myself down that maybe I’m not really trans enough, but logically I understand cisgendered males don’t agonize over This and never would’ve gotten to this point of the discussion.

Thanks for coming to my TED stream-of-consciousness infodump ❤️

Trigger warning: dysphoria, if it isn't obvious.

It's kinda fucked up, amirite? I feel like a couple of people tried to get me down today, and I stood up for myself. And it felt good! I've been waiting 37 years to be me, to be the bad bitch I always wanted to be, always being so demure, so quiet, so... Passive. But since I came out I've felt this energy, this confidence I've never had before. I even went to, and through the grocery store in full girlmode! Yoga pants hugging my excellent buttocks and all. (It's the one thing everyone complemented me on when I thought I was a guy) Nobody batted an eye, even found a cool dude promoting love and positivity

(I thought I got a good picture, but I didn't T_T. Imagine a 75 year old dude that rode his bike to Walmart, just... holding a sign saying "You're Loved." The coolest of cats.)

And then... My brain has been unloading every intimate detail of my childhood; being 7, and told I can't take a bath with my 4yo cousin cuz she's a girl, and I'm a boy, and you just don't do that. Boys don't play with Barbies. The hair growing all over my body at puberty. I've always called myself "wolf man" from all the hair.

I cried for 15 minutes yesterday because I had the realization that my mom will never put my hair up, just cuz I asked my wife to help me fix my hair while she was watching me play video games.

I cried for 10 minutes today after shaving my right arm, and seeing how pretty it actually is under the hair. And then my wife got upset cuz I told her I was gonna slow down, but then I cought sight of my ugly, hairy man-hands and needed to fix that right now, and shaved my arms this morning. Thinking back on that is making me feel really dysphoric. I just want to be like you (her).

I'm sorry for the vent. I just needed to clear my head. And I'm so sorry if I trigger anyone or ruin their day. I just needed to lament on what is probably a common experience.

Since starting my questioning journey, I feel like some of sexual orientation labels make less sense. I like girls (a lot apparently). I have always liked girls. Therefore as amab I am straight, I realize one day in the future "fuck it, I'm transitioning" and then I'm not longer straight. It honestly would make a lot more sense to use words like gynophilic or androphilic to describe more of what you're attracted to instead of how your attraction relates to you

Probably too in my head about it or something. I don't mean any disrespect in anyway. I'm just in a long unexpected journey of self reflection and used to view those a little more concretely.

Also, if I ever do get to a point of feeling like I should transition, I'm definitely coming out as a lesbian first and try to let them work backwards. It could be funny. Maybe it could ease the conversation along?

I'm rambling now, this started as (I thought) a kind of funny thought, then got too serious and I'll shut up now.

I’m so excited to be leaving Texas finally!! I’ve lived here my whole life and just got a really exciting job in the Northeastern US. My partner (who is also trans) and I are so pumped to be out of here. Manifesting everyone else who’s living in a dangerous area can get the opportunity to leave like I have. Here’s hoping the background check clears (I don’t see why it wouldn’t, I don’t have anything notable in my history beyond being chronically gay :p)

Hi, girls! I have been wanting to make a post for a few days, and just need to get some things off my chest. I think I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum, and it's kinda hard getting my thoughts into a coherent order, but I'm gonna try.

Three days ago, I officially started my journey. I thought I was gonna start with crossdressing and go from there, but I'm fooling myself. I came out to my wife and children, which was both easy and hard.

Easy, because two of my children are NB and transgender.

Hard, because first, being yourself is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and second, my wife has always described herself as straight.

She has been extremely supportive. She's letting me wear some of her leggings that don't fit her any more, but fit me comfortably, and in ways I'd almost like. (It hugs my butt really well, but I don't have hips)

She's given me tips for shaving my legs, and has offered to help me learn how to do makeup and my nails, but she is struggling.

And it's a lot, for both of us. I love shaving my legs. I hate shaving my chest and face. And I think I realized, as I shaved my chest for the first time, I hate shaving my face, and now my chest, cuz it's in my way from looking as girly as I want. I hate shaving my face and chest because I have to to present as feminine, but I like shaving my legs because I get to and it makes me feel feminine. Gotta say tho, I (mostly) love the results from shaving my chest and belly. It feels really good(except for the stubble on my chest/breasts)

I've doven headlong into my transgender journey. Shaving my legs, butt, and chest. Wearing women's clothes at least in the yard of our apartment, kinda in public. I do throw jeans over my leggings when I go to the store and the like, cuz I'm still not completely socially out yet, but we are moving soon, and I feel like, maybe, in a new place, I can girlmode all the time? I don't have to worry about my conservative parents or siblings causing me hell because Jerry saw me at Walmart, and it getting back to mom when she goes to church.

I've also been looking for packing underwear and breast plates or breast forms, but I like doing my shopping in person. It's different seeing a picture on the screen and looking at it in person, even if it is through packaging.

I am worried though. My brain is screaming it wants female hormones. I hate all this body hair. I want full breasts of my own, not ones I have to wear. But I've read my sexuality my change. I don't want that. I love her very, very much. And, please don't hate on her, but the one thing she doesn't want me to get rid of is my penis, which is fine by me. I like sex. I like sex with her. But if I start hormones, there is a very real possibility that the sexual dynamic will change. I've read penetrative sex could be uncomfortable, as your sensitivity and the thickness of your skin changes. But! Getting rid of random erections sounds so great! But! If you don't "exercise" your organ, it could atrophy, possibly becoming nigh useless.

All this is a lot. I'm scared. I'm excited. My wife says that this is the happiest she has ever seen me. Ever. In our nearly twenty years of relationship, nearly 18 years of marriage.

Anyways, thanks for coming to my TED Talk. -VA

TL;DR: I'm transing my gender, and I'm scared and excited

Last week I read the gender dysphoria bible and after a few days thinking about it I am coming to accept that I am trans. Everything clicked into place and I feel like I've been electrified. My mindset is completely different and I am actively looking forward to things happening in my life. I want to come out and transition eventually but right now I just want to try wearing different clothes, even if it's just in my room. I'm going to buy some thigh socks since I've always wanted to wear them but I'm 5'10" and my thighs are kind of big so I'm not sure if I can just buy any pair since cis women are usually smaller. Does anyone know any good quality socks I could buy online that ship in discrete packaging?

I'm sure I'm not alone in having cravings that seem to come out of nowhere and never really get satisfied. What are some cravings you all get and what seems to satisfy them best?

I found Mt Olive sells jugs of pickle juice and a shot seems to help at night. Or in the afternoon. I just had one.

It’s me. 3.5 years HRT, post op, thriving

Hi, if my user account did not give it away, I am going to be using this as a throwaway.

So a little about me. I am an AMAB, i quite frankly don't know the proper ettiqute for being in an internet community so please forgive me for any mistakes. I am still exploring things but only have a general idea about everything.

I have lived most of my life in India and it has been a pretty good one so far. I honestly can't pinpoint one moment where I definitely wanted to be a girl, but the strongest I have ever felt was when I prayed desparately as a 14 yr old to be changed into a girl. I was bullied for being a little feminine according to my peers by being called trans which was still treated as a slur at that time.

Aside from that, trans people are still not accepted by atleast my immediate community, even those I know of are ostracized, even my own family is against them. I don't even know what gender dysphoria even feels like so once again I am confused.

If I have to answer honestly, I would love to be a girl if I could restart my life from scratch. I often dreamed of exchanging lives with a girl. But I do not hate my genitals and I don't hate being a guy, so I am a litte confused. So is just a fantasy or am I trans? Can someone please guide me in the right direction.

Also a little nervous/afraid.

Edit: it's too small 😭