aeki

So much self-monitoring is exhausting. Worse because I think I genuinely go overboard if I don't monitor.

I'm lucky that I've made friends where we literally send essays to each other and don't even have any expectations of a time limit for answering. I probably achieved this by "being annoying" and the friends (who also happen to be autistic for the most part), self-selected.

I moved countries as an adult. Never had culture shock because I never felt part of my country of origin so there was not much difference.

Logseq has worked best for me and my ADHD so far.

Now that I think about it, I had to tweak some settings for HZD according to some guide, but I don't remember exactly what I did. After that, it worked quite well. Perhaps it wasn't 60 fps but 40? For me that was good enough.

It could still depend on standards. For example people seem to say Rimworld is great on the Deck but I absolutely disagree.

Tried Hollow Knight for the first time on the Deck, it works so well!

I'm not even specially good at gaming but I thought Hornet (a Hollow Knight boss) was quite enjoyable and not that hard and I wonder if it has to do with the Deck controls, since everyone has mentioned how difficult that one is (I did find all other bosses very difficult so this is not a boast).

Psychiatrists and psychologist do different things. I benefit greatly from both rather than any of them separately.

This does sound like burnout, especially if lately is more than a couple of weeks. I'm sorry you're going through this. But I'd absolutely recommend against pushing yourself. As I've painfully learned, none of this will get better by doing more, but by doing less, and you have to learn how to do less because it's hard.

And you need help, some mental health professional that knows how to work with autistic patients. If not, there's a risk people will give you productivity advice and this can be counterproductive and dangerous.

You might need meds. I did.

I pushed myself through several burn outs until my brain stopped working (I couldn't think, my place could be burning and I wouldn't have even tried to escape. My brain didn't work). If it wasn't for my partner I could have died.

But this happened at the end of many "small" burnouts that I pushed through. Each burnout made the next one worse.

The reason I pushed through was because like you, it felt like I was not able to stop without losing too much. For me, this ended up with long term consequences.

I would absolutely recommend finding a way to slow down, even if it costs. If you burn out completely your brain will simply force you to slow down. This cost is higher than you can imagine. Achieving my goals has definitely taken longer than if I had found a way to slow down by myself.

If you absolutely are unable to slow down at work (for example if you live in a country without sick leave where you can get fired anytime and your parents are truly awful), then you need to do less on your spare time. No productivity, no forcing yourself through hobbies, no trying to regulate or mask.

Do anything that takes no effort or expectations. Don't try to regulate your time off, take naps as needed. Exercise is good, but you have to do it without goals or strict schedules. Keep yourself hydrated and fed. Take all the help if available, even if it feels temporarily less independent.

It feels like giving up, you'll get FOMO, you'll feel isolated and less independent, it sucks. You'll wonder why it's not getting better faster. But if your brain can recover a little, you will start slowly gravitating to some of the things you like. Even then, take it slowly and without expectations.

since they can barely do it to people.

Ah that old autistic = no empathy myth, haven't seen anyone in the wild believing in it.

I get it, I find shopping extremely overwhelming, I can never find what I need, and not much fits. This is also why I use mostly thrift stores or online stores. But it sucks when you need something that won't ship in time, I'm just lucky I haven't needed specific clothes on short notice.

My partner has needed a couple of good t-shirts since his are either threadbare or shrunk, and you would think this is an easy request. Even the online stores only had things with a terrible fit and bad fabric.

For me, I just get an additional urgency, like, if they block these things more and more I may as well download as much as I can while I still can. As a side effect I'm also passively seeding more.

In a way i can see why you think you're lucky as you will suffer less in these terrible times, but damn, there are so many things I want to do in life that I'll run out of time before I run out of things.

I am also a millenial and have a decent non-shitty job, but I'd drop that in a second if I didn't need it. It takes such a chunk of my life.

Logseq is the only note taking system that has clicked with me, by lowering the mental overhead at the time of adding notes. I just throw it in there without any considerations while still feeling like it's not going to get lost. Later I may revisit the day's journal and add tags or connect other information, move a block into its own page, etc.