canadianchik

I hate being in pain, everyone does haha. So I sound like a hypocrite. I feel ready for a relationship, or atleast thought I did but now that it’s over I’m just broken all over again. That was the first feeling of readiness I had in years. I always love more than I receive and I think that’s what fucks me up in the end

but it’s so hard cuz when I get hurt that makes me feel less worthy. It’s so hard like fuck. I know deep down I don’t deserve this stuff but it just happens to me. It’s like my brains used to this pain that it even mentally prepares me for the worst beforehand. I never believe I can have something good for a long time without me fucking ruining it or whatever

I did for a bit and then stopped. I will try to continue with that. It did feel good

It’s so hard to believe my own self worth when I’m always in repeated pain from people. I try so hard man, I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of giving people so much of my energy. I won’t blame myself for everything because I know most of what I did isn’t wrong but I did involve myself I guess in situations where things can go wrong but I never wanted that.

Yea I’m assuming that’s what it is to be honest. I forget so much but I know I went through much u know. It sucks so much. I’m not sure about neuro divergence but I’m going to look more into it. I’m scared I won’t be able to get over it. I don’t want to live in fear from the ones who are suppose to love me and vice versa. I can’t even maintain eye contact properly with people anymore and I feel like I’m always sorry or saying sorry to people and it’s so draining to me. I just want a break. Like I wanna be gone but not in that way. Just like gone from everything

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You know, I never blame my parents for anything that they caused me to be or experience. I know it’s their first time living life, they won’t be perfect and we all live once. We all make mistakes and I forgive my father for everything he’s done to me. I grew up to disappoint him I guess so we would get into plenty of arguments (physical, verbal, etc) and it never was good. We wouldn’t talk for months and close to a year at one point and that is what really destroyed me inside. Feeling abandoned in a way. Feeling abandoned but living in the same house? Maybe I’m crazy but that’s how it felt. We are good now, we did have a fight not long ago where some rude things were said but I brushed it off and we talked not long after. But I think what haunts me is that I don’t think I can talk to him normally / look at him in the eyes for a long time without feeling fear. It saddens me. I did sign up for psychotherapy and I believe my first meeting (I think a call) is in may. I’m worried I won’t know where to begin or what to say. I tend to forget so much about my past.

I’m not sure :/ I guess I like to draw and paint but I’m not the best at it.

That’s true. Me myself & I i guess

Thanks for this. I do enjoy being alone I do but it’s so hard to distract myself sometimes when I’m alone the motivation isn’t there and I want to bed rot. I spiral in my own thoughts and it’s so hard to channel it out. I have lowkey been feeling like this for so fucking long, it was starting to get better but now it’s just downhill. I’m trying to work through it but I can’t even talk to my own family because they don’t believe in anything mental health wise. I’ve been told to shut up during panic attacks and I never been comforted the way I wanted to. I don’t know how to find new friends, it’s hard. I am 21 and I feel like at this age like everyone has their “set” and not much people go out to make new friends, I could be wrong

hey, thanks for your comment. I wouldn’t call him misogynistic to be honest. He has been very caring and stuff and accepting of a lot of things I’ve told him. And the whole scam thing is just sending fake nudes for money. It was only one guy and even after I sent them he never sent money so I just let him know he got sent fake nudes lol. It was never anything serious I guess u can say. It was all dumb. I know he’s not the only good thing in my life, I have my family and my school degree that I’m completing. But I won’t say he didn’t much a great impact on me because he did. He really helped me change and grow even if it was in 4.5 months. I learned a lot.

Why is it so hard to accept that? I’m in a lot of denial and just want things to go another chance again. Part of me is so confident we can make things work again but I know I have to respect his choice. U know. I know there will be others but that thought grosses me out. I’m only 21 to be 22 in 4 months and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I feel like my pain is always repeating

He hates the idea of sharing me or me receiving attention from others and I agree 100% because I feel the same way about girls giving him attentions that’s why I asked him first if he’s fine with it and he agreed. That’s why I didn’t think much of it in the beginning. I’ve been single for years, I do feel ready for a relationship and wants things to work. I’ve been trying really hard to work things out but I think it’s officially set that he wants out, gotta respect that I guess