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I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You know, I never blame my parents for anything that they caused me to be or experience. I know it’s their first time living life, they won’t be perfect and we all live once. We all make mistakes and I forgive my father for everything he’s done to me. I grew up to disappoint him I guess so we would get into plenty of arguments (physical, verbal, etc) and it never was good. We wouldn’t talk for months and close to a year at one point and that is what really destroyed me inside. Feeling abandoned in a way. Feeling abandoned but living in the same house? Maybe I’m crazy but that’s how it felt. We are good now, we did have a fight not long ago where some rude things were said but I brushed it off and we talked not long after. But I think what haunts me is that I don’t think I can talk to him normally / look at him in the eyes for a long time without feeling fear. It saddens me. I did sign up for psychotherapy and I believe my first meeting (I think a call) is in may. I’m worried I won’t know where to begin or what to say. I tend to forget so much about my past.
Forgetfulness can be tied to both PTSD and neuro divergency. The brain is a complicated thing. It certainly sounds like the trauma you experienced from your arguments and treatment from your father could be a possibility for why you are feeling this way. I am no mental health expert for sure but I have worked in emergency medicine extensively and experienced these things in my own life.
It's a tough world and the chaos that surrounds us now will weigh heavily in those with any form of mental illness or distress. Please just know you aren't alone. There are many of us out here experiencing the same things and some of us have even managed these feelings and thrived within our own lives.
Yea I’m assuming that’s what it is to be honest. I forget so much but I know I went through much u know. It sucks so much. I’m not sure about neuro divergence but I’m going to look more into it. I’m scared I won’t be able to get over it. I don’t want to live in fear from the ones who are suppose to love me and vice versa. I can’t even maintain eye contact properly with people anymore and I feel like I’m always sorry or saying sorry to people and it’s so draining to me. I just want a break. Like I wanna be gone but not in that way. Just like gone from everything
Please don't wait for the appointment. Push it. See doctors until someone takes you seriously. It's a problem in our medical system across the nation that people with mental health problems often get ignored or forced to wait because it's not seen as on par with physical medical distress. The feelings you are having and the fact you are reaching out is important. It's a sign that it's not ok for you no matter how much you try to normalize it in your own mind.
It's ok to ask for help. It's ok to be demanding for your own health benefit. No one will advocate for you except you when it comes to your health and mental well being. You can do this and it can get better. It doesn't have to be like this for you.