Damn, that's some kutnieuws.
jwt
Only one way to deal with a Gordian knot.
Yes, I think focal length and lighting are the main culprits:

Suddenly those creepy Renaissance paintings of animals make a lot more sense.

That will definitely work, but I personally think the flags are more instantly recognizable.
No visual alternatives to flags were given. (And that's because there aren't any. Flags will do just fine for 99,99% of the public)
Well, jeebus-relative timestamps, really.
Aren't the blue checks part of a subscription model?
Are you familiar with the situation in the Netherlands? Because points OP raises are not really polarizing in the Netherlands. Maybe you're for example misunderstanding the phrase 'The illegals who have zero chance to get a refugee status' because some parts got lost in translation ?

Actually, hitting someone with a nail bat should be definitive proof they're not a robot. (according to Asimov's Laws)
Come to think of it, the nail-bat-test could replace those annoying captcha's altogether!