I'm a 40-year old dude with... let's say, plenty of issues. Most of them stemming from childhood but adulthood has been equally painful so far.
I've been looking into self-help a lot lately and notice that many techniques tell you to focus on a person whom you consider an example, a role model you want to emulate.
The problem is, I don't have any. None. My own father was an abusive alcoholic who offed himself when I was 15. My mother did her best but was a neurotic wreck with many untreated mental health issues of her own. She eventually found a new partner whom I looked up to for many years since he was finally that role model I thought I needed.
But a few years ago he tried to seduce my own partner (which luckily didn't succeed), resulting in my esteem for him immediately imploding completely.
In the greater world, outside of my own little atmosphere, there aren't really any actors or business people or coworkers, bosses, teachers... that I've looked up to or ever had any kind of relationship with. Sure, there are many people I admire for whatever they may have contributed to humanity, but that doesn't mean they're some kind of shining example in every area of their lives.
I guess I'm just trying to communicate that I'm a 40-year old dude with daddy issues and I have no idea how to healthily cope with it or even fix it.
Before anyone asks, I'm on a waiting list for professional treatment. Been a month, 5 more to go (in a best case scenario).
How did others cope with this specifically? Did you have any insights in what ideas to emulate or how to handle certain difficulties in life through the lens of a mentor? Is it even desirable or is it just another crutch for the weak-minded to cope with, well, being weak-minded?
Is there literally no one who impresses you, whom you can admire?
It might be that admiration has been mixed with envy in your mind. Maybe start looking at people you don’t like, and see if you can separate them into (1) ones you think are morally bad, (2) ones you simply don’t like as a matter of taste, and (3) ones whose success threatens you.
I think that if there’s no one in the world whom you admire, the people you admire might be hiding in category 3, and the ones in category 3 may look like they belong in category 1.
If you’re having a hard time separating category 1 out to find the 3s, then as an exercise you could sort a short list of say four or five people by comparing them like “which of these two people would be more likely to be someone I admire?”
I’m also 40, and I will say that I started to more easily identify people that I admire after I joined a men’s group. Really I just had to unfreeze my heart by healing a lot of trauma, before I could start feeling positive emotions about other men, and positive emotions other than lust about women.
After a few years of going at it hard weekly, I’ve now got a much easier time admiring people. For example I told a manager at my workplace that I admire his calm demeanor when shit’s hitting the fan, and the way he gets right to the point when something is off.
Is he a superhero to me? No. But he’s got some admirable qualities, and it didn’t feel gay or pathetic or weird for me to tell him that.
Speaking of superheroes, you’re allowed to admire fictional characters too. Are there any people from fiction you really admire?
I admire Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation, for example, and Luo Ji from The Three Body Problem.