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I know you're being funny, and I appreciate the joke. 🙂 But I am so serious...alcohol-free. Not only is it less 'sketchy', but it's better for you & will result in better breath.
Ever smelled a chronic alcoholic's breath, particularly after they haven't had a drink for a while? Rancid.
It's the same with the alcohol in the mouthwash; it kills all the bacteria & flora in your mouth. Good & bad. It wipes the entire landscape clean, and unfortunately, the bad/stinky bacteria tends to be more resilient than the good bacteria. It multiplies & becomes a persistent, dominant presence. Which doesn't help your breath, even with regular brushing & tongue scraping.