"Dear Onion readers. We here at the Onion can take pride in releasing regular quality absurdist humor in the form of satire news. In recent years real life events have pushed the boundries of absurdism. We'd recently published such articles as 'Thanksgiving politics ends in nine year old comitting manslaughter' to which 3 years later would seem less of absurdism, and more of a thing that actually happened. What we're trying to say is, we would just love it if the real world could just stop being so stupid. We are trying to create dumb articles which rely on the concept of presenting a perspective that lowers the bar. How are we supposed to do that when the now president elect was seen for months spouting off the dumbest bullshit? I mean really America.....eating cats and dogs? Maybe the boomers were right. Maybe marijuanna SHOULD be illegal. With rise of legal weed, you all clearly voted while high. How are we supposed to lower the bar of intelligence, when we're limboing underground?"

This is how I'd write the next Onion article.