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I have a friend who is a legitimate badass, like "can successfully fight 5 people at the same time and win" kind of badass. Someone pulled a knife on him once and without hesitation my friend bitch slapped the dude so hard that he fell to the ground and dropped the knife. That was pretty cool.

To this day, I don’t know how I managed this one, but when I was living in Bogota, there was this guy who always tried to sell me coke. Every time I saw him, he would stop me to chat. Late one night, my friend and walk to the corner store, and this neighborhood dealer guy was at the side door of the shop with some woman.

We were all trying to buy alcohol illegally the night before an election—they have a law that they have to stop selling by like 10p or midnight the night before a federal election. Anyway, I say something to the woman, asking if they’ve seen the shopkeeper. This woman goes off about Argentinians because she thought I was Argentinian. I didn’t correct her because…what was I going to say, “no, don’t worry, I’m from the US! We’ve never meddled in your country and you’d have no reason to hate me now!” So I said nothing and started dealing with the shopkeep.

She and my drug dealer buddy—I thought we were buddies, anyway—buy their beer and step off to the side. As I talk with the shop dude, I hear her continuing to rant behind me, but I wasn’t listening. This is all over the span of a couple min, the shopkeeper constantly telling me to keep an eye out for cops between our interaction. As this is happening, the dealer dude comes up and is kinda trying to talk to me while I deal with the shopkeep through a crack in the door while also keeping a lookout for cops rolling up. Dealer dude is just kinda standing there, maybe four feet away from me. Awkwardly. Hovering, really.

I wasn’t really alarmed, but I was definitely aware of him. ‘Cause it was weird. But he was a weird ass dude. Anyway, I pay the shopkeep, hand the bag of beer to my friend, and turn around to walk away. As I turn, I’m digging one hand deep in my pocket to shove my change in there. Drug dealer guy is now kinda 3/4 behind me, but out of the corner of my eye I see him lunge at me like a fuckin Disney villain, knife raised over his head, trying to stab me like he was Jafar.

Somehow i react like a goddamn ninja, and I suddenly have both his wrists in my hands, and we’re grappling as he tries to push the knife into my goddamn neck. A few seconds of struggling, him trying to stab me and me with both of his wrists in my hands before I managed to create a little space between us, so I rear back and fuckin Sparta kick this dude square in the solar plexus. He goes flying and rocks his tailbone against the curb.

Still the coolest thing I’ve ever done to this day. Fuckin nuts in hindsight. Dude was going for a straight up kill shot.