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What to do with 4yo when we put down the cat? (fedia.io)

submitted 3 weeks ago by Maestro@fedia.io to c/parenting@lemmy.world

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I have a 14 year old Maine Coon that is terminally ill and has a few weeks at best. Our son recently turned 4 years old and loves animals. We taught him to be kind to all animals, even bugs. He is not particularly attached to the cat, but he likes it well enough (the cat is not a cuddler).

In a few weeks we'll have to go to the vet and have the cat put down. We're wondering how we should approach this with our son. Do we take him with us? Do we let him be present when the cat is put to sleep? Or make him stay in the waiting area? Or do we go when he's in school? What's appropriate for a 4 year old?

On the one hand I think that death is a part of life. And I don't mind that he sees us crying over the cat. But I also don't want to traumatize him or make it bigger than it is.

Any tips?

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[–] neomachino@lemmy.dbzer0.com 2 points 3 weeks ago

We just had to put the family dog down. She was sick for a while, and I kept my 4 year old in the loop as much as possible. Shortly after we found out she wouldn't last long we sat him down and told him she has cancer, which is a sickness and very hard to fight, and Daisy just can't fight it anymore and will die soon. He was upset, he cried, tried to cuddle with her (she hated him but tolerated him well) and was very open about his feelings which is exactly what we wanted.

When it was time he helped me dog a hole for her next to the barn, he demanded to go with her to the vet when we put her down, but opted to wait in the waiting room with a nurse which was a great call, when we brought her home I tried to get him to go inside with my wife for a few minutes so I could get some dirt on her before he helped me fill in the whole, but he was not having that. He wanted to be apart of it, he wanted to see her one last time, he wanted to throw the first bit of dirt and helped me will in the entire 4 foot deep hole. He cried, he cracked some jokes, he sat with her for a while and really processed. I told him that she'll eventually turn into soil and help the nearby plants grow, kind of like our compost, and he asked if we could plant some flowers where we buried her.

He was apart of the process through almost every step and it was always his choice. It was certainly a lot but he handled it beautifully and really did a better job at processing then me and my wife.

He brings her up in a cheerful manor, he shows people the flowers when they come over. Every once in a while he'll find one of her toys and either want to give it to our other dog or put it by her spot.

He had a hard time grasping that she wasn't coming back but I think the flower/compost thing really helped him understand.

I don't know if it was the right way to go about it, my wife disagreed with me at first and said we should do it when he's at his grandparents and have her already buried but I was very adamant that he should be apart of it. I feel like it was a good call and he told us when it was too much and he needed a break.