this post was submitted on 09 May 2026
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I always feel a bit weird if the question of "are you single by choice?" comes up, cause like, I didn't choose to be aro/ace, my brain just happens to be that way, so technically I feel like the answer is "no", but if you answer that with no I worry people will mistake that for " not single by choice because of being unlikable in some way and therefore unable to find someone despite one's efforts". But then one could also argue that I could technically still decide to look for a partner anyway despite not actually wanting one, so it would be a choice, but if you dont get to choose what you want, does it really count? And then the concept of determinism and if choices even truly exist at all enters my head and I just give up and say something like "it depends on what you mean by that."
succinctly: yes, but no
No, i only remember being asked that like once or twice, but it sticks around in my head because I'm still not sure what the "correct" answer that doesn't give a misleading impression and doesn't require a longer-than-expected explanation is.
There's no correct answer to the wrong question.
And it could change tomorrow when you run into that someone that just "clicks". Like a Van Halen song says, "How do I know when it's love? It's just something you feel together."
Van Hagar is the best lyrical Van Halen.
not sure that you were intending this, (maybe you replied to the wrong comment?) but your comment can be read in a bit of a "you'll get over this aro/ace thing when you meet the right person"
It was more a general comment than directed to them to try harder. That's like telling someone with depression to just be happier. The brain isn't that hardwired with defined states. Things change. Perhaps not as quickly as I implied in this case, but asexual and aromantic isn't an absolute for all, it's just a category of not wanting or needing.
Unless there's an expert who can tell me that no, if they're diagnosed that way they have to be that way, in which case I'd question them as an expert. The brain is complex.
Besides, can't one find a partner in life in a platonic situation and then not be single anymore in the eyes of everyone around them?
do you not think it's rude to tell someone who identifies a certain way, that they might change their mind? do you not think it's rude to act like an expert on their experiences, more than they are? do you not think it's rude to act like their opinion on themselves only has merit if science backs it up, but act like your opinion is somehow above that standard?
when someone identifies as a different sexuality, as a different gender, it's polite to give them the basic respect of acknowledging it. any of these things may change, and it's OK if it does, but it's very rude to point that out, as if they've never had that thought. it's also invalidating - consider telling a trans person they might reconsider their gender. identification along the aro or ace spectrums deserves the same respect
respectfully, i would ask that you stop commenting on this situation, and reconsider whether your advice is actually contributing positively to the conversation
Ah, I don't think that's how aro/ace works