I am M41. I have a son who is 5, almost 6. The little guy is quite sensitive and cries relatively easily:
- He hates having to wash his hands. Mom and I wash our hands right away when we come home from outside, and often after touching dirty things or before meals. He hates it. He often cries when asked to wash his hands, sometimes for 10 minutes or more. Saying "we also do it" does not help. Washing his hands for him does not help. I asked him what are the worst things about washing hands, but he could not elaborate.
- One day recently, when I took him home from daycare (it was around 16 in the afternoon), he asked me to play with him. I said: "I need to empty the dishwasher first; then I will come play with you." He broke down and cried until I finished my housework and came to play with him.
- He wants Mom to put him to sleep every night. If my wife is out and he has to go to sleep with me, he sometimes cries himself to sleep. I have not found anything I can do that helps.
Whenever he cries or is otherwise in the grip of negative emotions, I try to be as supportive as I can without encouraging it. I talk softly to him, hug him if he wants it, stay close to him if he wants it, and go away if he wants that. I try to praise him when he DOES manage to calm himself down, and NOT reward him for throwing tantrums.
When he cries he often asks to watch TV. I try to avoid letting him watch TV to calm down, but once in a while I cave in and give him TV.
All these things have always been problems, but it seems to me that these behaviours have grown worse this last half year. Do you have any advice?
Thanks in advance!
Father of three here. Sounds like a mixture of giving in to all his demands and him demanding your time and attention. So keep at it not giving in to all his whims just because he melts down.
That being said, the things you describe sound more like genuine sadness and dispar. Leaving you kid all day in daycare, they might have a genuine and relatable need for your time and attention. I understand that's the economic reality for many people, but children need their parents time and attention and at that point he has not only waited all day to see you, but is also probably tired and has no more patience left.
Putting him to sleep is about comfort for him that he knows. For a father there is a time to start doing that so he gets used to it. Have you tried bringing him to bed when your partner is home? Start together, but you read the bedtime story or whatever. Then gradually reduce your partners presence until you can go it alone. Be aware that he might actually insist you bring him to bed on days your partner is home now.
Finally with things he needs to do but doesn't want to: give him a few minutes to get himself to do it but make sure he knows there is no way around it and when his time runs out you do it anyways. Usually they prefer doing it themselves instead of being forced to do it.
Being that sensitive at that age might be a sign of more things like autism or ADHD, but much more likely its a sign of how he is used to getting what he needs which might often be attention not what the fight actually started. Try encouraging him to spell out what he needs from you and doing things independently from you.
E.g. "go wash your hands while I unload the dishes, if you are done when I'm done, we can play immediately"
Finally: TV is not the devil and if it gives you an hour to calm down yourself and have the energy to deal with him properly, that is fine. Just don't use it to calm him down or avoid confrontation.
Sounds like you have a full day and a full life. You can do it! :)