Ask Lemmy

39923 readers

1693 users here now

A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions

Rules: (interactive)

1) Be nice and; have fun

Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, toxicity and dog-whistling are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them

2) All posts must end with a '?'

This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?

3) No spam

Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.

4) NSFW is okay, within reason

Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com. NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].

5) This is not a support community.

It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions. If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.

6) No US Politics.

Please don't post about current US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world or !askusa@discuss.online

Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.

Partnered Communities:

Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu

founded 3 years ago

MODERATORS

Bluetreefrog@lemmy.world

Asudox@lemmy.world

lemmy_bot@lemmy.world

beefbaby182@lemmy.world

ModeratorCan@lemmy.world

neidu3@sh.itjust.works

asudox@lemmy.asudox.dev

candyman337@lemmy.world

candyman337@sh.itjust.works

Is it common after a breakup to lose every mutual friend you had? (lemmy.ca)

submitted 9 hours ago by rabber@lemmy.ca to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

38 comments fedilink hide all child comments

A year ago I broke up with my gf of 8 years after finding out she cheated on me and had been for a long time.

I quite literally have zero friends remaining at this point. Every single mutual friend has stayed friends with her and completely ghosted me. I can only suspect I've been slandered and that's why nobody wants anything to do with me anymore. I tried going to local shows as that was my community but it's completely sucked the fun out of things because it's a small city and there's always eyes on me from different corners of the room like I've done something wrong and I don't feel welcome anymore. So I've just stopped attending concerts which used to be my safe space. Standing by myself watching the band while people stare a hole in the side of my head isn't exactly enjoyable.

My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves, and while I know that's not reality, it's fundamentally changed the way I approach friendships. I don't open up to people anymore because I don't trust anyone anymore.

I don't think or care about my ex but the friends who ghosted me still cause daily intrusive thoughts. I don't know why I've been abandoned. No closure and no way to defend myself. I never expected how much more it hurts to lose friends than it does to lose a partner.

I miss my friends but they've proven they don't care about me so when they inevitably reach out to me there's no way I'll be able to forgive.

Probably I need to go back to therapy again but just curious if anyone has experienced similar.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] Libb@piefed.social 15 points 6 hours ago

no matter ho painful (and humbling), it's a great way to filter out friends from 'people you like spending time with'. I mean, if not a single one of them was willing to ask for your point of view on the situation, what does it say about them? Most certainly that none were a friend of yours. Friends do care about one another.

Many years ago, when I quit my 'dream' job (that came with good money and some prestige attached to it), a job I was even quite good at, my spouse and I witnessed almost all our 'dear friends' ghosting us. Suddenly, I was a nobody they had no use for. So be it. People come and go.

It helps to realize real friends are very rare: I know many people, quite a few of them I may even enjoy spending time with, but I have one friend. A single one, we've been friends for the last 40+ years and we've been through a lot of hard times together (despite each of us living in a different country, and not meeting that often), never failing the other. Someone like that is rare, very much unlike those 'people one may enjoy spending time with' that will often come and go, on a whim.

Getting rid of them is an opportunity to meet new people this time not making the same mistake: don't think all the people you enjoy are friends. Most, the very large majority, will not be. And that's fine.