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I just had a conversation about this, among other things. The thing is: we have no idea. Also I don't think Reddit-for-nerds (Lemmy) is that great of a place to ask this.
If you do get an answer, act upon it, and it works, please remember me and tell me.
Some years ago reddit was the reddit for nerds. The demographic probably has shifted more towards normies by now.
and bots
Basically you have to bond over a game, be it physical, like sports or board like regular board games or as many people mentioned here D&D. For sports, regardless of your skill level, there's a group. Beer leagues and such. Solo sports like mountain biking can work too but you have to be super consistent and really get into the sport where you have common ground.
If physical stuff is out of the question, then you have your board games. Even small towns have meetups.
The important thing is actually doing these. Friends don't just come to you and you have to be consistent. Most people don't just become friends in one or two sessions, it takes time and rapport building. And you can't always wait for others to initiate the friends part. You might have to be the one that goes "hey wanna grab some wings after this."
I've learned about myself that I cannot engage with people personally. It's never me and them. It's gotta be us and the things we're doing. Usually a game.
Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.
That's it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is "Oh, hey! I like your jacket!" Or "Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!" (as said as I'm carrying a 24 pack).
Or "Whats goin' on my brotha from anotha motha???"
I'm not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it's my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.
Except I don't really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I'm sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.
short question - do you mean Cleveland, OH, or Cleveland, TN, or Cleveland, TX, or Cleveland, GA?
Cleveland is actually located in a pocket dimension. Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and Georgia (US) have portals into the Cleveland dimension.
Fun fact: Cleveland is named so because a wizard cleaved a rift in space-time and built a city inside the cleave.
Community college. Took a few classes I never would have normally chosen like art or acting. I was a stay at home introvert who was way past college days, so I couldn't figure out how to put myself into social situations. But I do like to learn, so signed myself up for some night classes. Ended up dating a few people, made new friends, and married one of them. Night classes bring in the adults who have to work during the day, a few kids too, but I met just about every age group from young to very old. Study groups, group projects, anything that will involve working with or helping classmates, or anything that you think is interesting really. Have life long friends now because of that decision.
Go back to where you first learned how to make friends, go back to school.
I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition.
How weird, I'm going through the same exact thing as you. In my case I do have a circle of independent friends, but I've had trouble going from "friends" to "close friends". Honestly what I discovered was, that was my own doing. It's really easy to keep things on the surface with people, and not tell them what you are really struggling with.
Over the past few months I made a commitment to start being more open with my friends, and it's really opened my eyes to 1) how wonderful they are as people, and 2) how much people are willing to open up to you once you show them that you're willing to be a "trusted person".
Anyway this isn't what you asked, the way I met them was always through hobbies (music, martial arts), or friends of friends. I know you mentioned money is tight, so a hiking group or book club might be examples. You already know this, but IRL always beats online, atleast for me. Something about seeing other humans nourishes the soul in a way I can't quite understand.
Pick any hobby that have group classes and show up consistently. Can be exercise, pottery or whatever. Regulars notice each other and you'll be in the "regular" category very fast.
Then go for a beer on Fridays or after practice or whatever and then take it from there.
This sounds horrible to me, getting out there, interacting with strangers, but it is the truth. You can't just "make friends", or rather you can, but to "make" anything, a cake, a house, a friend, it takes time and effort.
That's the beauty of it, you don't have to interact with anyone and if you want to become anonymous again just pick another hobby. However, if you get interested and don't want to quit the hobby you already have stuff to discuss that you're interested in.
Ive moved around a bit as an adult. Ive found that hobby groups are great to make friends. If you show up every week and don't intentionally make anyone else feel shitty, you'll find that you have friends after a few months.
Ive done this with disc golf, ultimate frisbee, magic the gathering, dungeons and dragons.
If you show up regularly with the intention of having a good time, people will also show up with the intention of having a good time with you
i generally advise doing something and then finding people who like to do it too and then doing it with them. or you can become an alcoholic
I've made a lot of IRL friends online and at work.
If you're between jobs, consider doing something like Americorps. People of all ages do it, not just young folks, and its temporary. I think of it as summer camp for adults, but you get paid and in some cases housing.
Back in 2017 I was super into VR. IDK what the communities are like now, back then the demographics were older, but I got a big social fix from it. An oculus quest 2 or 3 is affordable. Almost all the best games are social, "face to face" talking. It's like having a public arcade in your closet.
I made the most friends back in 2011 by posting art online and commenting on other artists' things. People love chatting about their hard work. I ended up meeting loads of them in person. If you can find a space of creatives, whether it's a bluegrass club, DND, discord book club, whatever, you'll have a good time.
And, don't beat yourself up about being lonely. Life moves in cycles. Remember, it just takes meeting one extrovert to suddenly gain a crap ton of friends. Or, maybe you'll collect them one by one. Regardless, I feel you. Be well.
First thing I would do is do some work on myself. Get a job that you are comfortable with (or even like if possible), start working out and eating right, get your own place (sounds like you might be staying with your parents from the post), and do the mental work to take accountability for things you can improve on in the way you have interacted in relationships.
The last one was the hardest for me after my big break up, but it took a lot of very intentional work to realize that I had a lot to change in order to be a good partner. If you want the woman of your dreams, you need to be the kind of man who deserves her.
Do things you actually enjoy doing, the friends and other things will come naturally. Don't do things to try and make friends. Do things you like and the friends will come to you. No matter where you live you can find something you enjoy doing
Rural is difficult. Do you need to live out in the middle of nowhere? Work and kids activities (I have lots of kids) are the main ways I've met people but cities are full of many different people, in the outlying areas you may literally know everyone in town already, there aren't new people to meet.
If you are up for it, a whole new start might be good for you. Maybe apply for jobs in a nearby city?
Sooo I was kinda in your shoes a few months ago, and decided I really needed to do something about it before I lost my goddam mind. What I'm doing (and it's kinda working) is to find a community that interests you, and persistently be involved in it. I personally found a streamer on Twitch and a few Discord communities, and hang out with those people by generally just being there and having small interactions with others. We watch the same things and play the same games in voice chat. It really helps to have some sort of common activity that you can comment on and springboard your experiences or stories. You don't have to be that guy that's obnoxious and in everyone's face, just pay attention to the people in these groups and be super friendly. I've found a few acquaintances and am working on knowing them better to become friends. You'll remember names and interesting things about them, or be like me and take notes so you don't forget lmao. Eventually, they'll say "Hi <name!> It's nice to see you again. How was your day?" and then you know you're on the right track.
Socializing is hard, especially when you're not used to it and in this online era. If you're friendly and attentive, people will reflect that energy back to you, and you will form bonds. Good luck!
I had great luck with meetup.com. All kinds of groups and people, and most people are "new to the group" making things more natural. I have since developed a friend group and a SO from those gatherings and events.
Aside from meeting people at work, Ive only manually made friends twice. Once I found a hobby store that was near enough where they ran dungeons and dragons groups that were low pressure, so I was able to jump in and get taught and it was a good time!
The other was that I used reddit's "gamerpals" sub to find someone to play with. Went through maybe three clunkers and actually ended up playing with a dude that I still play with weekly and is my friend.
Do we have a gamerpals or LFG community here on Lemmy? This is a good plan and you're not the only one suggesting D&D.
We really should, Lemmy is d&d community light atm
despite the fact that everyone seems to play (or want to play) it on here.
I became the forever DM in my group, otherwise I'd run it all day
First off, feel you man. Must be rough.
About meeting new people, you could look into trips in the future with groups, a friend of mine met at least one person he keeps in touch with. Maybe there are some free/not too expensive hobbies you could engage in. Few examples: hiking, climbing, crafts In those places you're bound to meet people and if you're at least half decent, you'll engage with the people there and those might just be your future friends
I read a few and didn't see this. I'm from a smallish town and ended up adopting the community gym. Best decision of my life, saved me from a really rough time. Gymrats are far friendly than their rep gets, most of them are just guys that just wanna bullshit and push shit. A community rec center is also a great option, or a beer league. Just stuff that forces you outside, even when you pull the "but I don't wannaaaaaa"
So in the vein of no stupid questions I’m going to ask you a stupid question. It sounds like you didn’t particularly value the relationships you used to have with your “friends in law”. Do you actually want to meet people to build friendships with, or do you feel socially pressured to do so? I’m here to remind you that you’re not required. A preference for solitude is perfectly fine.
Maybe you don’t have that preference in which case others have written up some good advice, but don’t feel guilt. Maybe getting to know yourself for a while is a good thing. It’ll make any attempts at bonding with others in the future easier and more rewarding.
I appreciate this, thank you, and it's not a stupid question. A few years ago, I would have probably expressed a preference for solitude, but since 2019 or so I've been struggling with some mental health issues and I have found that being alone leads to real danger for me. Not to say it's bad for everyone, but I was unhealthy when I was alone all the time.
I've never had many friends, but I thought I had a few good ones. I think I overestimated my value to my friends, and undervalued keeping up with them outside of scheduled events and whatnot. That's on me. I also think a lot of it is that they feel awkward. She's been friends with most of them since they were children, I've known them for the last 20 years or so. It's complicated. I think if I showed up destitute on their doorstep they'd take me in, but they've notably stopped talking to me or inviting me to events, likely because they know she'll be there.
I started my own business which involves going into people's homes and fixing shit. I'm meeting a ton of new people nowdays, granted most of them are either elderly or single older women / moms.
Friendship is based on shared experiences.
So you need to find some experiences to share with people. Whether that's evening pottery classes, joining (or starting) a man's shed, joining a book club, joining a local amateur sport team, getting into a virtual TTRPG, joining a bridge club, or a chess club, or litter picking group, or bird-watching group... or something entirely different it'll work as long as you have repeated exposure to the same group of people. Unless you pick a group who are all assholes. Or if you're an asshole.
Think about something you are passionate about, it can be biking, cars, some sport, maybe some morals that you believe in, faith, cards, or really anything, as long as you feel some passion or attraction to it.
Then find events that relate to this thing (can be multiple things) usually you can find irl events in WhatsApp groups, facebook groups, meetup, etc. And just go there a few times.
I was in a similar position as you about 3 years ago, and by doing this I quickly met a lot of people, a small amount of I actually bonded with.
Having an event that at it's core has a subject that everyone shares a passion towards, really helps people bond, and it raises the chance that you will share other passions with the people there.
Crazy response coming - I’m around all the time and I actually enjoy meeting people. Living with a disability I don’t go out much except with my wife and son when we can. Other than that I don’t socialize but I would love to. So, in all sincerity, DM me anytime. Also open for video chat.
:-)
If you're willing to DM a D&D group, you can probably find people who want to play.
- Help coach a kid's sports league.
- Volunteer at the local library or senior home.
- Help clean roads / rivers / environment.
- Learn mixology and become a bartender at a local hangout.
- Pick up exercise/sports and look for others into it. Baseball, bowling, running, hunting, hiking, biking, flag football, etc.
- Tutor ESL.
There are lots of ways to connect with others without having to spend a lot of money. As long as you go in without an expectation of a specific outcome. Just go with the flow, be open to new experiences, and see what happens.