No Stupid Questions

People like him are dangerous.

For the love of God, do not directly say it to this person, speak to HR or your supervisor and tell them you are feeling harassed at work and can't do your job.

If you say anything to the man all he's going to conclude is that you are against him, and his paranoia will kick in, and he will make problems for you that you can't anticipate.

I think there are diplomatic ways for you to express your preference. You could say: “I don’t mean to be rude, but I prefer to really stay focused at work and socializing can drain my battery or distract me for a while afterward. Is it all right with you if I keep to myself for the most part?”

He’s obviously taking your behavior as a sign that he’s done something wrong, and not just your preference for how you like to be at work. He’s probably trying to fix it or improve relations with you, and this is making it worse. The standoffish behavior you’re showing him is feeding his sense that there’s a problem he needs to address with you, so take a different tack.

If I may rephrase what I’m reading: You don’t want to tell him to leave you alone because you would be upset if someone told you that.

Here’s the thing: you don’t know that will upset him. TL;DR of the rest of my post: he probably won’t take it the way you would, and I highly recommend being straightforward with him.

I suggest reading about the difference in Ask Culture vs Guess Culture. Those of us who grew up in a guess culture manage our own actions based on what we think will be acceptable to those around us and won’t even initiate something if it would be deemed inappropriate, so it’s rare we have to be told “no”. Those in ask culture will just ask and be totally fine if told no, because they haven’t already done the pre-work to figure out if their request will be approved.

One of the best lessons I’ve had in the past few years is that other people don’t respond like me. I mean, that should be obvious. But it came up in the context of being a manager at work with an underperformer. I would be devastated if my boss told me I was not doing well at my job, and so I was terrified of telling my direct report that. I communicated the gaps in her specific actions for months, but we finally got to a point where I needed to have the conversation that I didn’t think the role was the right fit for her. It was one of the hardest days in my career. And she thanked me for it!

I was so scared because I was imagining how I’d feel hearing what I was going to say. But she’s not me! And instead of being upset, she felt relief to hear someone else say it.

You’re afraid of being rude, and that shows you have compassion and care for others. But I bet you that this coworker of yours just needs to be told, and not communicating with him is actually less kind.

A quote from a favorite book series of mine is a take on our “golden rule” through an alien culture: “The Iron Rule: Treat others less powerful than you however you like. The Silver Rule: Treat others as you’d like to be treated. The Golden Rule: Treat others as they’d like to be treated.”

If you're a guy, I have found treating these interactions as mindfulness exercises is helpful. If you're a woman, he's in love with you, I'm sorry.

Bring or get some large ear covering headphones. Wear them all the time regardless of if you are listening to anything. Ignore attempts to distract. Practice and say, “sorry, focused right now” and go back to work.

No one seems to be mentioning what I suspect might be the problem here

He’s a man and you’re a woman, is this the case ? and he will NOT leave you alone. I don’t blame you for not mentioning that part, given all the bullshit that straight guys do.

If that’s the case: this is an issue for HR and when they don’t believe you, it’s an issue for a lawyer (because then they might believe you)

Buy a Subaru and a nice pair of Doc Martens.

If you're trying to salvage a work relationship and 'say the right things' I get it, but sometimes being blunt and abrupt is exactly what's needed. Something short but courteous like 'its always great catching up but I need to get to work' or even more direct like 'im sorry but I don't have time to be doing this in the mornings and these conversations are putting me behind on my work.' or if this isn't a situation where you're trying to preserve a work relationship go the abrasive route and state that you've tried to be kind but if he doesn't stop talking to you you'll be forced to go to HR. You have protections for exactly this situation if you do report to HR.

"Not now, I am busy"

"Great! I need to work now, see you around!'

You don't need to be boring - I am telling you, working woman to working woman, that is an ineffective strategy with determined guys. You need to convince him you do not have time for him in your full and interesting life.

What did he say when you directly told him to leave you alone and give you more space?

How about direct communication? Saying you don't like talking about non work related stuff at work is not rude. Saying you are not interested in a conversation right now is also not rude.

Rude would be to disregard your request and tbh I find the methods you tried quite rude.

!dull_mens_club@lemmy.world

Seems like you tried all the regular tricks in the book. Try telling your manager or HR and see if they can do something about it. You want to work and the company does alse but this guy clearly doesn't.

I dont have an answer for you sorry, but i might be able to point you somewhere you might find inspiration to find your own answer

If there is a lemmy equivalent of the subreddits maliciouscompliance, pettyrevenge, prorevenge, or nuclearrevenge or you are willing to go look at the originals, theres a lot of stories that are entertaining and will be a mine of ideas

Just tell Brendan to shut up.

Headphones. Headphones are an excellent tool for isolation in a workplace because they don't raise objections or cause friction like saying you're uninterested but they tend to be very effective at deflection.

Just get a nice big obvious pair of headphones and put them on when he might come by and, if he waves or something just immediately respond with "Sorry, I'm in the middle of this can you message me?"

He’s an energy vampire. Tread carefully.

I once had a co-worker like this named Andrew. One morning, while he scrambled to fill any moments of silence, I told him “Andrew, silence is ok sometimes” and went back to my work. He was significantly less annoying to work with afterwards.

I probably came off as a bit of a dick, though it wasn’t my intention.

You are this way because you are maintaining professionalism. Your coworker is being unprofessional by over sharing. Set your boundaries fast and firm.

These sound like bread and butter small talk type work interactions.

Just gonna be blunt... meditating at work and adopting a yoga like position is going to attract attention and will invite co-workers to enquire after your well being.

If this guy is your biggest problem at work then you have a pretty great job.

I don't think there's any need to be rude. Just tell him you appreciate that he wants to make sure you're alright, but that you're just not a very talkative person and you quite enjoy silence. You can say it's nothing personal, but that's just who you are and you'll let him know if one day for whatever reason you are not fine. If you're feeling generous you can ask him to do the same, but that is a potential commitment.

Unspoken expectations are pre-meditated resentments.

Take up skiing and make that your entire personality

Tell him you have trouble focusing on your work if you stop to talk too often. Tell him you’re trying to finish x, y, z, etc, and after doing that enough hopefully he gets the message.

Why do people seem to have such a hard time with being direct? Just tell him to leave you alone, if you hurt his feelings it's not your problem.

Just tell him you don't talk a lot because you need to concentrate at work and you always keep it professional because you wanna separate work and private life.

Small chance it might be awkward for a bit but he will respect it. Unless he is an asshole then you don't owe friendliness.

Show him your Warhammer figurines

Why am I like this?

Because different people are different. I am the same. I could not give 2 shits about my coworkers personal lives.

Us dudes are thick as bricks, put him on the backdoor by using some of these.

I'm in the middle of something, I wish you would stop interrupting me.

Dude, stop interrupting me.

No seriously, if you keep interrupting me I will have to talk to management about it.

They sound a lot like an ex colleague of mine who had aspergers. They latched on to me because they got promoted to a different team in the same office as me when i got promoted and they would not stop talking to me, and about the most inane and mundane shit. Stuff i didnt gove a fuck about

I would be polite i would answer and engage in the conversation but if it had been too long and i felt managers eyes in the back of my head i would just fizzle out and start to turn back to my screen and say something like "ok, well, i need to get on" and they would go away.

I believe they were this way because of aspergers. They could never tell when i was uninterested or when i was busy with something. They didn't pick up on social cues. They just kept talking.

I wonder if it's a similar reason with your colleague?

I’m torn because I want to tell him to leave me alone, that I don’t care about his life, but considering the ‘offense’ this seems too much and knowing me I’d immediately regret it and feel bad about it.

Imagine someone has a huge booger hanging out of their nose. It might be embarassing that you point it out to them, but it's a lot more embarassing if they walk around with the booger hanging there. It's the same with this. If you're polite but direct, there's nothing to feel bad about, you're helping the guy learn where the line is.

It's the simple things in life... always the simple things. Have you ever said the simple things to him?

"Be quiet now."

"Leave me alone."

(and after his response, whatever it is, you be quiet yourself)