this post was submitted on 28 Mar 2025
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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Anon needs money (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 4 days ago by Early_To_Risa@sh.itjust.works to c/greentext@sh.itjust.works
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[–] Contemporarium@lemm.ee 29 points 3 days ago

I was an absolute dope FIEND for more than a decade and I never got to the point where I broke and entered. Just hate thieves and so I’d find a way without having to be one (except major corporate stores lol)

So if anons breaking into his own aunts house it’s getting way outta hand. And it’s been going for a while because parents don’t usually start the “send me where I can buy them and I’ll get them for you but can’t give you cash” til it’s obvious you’ve let drugs take over your life

Just my 0.02c

[–] BenLeMan@lemmy.world 40 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Time to finally get off the "stuff" and go into rehab. And get some flowers to apologize to your aunt.

[–] sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 16 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

And some for mom for not enabling.

[–] LostXOR@fedia.io 327 points 4 days ago (4 children)

You can tell it's a fake story because the cops are actually looking for clues and going through camera footage instead of just saying "tough luck".

[–] ReanuKeeves@lemm.ee 126 points 4 days ago (2 children)

You can also tell it's a fake story because it's on 4chan

[–] Qwazpoi@lemmy.world 41 points 4 days ago

You can tell it's gay because it's not his aunt's house it's his aunts house meaning his aunt and her wife which also makes that his other aunt.

[–] Ragdoll_X@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 days ago

☝🤓 actually every story posted to 4chan is real, 4chan told me so

[–] Snowclone@lemmy.world 17 points 3 days ago (1 children)

100% cops DO NOT like opening misdemeanor cases ever. It hurts their felony conviction rate that gets them all their raises and promotions.

[–] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Burglary isnt a felony?

[–] sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 2 points 3 days ago

That it is. And I imagine a number of these are a neighbor, like in this case.

[–] empireOfLove2@lemmy.dbzer0.com 41 points 4 days ago

Depends, if OP's aunt lived in an affluent enough area, they'll be looking.

[–] Worx@lemmynsfw.com 24 points 4 days ago (3 children)

Idk, when someone attempted to break into my car they said they'd look into it (never heard back from them though, but they at least pretended to care for the length of one phone call)

[–] Snowclone@lemmy.world 10 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

They told you they'd look into it over the phone? At that rate you might as well spackle your ass cheeks together, because shit ain't happening.

[–] sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 days ago

They're unlikely to look into it, but if they get enough reports in an area, they will, so it's always a good idea to report it even if nothing comes of it.

[–] paequ2@lemmy.today 26 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I've had two car break-ins.

The first time, I couldn't even reach a human. The machine on the phone line told me to file a police report online. It was like, name, date, what happened, upload picture, send. Never heard anything back.

The second time, I went to the police station and—was told to file a police report online... same as last time. Nothing happened.

[–] sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 4 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

Is that legal? I'm pretty sure they have to take a police report in person. Laws vary by area, but not providing a way to file a police report in person is exclusionary, so I'd imagine they could get into a lot if trouble of they refuse.

[–] Snowclone@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I've had cops tell me they won't do anything and wouldn't take a report. I don't know if that's legal or not, but it is something police have done in the US before.

[–] sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 1 points 1 day ago

It's not legal, they are required to take a report, but not required to prioritize investigating it. If they ever do that again, ask for their name and badge number (ideally on a business card so you can keep it), and file a complaint with the police department along with your criminal report.

[–] Boomkop3@reddthat.com 31 points 3 days ago

If they weren't often dishonest with their mom, she'd not have distrusted them about the books. Now your solution is theft?

Their parents royally fucked up

[–] OmegaLemmy@discuss.online 17 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I thought this idiot was gonna be smart for once and resell the books, haha, dumbass

[–] sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 5 points 3 days ago

It's anon, manage your expectations.

[–] nutsack@lemmy.dbzer0.com 43 points 4 days ago

go to jail Anon you piece of shit

[–] SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de 90 points 4 days ago (2 children)

buy "some stuff"

sure, bud

[–] Depress_Mode@lemmy.world 48 points 4 days ago (3 children)

Gotta be drugs, right? I can't think of many other things that might lead someone to steal from their own relatives. Not good at all, but at least he could blame addiction. With 4chan in mind, though, I shudder to think that they might have robbed their aunt just to get enough money to buy some stupid hobby/collector's item. What's his plan now, though? Still no cash in hand. He could try selling them anonymously on craigslist, but it's risky keeping the stolen goods on you and he probably doesn't know any fences. Fortunately for OOP, cops don't give a shit about houses getting robbed and aren't going to follow-up on it by tracking down and seeing in person all the possible listings. Their aunt will never hear back from those cops. OOP just better hope his aunt doesn't see any of that footage herself and recognize him.

[–] driving_crooner@lemmy.eco.br 14 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Funko Pops

[–] SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de 11 points 4 days ago

anime figurines to cum on

[–] nihilomaster@lemmy.world 9 points 4 days ago (1 children)

If this was a real story, they'd find on CCTV that the door was opened with a key. Only other key would be with her sister - OPs mom - only other person with access to the key would be her son - OP. Who just a few days earlier tried to lie to his mom about going to college to grift some money. They search his room and find the goods. Rest depends on whether or not the aunt decides to press charges.

[–] Depress_Mode@lemmy.world 3 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

My thoughts exactly; I realized that after posting my comment, too. All it would take is for mom to put two-and-two together with the circumstances to get suspicious. It's possible there are other relatives with keys, though. It's also possible there isn't any footage available of the actual entering of the property. Still pretty screwed unless everyone else is as dumb as he is. Cops will probably have asked the aunt if anyone else has a key or otherwise had free access, since there'd be no sign of forced entry, which would greatly narrow down suspects no matter how many relatives had keys. If her nephew happens to appear on camera nearby right around when the robbery could have occurred, and he's not routinely seen walking around the neighborhood, that's not a good look. It's still circumstantial, though. With 4chan in mind again, he probably does still live with his mom and has the stolen stuff in his closet or under his bed or something. Even if he doesn't still live with her, I bet his mom could still make an excuse to visit his place to look around. Then he's really cooked once she finds the stuff. It's probably only a matter of time before it all blows up in his face. Something tells me OOP isn't exactly a criminal mastermind.

[–] JokeDeity@lemm.ee 9 points 4 days ago

Vbucks

[–] phoenixz@lemmy.ca 11 points 3 days ago

Go to jail, that's what you need to do bect you deserve to be there

[–] magnetosphere@fedia.io 45 points 4 days ago

lol get wrecked dirtbag

[–] Linktank@lemmy.today 31 points 4 days ago

What a loser.

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 28 points 4 days ago (1 children)

SMH... Walked around the block to case the joint and didn't even notice the CCTV cameras. 😔

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 3 days ago

Those are called "doorbells" now.

[–] Flax_vert@feddit.uk 12 points 4 days ago (1 children)

What did he expect to happen

[–] sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 5 points 3 days ago

Aunty notices her things are gone, takes a minute to think, and shows up at OP's house and takes him personally to the dealer to get all the stiff they need. Aunty also gives OP her debit card and PIN in case he needs more and she's not available.