this post was submitted on 26 Dec 2023
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Almost all my life I've absolutely despised children. Pretty much from the moment I stopped being a child I've hated being around children.

It doesn't even matter what the child is doing. Whether they're laughing and having fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum. The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.

I've had to leave social gatherings/restaurants/grocery stores all because if I'd stayed I'd have made a complete ass of myself by screaming at a child just for existing.

It's even worse with infants which makes me feel horrible because I know they can't help it. I know the kids don't know any better and it's our job as adults to get them through childhood, but my blood boils when they get loud or demand attention.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Is there anything I can do to stop from getting so angry?

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[–] TootSweet@lemmy.world 228 points 10 months ago

Therapy. It's clear this is causing you problems in your life. And that's exactly what therapy is for.

[–] givesomefucks@lemmy.world 88 points 10 months ago (3 children)

The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.

Yeah, that's actually a thing for some people to various degrees.

It's called misophonia

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24460-misophonia

I had it for high pitched sounds as well, went on Beta Blockers for migraines and it fixed this as well.

The noises are triggering your adrenal response and your body is screaming at you that the noise has to stop and it doesn't matter what it takes. Beta blockers block adrenaline, so now noises that used to set me on edge are just normal noises to me.

I think one of the current hypothesis is that it might be close to a sound that would attract predators, but sometimes wires get crossed and you have the reaction to a random noise.

Most commonly it's people hating the sound of others chewing.

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[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 74 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (3 children)

Whether they're laughing and having fun or screaming and throwing a tantrum. The sound of a child being loud activates an almost primal rage that I can barely contain.

This is actually a neurological thing. It has a name and everything (though I can't recall what the name is). A lot of people on the spectrum have it. You may want to talk to a therapist about it, if this isn't merely hyperbole.

[–] OhStopYellingAtMe@lemmy.world 31 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (3 children)

Misophonia is the thing you’re describing.

[–] AmidFuror@kbin.social 34 points 10 months ago (3 children)

That's the fear of soy paste.

[–] Chthonic@slrpnk.net 43 points 10 months ago (3 children)

That's misophobia, misophonia is when you don't like how soy paste sounds.

[–] Deuces@lemmy.world 16 points 10 months ago (2 children)

That's the disease that may qualify you for financial compensation

[–] AmidFuror@kbin.social 9 points 10 months ago (2 children)

You're thinking of mesophobioma.

[–] Witchfire@lemmy.world 7 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

No that's a fear of central vietnamese soups

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[–] scratchee@feddit.uk 9 points 10 months ago

As dumb as this comment is, you’ve just guaranteed that I’ll never forget the name of this problem, so thanks for that

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[–] CADmonkey@lemmy.world 13 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Oh just what I need more evidence.

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 18 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Never hurts to check.

Unless you're American and don't have health insurance. Then it might hurt.

[–] GentlemanLoser@ttrpg.network 6 points 10 months ago (3 children)

I have it. The sounds of people eating, especially slurping or crunching, are literally repulsive. I have to have something else to train my focus on or else I'll get up and bolt.

Other repetitive sounds trigger it too: people popping gum, chewing ice, clipping fingernails, etc. But not too bad with keyboards and typing.

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[–] BleatingZombie@lemmy.world 61 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

I have no advice, but I have to say I really admire and appreciate you for acknowledging that it's unfair for the children and trying to change that. Most people aren't strong enough to introspect

I would even argue that you've already done the hard part

[–] morphballganon@lemmy.world 54 points 10 months ago (2 children)

I've noticed a correlation between the trait you describe and high-functioning autism. I've dated two women with the trait you describe, and one of them was diagnosed HFA, and the other showed signs of HFA but was undiagnosed last I heard.

We have a tendency to expect others to show the same level of maturity as we've learned to exhibit ourselves. Being accepting of those who haven't learned that level of maturity is a skill that must be learned. Learning teaching skills/methods helps with this.

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[–] Ech@lemmy.world 35 points 10 months ago

Could be worth looking into Misophonia. Basically it's an irrational anger response to specific noises that vary person to person. I don't know enough about it to say how it can be dealt with, but it may be something you could find a specialist for.

[–] wooki@lemmynsfw.com 34 points 10 months ago

See a shrink you have at minimum anger management problems being triggered here. Anxiety and perhaps some form of neurological disorder if you’re sensitive to loud noises in general but it’s worth finding out to manage it.

[–] z00s@lemmy.world 31 points 10 months ago (2 children)
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[–] Artisian@lemmy.world 28 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (9 children)

It's very weird to me that you're only listing loud things children do... Like, have you ever been around a sleeping child? Do they bother you? What about in a classroom, watching a movie, or running in the distance (out of earshot)?

Average volume of a child is higher than adults, but only by a factor of 2 or so. And their noises are interpretable, you can definitely figure out what they mean, unlike the adult noises.

[–] Witchfire@lemmy.world 22 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Average volume of a child is higher than adults, but only by a factor of 2 or so.

Most adults are also unbearable so that's not convincing anyone

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[–] wide_eyed_stupid@lemmy.world 27 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

I recognize everything you're saying, and I know it's presumptuous, but I doubt it's actually hatred. It's a very visceral reaction that turns into frustration because it's often situations you can't change or extricate yourself from. And if there's no outlet, anger/rage is one of the easiest emotions. Maybe you should look up Misophonia and see if you recognize it. It won't fix your issue, but it might help to put a name to it, to know you're not crazy and you're definitely not alone. For me it's not just kids, I also need to get away when I hear people eat. Loud eaters just kill my apetite instantly and the response to it is physical. I just can't be around it.

Whenever kids make noise, I get this uncontrollable, physical reaction. It's kind of like nails on blackboard stuff, you know, but a thousand times worse? All it makes me do is wanting to get the fuck out of there. I can actually FEEL it. It's visceral. And I know they're not doing it on purpose, and I would never ever let the kid know, because it's not their fault. But I just can't deal with it. It's so bad that I've gotten off buses/trams when some baby starts crying, just to wait at the stop for the next one. I've actually exited stores, when kids are being loud, which as you know, in some stores is pretty useless because there are almost always kids around. Internet really saved me there, I haven't been shopping in years, just order pretty much everything online. The worst time for me was a flight where I got stuck with a screaming 4-year old for hours, which actually brought me to tears from frustration, because I couldn't leave and I couldn't blame the kid, especially because his mom was a total moron and only made it worse by yelling. Luckily the flight was only a few hours across Europe and not transatlantic, because I might have offed myself.

Sadly I don't have a fix for you, but if you find one, please let me know. ;) I've been luckier than some, in that I only have one sibling, who also doesn't want kids, and while I do have 2 cousins with kids, we never see each other, which is mostly because I moved abroad over a decade ago. Avoiding places where kids congregrate is easier if there are no kids in your social circle, although of course you can never avoid them 100% of the time.

[–] FraidyBear@lemmy.world 9 points 10 months ago (1 children)

I'm neridivergent and have issues with misophonia. Your description of listening to people eat was spot on. Hearing people chew food or smack gum makes me want to smack the gum the fuck up out of their mouth. I like these people but the reaction that misophonia causes in me feels barely containable. I've had to walk away from people to collect myself or have someone else help customers because of the physical and psychological reaction it causes. It feels violent and torturous. I also have this same reaction to kids and babies being loud or crying. Yes, your crotch goblin is cute. Yes, I recognize that they are kids and these things aren't controllable. But that doesn't stop me from having serious sound stimulation overloads that bring me to the brink of sanity, that's not controllable either no matter how much I wish it was. .

OP, best way to deal with it if it is a misophonia issue is to carry around ear plugs or do what I do and get some nice noise cancelling earbuds. If you're in a situation that you cant use these things, like a family gathering of people who won't understand what you're going through, take frequent breaks. Go outside, go take a breather on the bathroom, talk with someone you trust and see if they will step aside with you for a bit because I'm 100% sure there are others there that don't want to hear the kids being loud.

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[–] Yerbouti@lemmy.ml 27 points 10 months ago

Are you a cat?

[–] Surp@lemmy.world 27 points 10 months ago

Seek mental help from a therapist for a start. Instead of talking to people online that you have no idea what their intentions are or which way they wanna steer you best bet is get therapy...you need it.

[–] test113@lemmy.world 26 points 10 months ago

I know of one person in my wider circle who reacts also pretty bad when children are being children around him. In his childhood, every time he was loud, wanted attention, or just did what a child does, his parents (they did not even want children; he was an "accident") got really angry at him. So children being children is a trigger for him.

Talking to a trained professional helped him immensely to handle this.

[–] Terces@lemmy.world 24 points 10 months ago (1 children)

You might have misophonia.

Also...I try to imagine kids as little robot machines. They do their thing and they make their sounds like little choo choo trains. This image also underlines that they often just react to things. Input; output. So the focus shifts from the kid to the situation and the surroundings (as does the blame).

[–] givesomefucks@lemmy.world 8 points 10 months ago

Yeah, it's likely misophonia.

Anytime someone knows that a noise makes them irrationally angry, it's probably musophonia.

Adrenaline blockers are given out for all types of stuff tho, and they fix the irrational anger that misophonia causes.

Not sure if you can get them prescribed for it tho.

[–] Fallenwout@lemmy.world 21 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (2 children)

I have exactly the same. Therapy doesn't work. There is no cure other than faking it. You have to let your rational mind win from that primal repulsive feeling. I also feel immense guilt for feeling this way about innocent little humans.

I still avoid children when I can. This has created a gap between my friends and me, they all have kids. I never go to their place, we always meet in public. I never told them but I think they know, because they don't treat me differently when I tactically withdraw when children get involved.

Interestingly this is measurable. I have a garmin watch and whenever children are close for 15 mins, I get a relaxation reminder telling me to do breathing exercises. So this mental defect manifests itself physically.

[–] Cinner@lemmy.world 11 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago)

Interestingly this is measurable. I have a garmin watch and whenever children are close for 15 mins, I get a relaxation reminder telling me to do breathing exercises. So this mental defect manifests itself physically.

A stress response is a stress response. When you're feeling that fight/flight response, it's not just in your brain. Maybe you have a bit of a mind/body/heart disconnect - I realized I did many years ago in therapy when I was upset about something and he asked where I felt it and I asked what he meant. I've worked on it since, paying attention to whether I feel a tightness in my throat, stomach, chest, butterflies, etc. It's helped me notice patterns I didn't before.

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[–] OrderedChaos@lemmy.world 19 points 10 months ago

I don't know how much patience you have for long term efforts. I have done this for other issues. Meditate on it. Spend initially 5 minutes a day and then lengthen and increase frequency to something like 10-20 minutes 2-3x a day. Figure out what works for you.

Recreate the situations and scenarios where you get triggered. And be in the situation. Stew in it. Notice more and more how you react. What is happening before your reaction? What is happening in the space between each reaction. You most likely will not find out the solution while in meditation. But the meditation will ingrain the ability to slow your processes down. So when you're back in the situation you will start noticing the issues that are making you lose it.

Once armed with that knowledge you'll either find new coping mechanisms or you'll have better information for a mental health professional to help you see those new coping mechanisms.

Rinse and repeat.

[–] macrocarpa@lemmy.world 17 points 10 months ago

Are you diagnosed neurodiverse? This is a common trait.

[–] mateomaui@reddthat.com 17 points 10 months ago

I just want to commend you on asking for help, and based on your post and replies, it sounds like you can at least offload the belief that you hate children, because it doesn’t seem that way, only that you’re very triggered by the noise, which I can totally relate to. It happens for me with kids and barking dogs, and I have to manage the sound with music and earbuds. Sound sensitivity and being stressed by it is very real for a number of conditions or conditioned mentalities, so I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about it when it’s clear you’re empathetic and don’t want to feel that way, but seeking therapy with someone familiar with such reactions is probably a good idea. Though ultimately personal noise management may still be a big part of the solution.

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 16 points 10 months ago (5 children)

I hated children until I had friends who are great parents and have great kids. I found out that I hate shitty parents, not kids. You can't turn this comment into actionable life advice, I'm afraid.

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[–] Shakezuula@lemmynsfw.com 10 points 10 months ago

What you are feeling is similar to how I used to feel. What changed was my understanding of children. A child behaves the way it does because it is literally experiencing things for the first time. That's why they over react. They aren't bad all the time. They can be more fun to be around then adults. They don't care what you look like. They're easy to impress and pal around with. And when they do act out it's not nearly as serious as adults.

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 9 points 10 months ago

My brother's wife bought me a set of earplugs that deaden sound but still let you hear. These have greatly increased the amount of time I can be around children before it starts stressing me out. To the point that I don't mind going over there at all anymore and they have 3 kids in a small house. The brand is Loop but their may be other brands that are the same thing. Its like an earbud with a metal ring attached to it. They also help with other noise induced stress that I have.

[–] NevermindNoMind@lemmy.world 8 points 10 months ago

I'm curious, how do you feel about being around drunk people while you are sober? Is the problem the children themselves, or is being around someone who is loud, obnoxious, and self centered (which I think describes both children and drunk people).

I'm general, my main advice would be to look into yourself to see what specifically is bothering you and why. That's basically what I assume a therapist would do. Maybe it's something like your own need for attention causes feelings of resentment when someone else is demanding attention. Maybe it's just the loud noises kids make. If it's the kids themselves and not their noise and self-centered attitude, maybe the root is something related to kids resurfacing your own childhood memories/trauma. Once you identify the root of the problem, maybe you can start working toward letting whatever it is go, or at least recognizing in the moment that your not angry at the kid, your angry at whatever issue in yourself you've identified. Understanding what is going on in your own head might at least keep you from screaming at the kid.

I don't know anything though, just a stranger spouting off, so please take this with a giant grain of salt. A professional therapist would obviously be better, but I understand from your other responses that might not be practical for you.

[–] MystikIncarnate@lemmy.ca 7 points 10 months ago (2 children)

No judgement, just curious: I know it's more rare, but do you get the same visceral reaction to grown people throwing immature temper tantrums as well? Or is it limited to just the very young?

I just want to understand if this is more of a distaste for immaturity or if it's only the immaturity of the immature that's giving you that feeling.

I'm no fan of kids, but I don't get this kind of rage myself. I can dismiss myself from the situation long before I struggle with these kinds of feelings.

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[–] Witchfire@lemmy.world 7 points 10 months ago* (last edited 10 months ago) (1 children)

I am exactly the same as you. I've stopped caring, neither me nor my friends have kids thankfully. But yeah the sound of kids crying or screaming or throwing a tantrum instantly hits a nerve in my head

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[–] zanyllama52@infosec.pub 7 points 10 months ago (2 children)

Have you ever spent any one-on-one time having fun with a kid?

[–] arin@lemmy.world 24 points 10 months ago (1 children)

Sounds like a dangerous time for the kid

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[–] _g_be@lemmy.world 11 points 10 months ago

Yeah and now I have to go door to door to let my neighbors know about how great a time it was

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